Tick Tock

2005 is just about over. Man, what a year! Here's a recap:

Jan 2005: Bizarro and I are planning our wedding and try to come up with a plan that will satisfy everyone. In the end, we decide on a "fancy elopement." I am hip-deep in collecting data for my pro-seminar paper.

Feb 2005: Mid winter blues tempered by the knowledge that we're getting married next month. Drafts of the pro-sem paper are emerging.

March 2005: Pro-sem? What pro-sem? I'm getting MARRIED! We tie the knot on March 23rd at the Galbreath Memorial Chapel on O.U.'s campus, on a rainy day. Our witnesses and wedding crashers really make the day special. We spend our honeymoon in the "Love Bug Cabins" at Ash Cave. (I miss that jacuzzi!) Oh, and I also turn 37 on the 3rd.

April 2005: Seriously getting to work on my pro-sem. Apparently I am parked over the 2 hour limit somewhere and get a ticket, but I won't know about it until 7 months later. Sending out resumes and applying for jobs like crazy. Realizing with my friends that we will be going our separate ways in a few short months makes us all cry.

May 2005: Getting the final draft of pro-sem ready. Wuhan wants me to teach this summer, again, but I know it's not likely. Getting scared that no interviews have happened yet.

June 2005: My very pregnant friend Kelly stays with us so that she can go to the undergrad commencement. The last of my patio parties with my girls. Graduation! June 10 is hot and sticky, and I totally flub communicating with my husband where to meet me after the commencement exercises. Later in the month, I have a phone interview with a prestigious school in Central NY, and I can't believe they are interested in me. Our good friends Mr. Club and Catwoman move to Missouri. Sadness.

July 2005: Bizarro turns 32! The prestigious school invites me to campus for an in-person interview. They love my background in video production as well as my ESL training and experience. Little did I know! They offer me the job and we have two weeks to pack up, say our good-byes, and move to NY. I drive the truck all the way from Athens, OH to Ithaca, NY.

August 2005: Totally exhausted and disoriented, I attend the 3-day mandatory training for my job. Then I have 3 weeks off to get settled before the job begins. The bosses try to coax me into teaching in the summer program, but I say no way, I need a break! My first day of work is Aug. 22. It's all down hill from there!

September 2005: It's so wonderful to live near Momazoo and see her on a regular basis. I take her to the doctor and help her to get some things taken care of with her bad back. The job is a huge pain and I wonder on a regular basis what's wrong with me that I can't seem to get it.

October 2005: Stress is the name of the game these days. A major project is taken away from me at work and I'm given another. Fantastic halloween party, though! We go as "The Pimp and the Pirate." It's great to be in the same state as my friends of old.

November 2005: Lots of stormy weather at the job. NYSTESOL convention is a turning point for me; I realize how destructive this job has been to my self esteem. I really don't know if this is a job I can take for 2 years. Being in NYC for that convention also gives me the chance to see Scotto and his wife, and to see Ground Zero, China Town, and the Statue of Liberty from afar. We receive the shocking news that Mr. Club and Cat Woman have split; we can only offer our love and support. Thanksgiving at our apartment rocks! Momazoo is here and we eat like pigs.

December 2005: I end up in counseling for all the stress, anxiety, anger and disappointment the semester has wrought. Things go from bad to worse with a threat of probation. On the upside, I remember my "roots" and re-dedicate myself to pursuing my career as a writer and teacher of writing. Toward this end, I begin creating my perfect office space. I form some plans and goals for 2006 and try to rest easy over the holidays. Christmas at Momazoo's is wonderful, and the week of vacation is a much needed respite. I receive a "delinquent violation" notice from the Athens Police Department for a ticket I allegedly got in April (which I never did see, nor receive any other notices). Even after all this time and distance, the incompetence of Appalachia reaches out to haunt me, like the ghost of Sadako.

What will 2006 bring? Who the hell knows. But I do know that I can't lose sight of what I want and who I want to be. If all goes well, Bizarro will get a good job sooner than later, and I'll be able to get pregnant sometime this year. I have one more semester to weather, and I don't know exactly how that will happen, but I can only do my best, probation or not. At least I have some people in my corner and I'm not alone, which is the most important thing for me to remember. That, and I am not half as incompetent as that job makes me feel!

I am thankful for my wonderful husband, my family and friends, my intellect and compassion, and the roof over our heads. I am grateful for Dharma in my life, and all the opportunties I have to practice (even if it feels like crap sometimes!).

May the new year be full of wonderful new beginnings, prosperity, and fulfillment! May all beings benefit!

It's the day after Christmas
...and all through the house
not a creature is stirring
not even Bizarro.

That's not surprising, since the poor man has had so little sleep the last few nights. I was affecting him with my severe stress from last week (I toiled away at the curriculum design project and emailed the whole thing off around 4:45 on Friday), and then we stayed a night at mom's, after being up until 3:00 a.m. (midnight mass, opening gifts, eating sausage as is our tradition). Then we had to get up around 10 yesterday to go to Aunt Stella's for breakfast/brunch. Man I hope I have half the energy of that woman when I get to be 83! Anyway, after that we went back to mom's and made a delicious Christmas dinner of chicken and stuffing with cranberry sauce and salad. Of course we had pie and coffee for dessert after Bizarro took a little cat nap. Since I drove down to Elmira on Sat., Bizarro drove back last night. When we got home we opened up our gifts here and had our merry little Christmas night (followed by Law and Order and Crossing Jordan).

So it's 9:00 and I'm up, but he's not and I don't expect he will be until at least 10. We were supposed to go out early for the after Christmas sales (to get stuff for his family) but I don't think the "early" part of that is happening. That's okay. I'm digging the "alone time" this rainy morning is affording me. This week is officially vacation (not working from home) and this weekend we're driving to Cleveland to see the Bizarro folks. I need all the alone, off the meter time I can get!

Okay, so here's an up date on work: as I said, I turned in my project and although I expected to get an email back that said "sorry, you're on probation, merry freaking xmas" my boss instead thanked me for working so hard and said "you're on vacation now, so please enjoy your holiday with your family and friends" and said not to give it any more thought. So who knows. That may have been her way of saying "I don't feel like dealing with this now, so thanks for the effort but your ass is grass come January 3rd." I suspect the curriculum I designed isn't what she wants, and that she may yet put me on probation. If that's true, oh freaking well. That's the point I've come to: I realize this isn't the place for me and in my own mind, I've already moved on.

I am excited about the prospect of nurturing my "real" professional identity as a writer and a teacher. I need to teach writing, I need to write. That's all there is to it. I'll make a living patching freelance and part time work together and I'll enjoy the freedom that lifestyle offers. However, I'll have to work my butt off to make a living and keep the money coming in for bills and student loans. But that's okay; I've never been afraid of hard work.

I got a few books out of the library on writing as a career and writing your life, AND Bizarro got me the one screenwriting book I've been pining for and never got, so this break is going to be a bit of a "refresher training". I need to come up with some introduction/query letters and get some biz cards made up, too. The best part is that I'll have the rest of the semester to get things off the ground, and hopefully by June I'll have something lined up. In the meantime, however, I'm going to keep my nose to the grindstone and get as much out of this job as I can, as well as doing my best work as always. I need to keep my dignity and I still have a responsibility to the students, if nothing else.

Well I guess I will go make some coffee and try to get some reading done before Bizarro gets up and turns on the TV, the radio, his computer, and whistles at the same time. ;-)

Here's to making the most of the last few days of 2005.

Happy XMas (The War Is Over)

So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The young and the old

A very merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and for poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

Hare Rama, if you want it
Hare Rama now

c. 1971
Yoko Ono and John Lennon

-- Peace on earth--

Feelin' Teeny Tiny

Have been incommunicado since Friday. Things have gone from bad to worse at my job and seem to be headed straight downhill like a speeding train with no brakes. I face probation in a week if I don't pull off the miracle of designing this project to their satisfaction, despite the face that they refuse to give me insightful, meaningful, constructive feedback. As I said before: pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

I have decided to return to my "roots" as I begin exploring other possibilities. I've been a writer-in-hiding my entire life. Ever since high school, when I was the editor of our school paper, I've wanted this career as a writer. Trouble is, I let everything else get in the way: money, boyfriends, fear of success, fear of failure, and the list goes on and on. About 11-12 years ago, I had been accepted into the MFA in Creative Writing program at Emerson College in Boston. I turned it down. Why? To stay in Rochester and follow through with a relationship that was getting serious. Instead I went to film school for my MFA - which wasn't a bad thing becuase it opened my eyes to screenwriting and also I got a couple life-long friends out of the experience. So no regrets there. It's just that I haven't allowed myself to do what has always been the background of my life. I need to get focused and find a way to make it happen. And I'm looking at my current miserable situation at work to be the final kick in the ass to do it. My belly dancing teacher calls this phenomenon "Our Lady of the Two-by-Four." Indeed!

I need to apologize to Mr Club for not calling and saying "congrats". I will give you a call soon, though, I promise.

Just a lil sumthin sumthin

I'm at work, so this will have to do for now:

what flavor pocky are you?

[c] sugardew

More later...

Keeping my head up

Day Two of the Epiphany. Not only is okay for me to leave a situation that is bad for me (i.e. which is not encouraging or allowing me to be the best of who I am), it also important for me to realize that I have certain talents and traits that may not fit in well some places, but which will allow me to flourish in other places. That said, I should not allow myself to be brought down by circumstances that are presently uncomfortable, but rather use the experience to help me decide who/what I want to be and to target where might be good places for me to get to that point. As my hubby is always saying "Use your anger!" (or was that the Emperor?). IOW, get motivated by my uncomfortable situation to create a situation which is right for me.

I have been riddled with self-doubt and loads of anxiety these last few months, and I must now purge those negative perspectives so that I can focus on what is good for me, rather than lamenting what has turned out to be not so good.

It's time for me to branch out and find myself in this town, to feel comfortable with my work as well as my personal life. I am bound and determined to do that. Am I too idealistic? Perhaps. But for now I need to maintain the positive outlook that it is possible for me to work hard, to feel fulfilled, to grow and flourish, and to feel in some small way appreciated.

I know it's my Ego that wants to be recognized and appreciated. I don't expect anyone to lick my boots, but I also can't work in an environment where only amorphous critical feedback is presented with not a mention of anything positive that I've accomplished. I'm sick to death of playing "pin the tail on the donkey."

I toiled away on a project from work this morning and this afternoon, then I cleaned the house. I have a couple friends coming for dinner tonight. I look forward to sharing food and companionship. Hopefully Bizarro will join us for dinner and a game of Scrabble, at least.

Time to make the donuts

Not a good day. Not even by a long shot. I am faced with the reality of having to re-assess my personal inventory and do some serious re-prioritizing. Thankfully, Bizarro is with me on this, so it will be a joint-process, in part.

I am tired of feeling like shit about myself. This has to end.

Here's my Personality Analysis for the week. Actually, it explains a lot of what I've been going through the last few months.

You scored as Serenity (from Firefly). You like to live your own way and do not enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you that you should do different. Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you. Coming on December 1, 2005: Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? The Sequel Serenity (from Firefly) 81% SG-1 (from Stargate) 75% Moya (from Farscape) 75% Galactica (from Battlestar: Galactica) 63% Millennium Falcon (from Star Wars) 63% Nebuchadnezzar (from The Matrix) 50% Bebop (from Cowboy Bebop) 50% Enterprise D (from Star Trek) 44% Which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? v1.0 created with QuizFarm.com

In the swing of things...

Yesterday was a looong day. But a good day. I drove to Elmira and took mom Christmas shopping. Mostly we bought stuff for Bizarro. At least now we have 2 prezzies under the tree. It was not like normal Christmas shopping because with mom's hips, legs and back, she can't walk fast and she has to rest often. I honestly wonder how she's been able to manage Christmas shopping on her own the last couple of years. Although I think I was with her last year, come to think of it. Anyway, she says it gets harder each year. I think next year she shouldn't be doing any shopping for us at all. Gift certificates would be enough, or hell even cash MONee.

Before we went shopping, we went to the cemetary to put a wreath on my dad's grave. I hadn't been there in a while. It was interesting - something was different this time. I didn't feel the bleakness that I often associate with a grave that only holds the earthly remains. It was more like we were honoring his memory and feeling grateful to have each other, rather than grieving or feeling cold inside (which are the two extremes I'd felt in the past). The holiday season was always a particularly difficult time of year for me, and for mom. This year, with me being back here and being married, there is more joy than sadness. It's a good feeling.

After shopping, we got take-out at our favorite Chinese restaurant, and then I wrapped the prezzies to bring home (so Bizarro couldn't find them accidentally in a bag). Turns out that mom "pulled an Angelo". My dad (Angelo) always used to buy stuff for himself around the holiday season and inevitably would buy something mom had in mind to get him or had already bought and wrapped. Mom went out and bought a scarf - just as I would have if she'd given me the chance. We laughed about that, and she said "just buy me some mystery books."

On the way home last night, I stopped at Borders and bought her a couple books, as well as another tube of my coveted and much-sought-after Burt's Bees lip balm. Mmmm mmmmm I love that stuff.

So it's Sunday and I have two things on the docket for today: 1. work on my script and 2. work on my curriculum design project. Here's to a productive day.

I Made It Through The Rain...Kept Myself Together!

It's probably a bad thing that I am quoting a Barry Manilow song, but it just happens to be very accurate at this time. Yesterday was the last day of classes for the semester, and I SURVIVED! More on that later, but first:

You scored as Postmodernist. Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis. Postmodernist 94% Cultural Creative 81% Existentialist 63% Idealist 56% Materialist 50% Fundamentalist 38% Modernist 19% Romanticist 19% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

I usually take Bizarro's quizzes, and this one I thought was especially interesting. I answered all the questions as a Buddhist (although, from a researcher's standpoint, many of the items were bad questions which asked more than one question or had fuzzy meaning). Anyway, apparently Buddhism and Postmodernism are compatible. But man, that picture is really creepy.

Today my goals are: 1. Get some writing done in the morning. 2. Go pick up mom and do some "Choppin' Broccoli" i.e. holiday shopping. Last night we put up our Christmas tree. I have to figure a way to get the photos onto my computer, which is a Power Mac. Bizarro swears it can only be done with a PC. Hm. I don't buy that. Anyway, if I can get some photos up of Halloween, T'giving and our Christmas/holiday/winter tree, I will get them on here.

Time to drink cawfee. Go to this page to have some coffee-drinking, unemployed fun: www.oddtodd.com

HMO Blues

Good morning! Weird weather here, thankfully not the horrid blizzards of the mid-West. Just strangely warm and extremely windy. Our apt. was brutally hot last night because we'd had all the radiant heaters set on high due to those bitter cold (in the teens) days and nights we had last week.

Well it would appear that I've been walking around with a sinus infection for the last couple of weeks. Yesterday I called my new PCP, with whom I have an appointment next Monday (rescheduled from 3 weeks ago when her office cancelled!). But I didn't want to wait until next Monday to have someone look at my nose and throat and say "Yep, you need anti-biotics." However, she couldn't fit me in anywhere this week, so her office suggested I go to a local clinic. That sounded fine by me, except - guess what - the clinic costs $200-$300 and they're "out of network" so I'd have to pay the entire bill with a $300 deductible!! Guess who's NOT going to see a doctor today, after all?

The good news is that I woke up this morning feeling much better than I have in days, and most of the gooey snotty mess seems to be gone (sorry if that's TMI; believe me, I'm holding back). I am going to continue a regimen of Echinacea & Goldenseal, tea, water, and start a nasal flush treatment (which I need to pick up at the drugstore today). That, and lots of rest.

In other news - I had a sort of mini-review at work yesterday, based on the observations my two bosses did of my class a couple weeks ago. It went pretty well; they had some good things to say and some suggestions for improvement that were right on track. I think the meeting was helpful for us to communicate and for me to get a better sense of where I am on their "scale". I have some concrete things to focus on achieving now, and I feel much better about being there. Also, I'm conducting a "mini-study" that my boss seems to be supporting. I am really hoping that the darkest days are behind me, now.

The truth is that I still have a lot to learn about teaching, and this job is going to give me the experience and direct feedback I need to improve my teaching. It seems as if my bosses have recognized that I do need a little more coaching and mentoring; that I am a new teacher and as such I need more support than I was given at the beginning (first half) of the semester.

So all in all, the semester is finishing up pretty well. Of course, tomorrow and Thursday I have to tell my students they will be continuing in the program next semester, which they don't want to hear at all. This'll be fun. NOT.

Well, time for more food and to get ready for work.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's a crisp wintery morning here, with a little snow on the ground and a turkey in the fridge waiting to be roasted. Bizarro started the day off by listening to Democracy Now (uber liberal program carried by PBS, low frequency FM stations, and public access TV). I am not a conservative, but these uber liberals have got to calm the f*ck down.

Anyway. Momazoo is coming today - Bizarro's going to pick her up - and I'm all loaded up for a full T'giving dinner. I'm even going to attempt baking a pumpkin pie from scratch! Woo hoo!!

Yesterday we spent almost 5 hours in the freaking mall waiting for Sears to put on the snow tires and change the oil. I bought makins' for a holiday wreath at AC Moore, and we also got plastic for the windows. I went to belly dance class last night even though I was tired - but I needed to hear the music and move my body. After that, a trip to Weggies and the wine shop and then home utterly exhausted. But I still managed to get food prepped for today. Wow!

Had bad dreams about work last night - just worry dreams. I'm really hoping I can turn things around there with this new project that my boss likes. Wish me luck!

Okay, time to drink coffee and watch the Macy's parade. I'll write more soon.

up and atom

Woke up this morning from a most bizarre dream. Not supernatural or alien-related, but like watching some indie movie. I got up and wrote it down. I was able to get some good writing done on my sci fi script last night. It's almost done! I also found a fairly useful website for writing resources: http://www.absolutewrite.com. There's a section on screenwriting which has a little bit of everything (agents, business, stuff for beginners, etc.). I have a bunch of books on my shelf from my MFA days, but there's one more I'd like to get (Christmas present, anyone?): How To Make A Good Script Great by Linda Segar.

I had originally hoped to stay home all day and write, but this afternoon I'm (we're) going to the wake of good friend's father. My friend and his wife life in Elmira, and I've known them since my super-geeky Star Trek fan club days back in high school (WE DID CHARITY WORK, we didn't sit around and watch old episodes. We made fun of those kinds of fans.) Anyway, so the afternoon will be punctuated with a drive to Elmira, 1/2 hour at the wake, 1/2 hour at mom's for coffee, then home again. Right. That's the plan.

Well I'm going to get back to the writing. Maybe I should wake Bizarro up from his beauty sleep.

P.S. Went to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire yesterday. It was just okay. Seemed disjointed and rushed, even at 2. 5 hours. Guess it's getting harder and harder to adapt those books as they get thicker and darker.

something witty this way comes

It's been a couple weeks since my last entry. Last weekend I was in the Big Apple for a conference. All of us from work went down (crammed in a minivan) and stayed for 2 nights and 2.5 days. The weekend was a mixed bag, but I think I turned an important corner.

Our hotel was a great location at the juncture of China Town and Little Italy. We walked around a lot and had good food (Italian one night, Chinese another). I bought Bizarro a fake NY license plate that says "Bada Bing." I also had a chance to visit with my old chum Scotto and his wife Tiki (they live in Queens). The conference itself was about 90% geared to K-12 TESOLers. However, there were a couple of interesting Applied Linguistics / Socio Ling presentations that reminded me of why I enjoyed this field so much in grad school. Ahhh... grad school.... the place of learning, books, research, theories, Ivory Tower brainiacs... not mired in the ugly brutalities of politics and PhD personalities all trying to get out on top of the heap.

Maybe I had an unusual grad school experience (and granted, it was "only" an M.A. program, not PhD), but with a couple of exceptions, it was very much like a family on the 3rd Floor of Gordy Hall where everyone shared resources and ideas and rarely did anyone get ugly or mean-spirited. There were a couple fruitloops, but overall they were just ignored. It was a very "safe" place for me (we’re talking working relationships, not administrative incompetence!), and these days I often feel as if I wasn't prepared for the dog-eat-dog of the Ivies. Anyway, I do digress...

The other thing that the conference did for me is give me ideas and ideas and ideas. That kind of mental stimulation is what I crave, and why I've always enjoyed being in school. So I presented one of my ideas to my boss and she liked it very much. It's a small project she's assigned to me, and I'm thrilled. I have been feeling like I've been running in place to catch up after the fiasco of that eval project (which, BTW, was completely shot down by muckity-mucks farther up the food chain, so now it's not happening at all! And, best of all, it had nothing to do with me). The conference did something to help me get my chops back and remind me of why I'm in this field, and how I can contribute.

There was an incident that also helped propel me toward this conclusion. One of my other supervisors was there and made a comment to me in a nasty, dismissive tone of voice that really cut me down (professionally embarrassed me and personally pissed me right the hell off). I walked away from that comment absolutely shaking with anger. It was the camel's straw. At that point I really had to fight to get control of myself. This was the last time - the LAST time - I was going to swallow their poison! I stood by the humungous window facing 5th Avenue (the conference was held on NYU campus) and for about 15 minutes just stood and stared and let my anger steam out my ears until I could move again. Then I began to think - okay, the problem is that over the last 2 months I have allowed myself to think poorly of my own professional mettle. I've let that freaking project become such a failure in my own mind that it has overshadowed everything. I've assumed that every nasty turn, every comment, every slight that I've experienced in that place is somehow appropriately directed at me because I'm unworthy of that place. Man, what a mind job! So - I reasoned - if I remember who I am, why I'm there, and why they hired me in the first place - those comments will just roll off my back. They won't harm me at all. And those people can go f*ck themselves when someday they use that tone with the wrong person and they get what's coming for all the mean things they've ever said. In the meantime, I will have my dignity and my self-esteem and I won't ever stoop to that level. I will maintain what I need to do what I want to achieve in my life which is all that really matters anyway.

I did a lot of brainstorming about what I'd like to get out of this job, in terms of what I can learn and the experiences I can gather. I also brainstormed things I'd like to pursue in a couple of years' time, after I have a baby. I decided that from now on, I am working for me, and my future. Change in emphasis, shift in perspective. I’m not trying to please anyone or prove myself to anyone. As far as I’m concerned, I did that in my interview. From this point on, I’m in it for myself and my students. The hell with the rest of it. I guess that’s what most people do there, and I was looking for more of a warm-fuzzy family oriented workplace, which was a constant source of disappointment for me. I will say that I’m still on edge a lot there, but it’s easier for me to just brush it off and remind myself of my focus and my purpose. And this, like everything else in this world, is temporary. I won’t have to be there the rest of my life, so there’s nothing for me to be too upset about.

The trip to NYC did allow me to bond a little bit more with the people I work with, which is always a helpful thing in building working relationships. I don’t feel quite the odd-woman-out as I did a month ago. Bizarro keeps reminding me that a lot of what I’ve been feeling is due to being “the new guy” but I have to say, I’ve had a lot of “new guy” experiences, but never one so difficult. I think that from now on, with my own personal epiphany and the bonding, things will be progressively easier. I’ve also just about finished my first semester, which hopefully means next semester won’t be fraught with so many errors and “by the way you were supposed to do it this way” comments.

One last word about the conference – I had to stay with the “black sheep” of our center. There actually is someone below me on the food chain, and she is really a most annoying, problematic person. She never shuts up about herself and her daughter’s French boyfriend. And, worst of all, she snores. Loudly. I ended up getting very little sleep on top of an over-stimulating weekend, after being sick for a week. So, I ended up with a relapse of being sick for a few days this week. But I seem to be over it now.

I’m looking forward to taking a break for T’giving, and then the wondrous month of working from home in Dec-Jan!! Oh, the joy! I do think that I need a personal retreat and detox weekend. This has been a helluva year with no real breaks or times of rest and renewal.

Here’s to better times!

Home Sweet Home

Just got back from a lovely dinner at mom's - her homemade sauce with bow tie macaroni and Eye-Talian sausage. Bizarro took a break from writing (which is all he does these days) and came with me. The drive down to Elmira was beautiful in the warm sunshine, and dinner was exquisite (we brought a bottle of sweet blush - Bully Hill of course!). After dinner we played Scrabble and I won! Today was completely the antithesis of yesterday in every way. Thank gawd.

My insights for making things less stressful: as I said earlier, recognizing that life is tough, and everyone is going through the same shit (different day). Maybe it doesn't look like people are going through anything particularly distressing - but we cannot know each other's minds and hearts, nor past and future lives. So that means we're all connected by the same human experience. The best we can do is to laugh at our predicament together.

That's my new focus - treat everything with humor, as in, not taking myself or anything else too seriously. We'll see how that goes. I felt some drastic movement this weekend - something awaking inside my mind. I hope this is the beginning of the end of my angry sub-terranean lava flows.

Here's to a new week.

P.S. Hey Mr. Club - saw that you called - I was driving. Call me back some time - after 7:00 p.m. on weeknights is best, or weekends of course. :)

New Day

Well it's Sunday morning and I'm feeling a lot better after getting a good night's sleep. Last night we just hung out with a bottle of our favorite wine (Bully Hill Love My Goat), and watched Campion (starring my favorite Doctor, Peter Davison). Some good British mystery to assuage my sagging spirit. (Not to mention the wine!)

In my musings this weekend, I recognized a fundamental notion of Buddhism that really stuck with me - in my own words here: The reason why people are mean is because life is hard. (Well DUH! Yes I know - but the simplicity of this statement and its implications are profound.)

People are always reacting, reacting, reacting -- to the difficulties of just getting through a day. Think of all the stuff we have to do in one day - working, feeding ourselves, doing chores, spending time with other people in our family even when we're tired, etc. We all have to do these things (well, MOST of us) and often these things are difficult in an of themselves, much less when you combine them all, and then throw on top the human condition of having turbulent emotions that attach themselves to events, actions, people and situations. Hence, the constant reacting, reacting, reacting. Often we react based on our emotional states, which are bound up in all kinds of psychological processes that may or may not have anything to do with the actual event, action, people or situation.

So what if I just recognize and accept that "life is hard." Or as the Buddha put it: "Life is suffering." Anything I do is within the bounds of that statement, and therefore anything anyone else does, is also within those bounds. We're all just trying to muddle through somehow. This puts us all on more equal footing, which helps us to find compassion for each other (even when we're being assholes). That's not to say that we should continually put ourselves in harm's way or remain in a damaging situation, but we can have compassion for ourselves and for the other parties (and get out). But I digress a little -

If I accept that "life is hard" then I can stop trying to force and/or expect everything to be perfect (including myself). This is often what I try to do, albeit unconciously. By doing that, I set myself up for perpetual disappointment and frustration, which builds up and eventually turns into rage that the world is a sucky place and I'm never good enough.

Okay, I better stop there for now. I'll write more later. That's more than enough for the time being.

Hanging On

I don't understand why I always feel targeted by life's mean-spirited events, but I do. I spent over and hour in the Sprint store and only got some of the satisfaction I was looking for. It was exhausting, and I resent having to do it at all. On the way home we stopped at the Collegetown Bagels and when I went to get my card out, lo and behold - my debit card was missing. After a thorough search of my wallet and purse (numerous times), the car, the walk to the car, my pockets and anywhere else it would have been, we had to conclude that it's been nicked. Last night we went to Borders around 10:20 and closed the place down (a ripping Friday night, don't you think?). I did buy a book (not in the budget but it was a book on anger and stuff), and for the life of me I don't remember the cashier handing me my card back. Can this be so? Or did I just jam it into my purse without realizing it and it fell out on the ground outside? I have no idea, but it's gone. I called to cancel it today. Which means I have no access to my bank account until Monday.

Is it me? Do I have some horrid curse that I'll never be financial solvent and I will run in to every possible issue and problem with money? This latest wave of bullshit started after we moved here (beginning with Sprint in August). Maybe no one wanted this apartment for a reason - it's got the most fucked up Feng Shui in town.

I'm pissed because my entire day, a full day of my weekend, has been totally fucking ruined.
Moving here was supposed to be a good thing, but so far all I've experienced is shitty boss at work, money problems, and now we're peering into the chasm of 6 months of hard winter. Maybe this was a mistake.

I think I need to get some counseling for depression because every attempt I make at pulling myself out of the gutter winds up with me slipping back into the mud hole.

Stormy Weather

I'm going through a tough time right now. Things have settled down at work, which makes day-to-day life a lot more enjoyable. But an old "friend" is back in town - anger.

Last night I had a melt down because of the continuing problems I'm having with Sprint. I won't get into it all, let's just say I'm going over to their store today and demanding to have my contract terminated and I AIN'T paying no $150. They're the bastards who have broken the good-faith agreement with lousy service.

Anyway, the point is that I totally lost it again last night - temper tantrum. I never throw anything or hit anything, but I shout and send out blasts of anger-heat-waves. My poor husband got so rattled and upset - his blood pressure went through the roof and he ended up with a bloody nose. That was the reality check of a lifetime for me. I've often said "I'll do better next time." when something happens and I lose my temper. But now, it's different. I spent the rest of the evening trying to get focused. I went to bed around 11:00 and these are two of the dreams I had:

All my dreams last night took place in this area by a lake, like a little town.

In the first dream, I was in training to become some kind of magical hero. There were two trainers (masters) and myself, and we were near a lake practicing our "superpower," which was conjuring animals and animal spirits. The first animal I conjured was a monkey (that is also my Chinese zodiac sign). Then suddenly, there was some menacing entity attacking the little town on the lake. The two masters urged me to hang back, but try as they might, they couldn't defeat the entity (like a dinosaur bird thing with a long sharp beak). The thing grabbed a little kid on the shore and started to fly away. I jumped out (flying over the face of the lake) and conjured "horned demon" but the two masters told me it was too powerful and difficult to control. But I managed to hold onto it and directed it specifically to defeat the beast AND not harm the little kid. It did! The demon destroyed the beast and then dropped the kid, who landed in the water. I got the little kid and brought it to the shore. The kid didn't look "real" though - almost like a plastic doll.

In the follow-up dream (there were other snippets of dream in the same "place" by this lake), I was a super hero (like Superman) who had chosen the path of Peace and wouldn't fight anymore. Some bad guy came up to me and started picking a fight. I calmly explained my new outlook on life, and he calmed down and in fact we became buddies.

This morning I am feeling more at peace than I have in a long time. I feel as if a veil has lifted and the cloak of depression is not so tightly wrapped. I realize that is over-the-top imagery, but it is apt. I am going to spend as much of this weekend as possible with meditation and reading Dharma books that speak of anger and turbulent emotions. This is something I need to crack before I bring a new person in this world. I believe that this anger - spurred on by POWERLESSNESS - was learned from my mother when I was but a wee tot. Looking back, I can certainly see the signs. I don't want this to be a legacy to hand down to the next generation. I owe it to myself, to my future daughter/son, and to my husband.

Not so much light reading today, huh?

Life... at last

Little by little, I'm feeling like my life here is what I want it to be. Things at work have changed drastically. I prayed and prayed for all obstacles to be removed at work, regarding the eval project I was trying to finish, and in fact the entire project went away. The "obstacle" was that entire project, and I hadn't wanted to admit to myself how miserable I was as a result of it. Not only was it ridiculous to give such a high-profile, high-stakes program eval project to the new person (new to the university, new to the program, and new to the field of ITA training), but I've never done a project of such scope. Not only that, they expected me to do it totally by myself on TOP OF a full time teaching load and mandatory meetings with my 23 students every week. I was going in early, coming home late, working through lunches, and not taking any breaks. I had to get filled in on all the background and industry history that I didn't know about. It was ludicrous. I worked my arse off getting the proposal put together and creating the survey instrument for a project that needs to be completed THIS semester with a final report in December. I really consumed a lot of pressure, after meetings with my boss who would micromanage me and criticize me without even really looking at the work I'd done. As I said, I was totally miserable but didn't want to admit it, cause afterall, people would kill for my job and in every other way, this is a good situation.

Last week they informed me rather abruptly that they were passing the project on to one of the other folks in the program, due to the fact that relationships with the other departments need to be kept on a good note throughout this project, and they don't want someone brand new dealing with those departments. That's a sound management decision, in my opinion, knowing how out of control politics are on that campus, and besides, I'm more than happy to see that project become someone else's responsibility. I did a lot of work, which everyone except my boss has commented on.

In the meantime, they've given me a really great project - one I'm actually prepared to do. I'm creating curriculum for the fourth course in the sequence they have in place. I'm very excited about it and I feel GREAT at work. I actually have time to focus on my teaching, now, preparing more adequately for classes and conferences. I can get the work I need done in the time I have without working over 45 hours and feeling scared that I'm in over my head. It's like a new existence.

I'm also getting the hang of the new bi-weekly paychecks, as far as budgeting. We had a bit of a tough situation at the end of the last two weeks, due to my poor planning. That won't happen again, for now I have a plan and a budget and a more realistic idea of the cost of living here.

Today I had lunch with mom and we went to one of the local farms that sell stuff, especially in the fall. I bought a HUGE flowering mum plant for $4.95 and some cute little gourds for a couple bucks. Then I went to see one of the nuns at my old high school. They've got two Korean girls and NO idea what to do with their poor English skills. Apparently one of the more deccicated nuns was reading short stories at the girls and then asking "did you understand that?" Right. So I gave some healthy advice and a few resources. I wish the best for those poor girls. Why the fuck did they get sent to a school without an ESL program, is what I want to know.

Tomorrow I am just going to take it easy around the house, although I'm having coffee and a bagel in the morning with my friend from work. We have barely seen each other in the last couple weeks, so it'll be good to catch up with her.

Oh, and tonight I also decided on my Halloween costume for the party we're going to next weekend. The costume shop was open and I bought a three-cornered hat with some white "fur" trim, and a musket ball pistol for a pirate costume. I think Bizarro is going as a pimp. His favorite costume, I think.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm getting a lil' tired and would like to do some reading before going to bed.

TTFN

So much to say...so little energy.

Spent most of today, my only real day of "rest" before returning to work, figuring out what was wrong with my checkbook. That took the greater part of the afternoon. So much for spending a peaceful day to myself. Instead, today was a "hive of scum and villainy." Here is my hate list for the day:

I hate MBNA. (they are more creditors than human now; twisted and evil)
I hate Sprint (they socked me with a service charge and prorated rates that weren't supposed to be there according to the inept bumblefucks at the Pyramid Mall Sprint store, which also didn't appear on my bill, so my phone service was turned off this weekend and I had to call 4 times to get it "fixed" which is really isn't still)
I hate banks. They all suck ass.
I hate micromanagers who wear ugly turquoise pants with yellow monkeys printed on them, and then lecture me about "professionalism" when I haven't even done anything.
I hate statistics.
I hate gray skies and bone-chilling damp.
I hate radiant heaters that have two dials on them, both of which are numbered 1 - 6. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
I hate not getting things done.
I hate not having enough time for myself.
I hate PMS

But I do love my husband, and my family (most of them), and the great potential and opportunity I have in life. I love Dharma (even when I'm making a hate list to blow off steam).

Here's my "love" list, where "love" really means "like a lot":

I love perks on the side like taking home my computer on the weekends.
I love living near a lake.
I love having good friends like the ones in my life, both near and far.
I love the fact that I am just like every other living being on the planet: just trying to be happy in some way.
I love Chinese food.
I love having health benefits.
I love film.
I love curriculum development.
I love meditating.

Okay, and a few more comments at random:

1. Whitley Streiber is a well-meaning nutcase.
2. Israel and Palestine need to get over it and start acting like grown-ups.
3. Anyone who is considered to be "Kenny G lite" needs to find a new occupation.
4. Will Farrell is just NOT funny. Ever.
5. I need to see a good movie to get my creative juices flowing again.

That's it from the nut farm today. It's been a loooong weekend and I'm almost glad to be going back to work tomorrow. Almost. Until next time..

A Few Moments of Peace

On this gorgeous Sunday morning, I'm sitting on our little patio in my camping chair. It's warm and sunny, and I am so pleased to be able to enjoy some fresh air. Bizarro and I have been down with colds since Thursday. We both seem to be over the worst of it, and actually he was much worse off than myself so I'm feeling pretty well except for the constant sniffling and nose blowing. My nose is sore from "tissue burn."

Earlier I did some T'ai Chi on the patio, and it felt great to move my body. Since I haven't been able to find a teacher, I've resigned myself to practicing alone. Instead of going to a class, I might just find someone in the community who can work with me, a Chinese person with whom I can trade ESL tutoring. There are so many internationals in this complex, and the Asian grocery store is a stone's throw away from here. So that's my new avenue to explore.

Now that I'm feeling somewhat settled in the job, I need to really get my life balance back. I had just achieved that before leaving Ohio, and it's been hard not having it here. There's still that bellydancing class on Wednesday nights, and I think I can find a yoga class for Friday.

Anyway, things to think about.

Yesterday we took a break from our sequestered sickness to go see Serenity, Josh Whedon's flim version of the show Firefly. It was pretty good, as far as all that. Won't give away any spoilers. I might try to see it again someday when I'm not sick and distracted by phlegm.

Friday night I rented Kung Fu Hustle and laughed as much as the first time I saw it. Stephen Chow has a pretty funny imagination.

Yesterday we camped out in the living room in the evening and watched all kinds of dreck on TV, including the season premier of SNL. There was one funny sketch in the whole show. Weekend Update was okay with Horatio Sands and the blond chick. Tina Fey's having a baby I guess. Who isn't having a baby these days?

Well on that note, I have a wonderful book of short stories to read and some writing of my own to do. Despite the stress and brain space occupied by this new job, I am still trying to attend to my other projects - the creative ones that need to one day be finished or I'll lose my mind.

Happy October!

Ms Bizarro Enters the 21st Century

I got an email from my Huzz-Binnd today that told me 1. he's sick :( and 2. a package arrived for me today. The package contained a reconstituted zip drive with USB cord, which I ordered last weekend to use with my nifty Powerbook G4 from work. I also bought a flash drive a couple weeks ago. What does all this mean? It means that all the files on my Macasaurus (G3 Power Mac from OU) which has nothing but a zip drive can be moved onto a flashdrive and back again via the G4 PB. Ultimately, it means I can write again and have the ability to print files, send files via email, etc.

I am one happy camper! Except that I have the change-of-weather cold that Bizarro has. It's always something, eh?

Mellow Yellow

The song, not the drink. Well today wasn't very yellow but it was most certainly mellow. I started off the morning poring through all the medical insurance stuff from work - finally I was able to pick a plan and fill out the form. I am really disgusted by how these HMOs work. It's a total racket. THEY decide what is considered "medically necessary" treatment, rather than the doctors (as far as payment is concerned). We'll see how HealthNow does. I was spoiled - my first job out of college was at a radiologists' billing office, and although the job and most of my coworkers sucked arse, there was 100% coverage on everything (including dental).

Anyway, after the 2 hours it took me to figure out all the fine print (with Bizarro's patient assistance), I then settled down to constructing a budget based on what my actual net income is going to be after paying the premiums. That was not as painful as it has been in the past, but still gave me a headache and made me feel stressed out. By 1:30 I hadn't eaten any lunch and was feeling drained from all the "real world" stuff.

The rest of the afternoon and early evening slid by without my noticing. I fell asleep in my camping chair out on the patio, then I came inside and fell asleep on the living room floor. I surfed the "interwub" and then settled down in front of the toob, toggling between the National Geographic Channel and E! 101 Juiciest Hookups. Yeah. I was that bored. Actually I think National Geographic should change their name to the "In Search Of... Channel." First there was an interesting program on "The Science of the Bible" and then came a show investigating Spontaneous Human Combustion (or what I like to call "Extemporaneous Combustment"). During the SHC show there were commercials for other forthcoming programs - like searching for the Loch Ness Monster, and buildings that suddenly collapse for no apparent reason. "Is this the same National Geographic company that prints the magazines about anthropology and bizarre species of spiders in Africa?" I asked myself.

After the "instantaneous conflagration" show I turned off the toob and FINALLY - at 7:00 at night - began doing the things I had hoped to accomplish earlier. I felt depressed and was overcome with ennui all day. I think my body was demanding a rest and my mind was arguing. My mind lost. I guess you could say, I lost my mind?

Last night we went to Elmira and had dinner with mom, and then met some friends of mine at our favorite Irish pub. They serve Smithwicks (pronounced "Smithicks") which I haven't seen in America at all until now. Wow! I was very excited and Bizarro got to drive the 45 minutes home cuz I was pleasantly juiced. We started yesterday out at the "Ithacon" (local comics convention which was pretty puny) and then I cleaned the house like a whirling dervish. No wonder my body demanded some rest today. I don't always listen to what my body says it needs.

Anyway, tomorrow's another Monday. Too soon if you ask me. I do have a massage appointment in the morning, which is nice, except that it means a long-ass day for yours truly, as I teach until 7:30. The chiropractic adjustment on Friday helped the back spasms but I'm still having a sharp pain in the right side of my neck.

Damn all I do is kvetch! I need a vacation already. I need to meditate more. I need to let go of my need to control every damned little thing. Hm. I sense that karmically, that's exactly what this job is challenging me to do. I have always believed that nothing is an accident in life, and that you get what you need, even if you don't want it or recognize its worth at first. I'll try to keep that in mind.

'Night.

Over the Rainbow

Well this week has ended on a much brighter note than any week since I started this job. I finally got somewhere with the evaluation project proposal and had a good meeting about it today with the assist. dir. of my program. I wasn't sure about how to relate to her but in the last 2-3 weeks I finally "got" her and she's actually very helpful and funny. My other boss, the director, was out most of the week due to a family emergency. I'm sad for that, but honestly it was enough peace and quiet for me to get my wits together and get some things done without that frenetic worry-wort energy cloud. I'm not the only one who noticed the peace and quiet, either.

I did have a major back spasm on wednesday which calmed down a bit but still was giving me pain today. We drove all the way to Canandaigua (about 2 hours) to see my chiropractor guy from when I lived in Rochester. He's a friend of a friend and in fact, I guess I consider hiim a friend as well now (he was here with those mutual friends when we had our first gathering a few weeks ago). He's absolutely the best back-cracker guy I've ever gone to. Feeling much more aligned now, and will take a hot salts bath tonight before beddie by. I also have a massage scheduled for Monday morning.

I feel like I'm finally settling in with the job, and hopefully my schedule. I need to start doing some "me stuff" instead of coming home every night and plopping in front of the boob toob with a full glass of red wine. Gotta find some fiddling and some T'ai Chi (finally heard back from the Taoist Tai Chi club - I may start there and see what else comes up - they don't do any martial applications which I find helpful for learning the form). Found a belly dancing teacher so I need to get my butt down there on Wednesday evenings. I'd also like to start writing again. I need to get an external zip drive so I can use it with my MacDaddyPowerBook from work and get the files off my old MacDinosaur. Woo hoo!

Tonight I started working on a budget. I'm worried about student loans coming in January 2006. Yipes. I owe more money than Bill Gates even thinks about spending in a week. That's a lot of money, by the way. But let's not think about that unpleasant business now. In only a week's time, Serenity opens in theatres and I can't wait! Joss Whedon rules.

Time for a bath, methinks. I miss Mr. and Mrs. Club very VERY much. I will have to email or call the Catwoman soon. I feel bad I've been lax at keeping in touch.

Happy Autumn Equinox~

Fool on the Hill

Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' ... when one is engaged in life. The weekend is winding down and I'm not ready to think about going back to the School on the HIll (as it shall hence forth be known). I guess that makes me "Fool on the Hill."

The apartment is really feeling like home now. The shelving for the TV and media we bought yesterday (dubbed "Transformer furniture" by my husband due to the mix-and-match series of shelves and shapes) has finally brought that section of the living room under control. We only have 2 boxes (one of videos the other of audio cassettes) sitting here now, and we will be buying two more pieces of Transformer furniture to house my CDs and the boom box that serves as our ghetto-stereo these days. The table that used to be under the TV is now in the dining room area, with pictures and plants on it. Very cozy!

I have to get a grip for this research project I'm working on at the School on the Hill. It's a program evaluation, and not only is it high-stakes, high-visibility within the university, but it will be representing a program of this particular Ivy League, so it has to be really quality. I'm a bit nervous - the stats part of it I'm not ready for at the moment. All in good time. I have a great book that I was supposed to read this weekend about stats (which I will do tonight) and one of my coworkers, who is a PhD student, is offering to help me with some ideas.

Well anyway, dinner's almost up so I better get it off the stove/oven. Here's to another fabulous week in September.

My Generation

I looked it up. Gen Y = Echo Boomers = Millenium. Here's a little scoop on the various generations (from a marketing perspective). (From www.onpoint-marketing.com.)

generation x :
Born between 1965 and 1980, generation x members number 50 million in the U.S , comprising 17% of the population. Members of gen x spend $125 billion annually on consumer goods in the U.S. Generation x is characterized by a propensity for technology, skepticism to advertising claims, and attraction to personal style rather than designer price tags.

Members of generation x include a high percentage of entrepreneurs, as well as employees who easily transition from one employer to another. Since generation x members spend a lot of time in front of the computer and are comfortable with e-commerce, high impact internet marketing techniques can help compel gen x individuals to purchase online.

generation y :
Born between 1981 and 1995, generation y members in America are more than 57 million strong. The y generation is the largest consumer group in the history of the U.S. Other names for gen y include Echo Boomers and the Millennium Generation.

Member of the y generation have annual incomes totaling $211 billion, according to a study from Harris Interactive. The study found that generation y spends $172 billion per year and saves $39 billion per year, and drives many adult purchasing decisions. Consequently, the y generation represents the future market for most consumer brands. The study also found that pre-teens (ages 8-12) spend $19.1 billion annually, while teens (13-19) spend $94.7 billion annually and young adults (20-21) spend $61.2 billion. 87 percent of income for children under age 13 years is adult-supplied, compared to 37 percent of teens and 7 percent of young adults, with teens and young adults relying mostly on jobs for their income.

Marketing to generation y members requires using more involved techniques than the traditional ones used to attract their parents. Member of generation y best respond to marketing methods that bring the message to places the y generation congregates, both offline and online. Successful generation y brands are perceived as hip and popular, but without the air of heavy commercialism. Also, generation y demographics show that gen y is more racially diverse, with one out of three members considering themselves non-Caucasian. One out of every four members of generation y lives in a single-parent environment and three in every four have working mothers.

Watching The Detectives

My new favorite show is History Detectives. Last week's show included a bit on finding the Leisurama Homes of Florida. Now there's some swank I can live with! I want to get a blue print for one of those homes and build one here in Upstate NY.

Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend

I will say that the weeks are absolutely flying by. No sooner is it Monday, then it's Friday. This weekend the big plans are to pick up some of the furniture we still need - a bed frame, shelving for CDs and videos, maybe even a small microwave (yay, Sears card!). Unfortunately it looks as if we're going to need a new futon mattress already. Apparently when the futon that Mr and Mrs Club sold us from their yard sale was in storage at my other friend's house, her cat got to it and marked it real good (Mreeow - this is MINE!). I've tried 1 bottles1/2 of that Nature's Miracle stuff but the stink is still here - not as strong, but still obvious when you sit down on the futon. Stupid cat.

Today it's gray and threatens rain. Good day for shopping! The other item I want to pick up today if possible is a new bag for carrying all my stuff to work. I'm using my black grad student bag and it just isn't convenient, not to mention it looks like a grad student bag. I want something pretty and yet very roomy for putting my lunch sack in. Hopefully I can find something at Target.

Thursday night we went out for Chinese food at the place that's spitting distance from our parking lot. My two friends from work came and the four of us had a good time. The food there is really great ; the shrimp in the shrimp curry is huge, for example, and the summer rolls are fresh. We all drank Tsing Tso beer and talked about the Echo Boomer generation (today's undergrads). I think Echo Boomers are the same as Gen Y but I'm not sure. I'll have to look that up. Anyway, we were talking about their sense of entitlement and how they demand A's at Cornell else their parents will sue. The parents, the Babyboomers, call their kids' professors and complain! Can you imagine that?? Apprently these kids are used to having everything done for them, including making their schedules, choosing schools, etc. They just expect that everythign will be in place to herald their success. What the fuck? I'm scared for the future of this country (what's left of it) when these people get to be CEOs, managers, and governors. We wondered whether they'll ever get a "reality check" or if reality will bend to their selfish wills. When they get out to the workplace, will they get their come-uppance, will they get told "get a grip or there's the door"? We can only hope.

Well Bizarro is eating his meat-wad breakfast and I have my coffee, so I best get on with planning the day. Here's to a beautiful Saturday~

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

The reason I haven't written in so long is that this job is totally absorbing my every waking moment. The two sides of the coin: on the one side, we'll call it "heads," this is a full time teaching job at an Ivy League with a decent paychecks and good benefits, doing what I've chosen to do as a career, etc. On the "tails" side, I have a micromanager, the culture is totally not what I'm used to (high pressure, high stakes) and everything is highly regimented with tons of paperwork and explicit instructions (not all of which are imparted to me until after I've fucked up).

Now, don't get me wrong, I really like this job and I do have a couple very awesome coworkers with whom I've struck up good friendships. In fact, one worked at the university in Colombia, MO of all places before she came here last year! I enjoy the commute and the Powerbook and iPod I get to take home. I also enjoy working with students and finding my "professional legs." But the straight up-and-down learning curve going on week 5 is really starting to chap my arse. It is getting better, but slowly and not without lots of trip ups and screw ups along the way. One of my bosses, although she has the New York City attitude, has shown me the most support and human-being-ness, and I really have appreciated that.

Overall I am still quite happy, although I have to say I can't see myself at that job for more than 2 years, max. Anyway, I will be having a kid sometime in the next 2 years so it's not an issue. I'll work until it's time to have a baby, that's all.

Bizarro is working on getting one of those temp-to-perm admin jobs that will allow hm to continue writing. I've gotten very used having a Haus Huzz-binnd and it'll be sad not to have the house cleaned and food cooked when I get home. But we need the monay to maintain the lifestyle to which we have become accustomed. :D

I found a belly dancing class but I'm not sure if the schedule is amenable. There seems to be no Yang style T'ai Chi easily found, which is a really bummer. But there is a workout room here in our complex, which I used last weekend. Best part is the sauna! I won't have to join a gym this winter, which is great - very convenient and free.

I'm sure I'll write again this weekend (I brought the Powerbook home this weekend) but at least there's a little update for now. I have work to do this weekend (jeezus it's starting to feel like grad school again!).

It's good to be me.

Get On The Bus, Gus

Today is the second day I've ridden the bus all the way from our apartment complex to work (rather than driving to A Lot and then bussing). I have to say, it's remarkably easy and reduces morning stress a whole lot. And it's free with my ID card, even better. This morning some guy got on the bus wearing an accordion. I suppose he's going to busque somewhere, but usually accordions are carried in a case. It was a random and funny sight to see.

Last night I co-presented/taught the orientation for one of the classes we'll be teaching. All the incoming students have to take the same class, of which there will be a number of sections. It went well considering that I barely knew what I was doing, and the video clip didn't work because these folks around here don't understand that a 6th generation dub of a video tape won't work in the newer VHS/SVHS machines (if the signal is that degraded, the machine won't see it; one benefit of keeping an older machine around). My mission is to get a decent copy of that clip onto a DVD or CD for next semester orientaion. The other issue was that no one realized we'd need an adapter to use the Mac powerbook with the projector. All in all, though, it went rather well.

I'm very happy it's Friday, and that I got paid on Wed. I'm going on a massive shopping spree: tonight groceries, tomorrow clothes and some household stuff (maybe even a bookcase).

Not going to see Momazoo this weekend, since she's still getting over some of the health issues she's had lately. She's in good spirits but not feeling up to visiting. That's just as well because I do want to go shopping and we are going to a Labor Day cookout on Sunday at a friends' house up in Phelps somewhere.

Time to feed my face.

Where'd you learn to walk? Sears?

I forgot to finish the story of my Sunday. Not only did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, but when we finally got our a-yasses out to the car to take a drive up the lake, the car wouldn't start. The battery seemed completely dead, but the lights hadn't been left on, nor the dome light. We waited 1 hour 15 for a truck to come and jump the battery. He said the connection was corroded. So we drove it over to Sears, which is very closeby and they of course replaced the entire battery as well as the connections. $102. The good part is that I was approved for a Sears card with $4000 credit. Must be my credit report isn't so shabby these days. Woo hoo!

After all that it was around 4 p.m. so we headed to the creamery on the lake. The place was pretty disappointing, both food and ice cream wise. Their hamburger was, according to Bizarro, of Dairy Queen Brazier quality. The soft ice cream wasn't very flavorful and I didn't even finish mine. Hell if I'm going to have lactose intolerace problems I want to enjoy the ice cream. No sense farting from bad ice cream.

That was pretty crass, wasn't it?

Bombarded

That's how I'm feeling today. My boss walked in and said "okay you're going to meet now with J and K about the evaluation project." Just like that. Not even 5 minutes notice. The meeting was fine and in fact I'm relieved to finally get a conversation going about it since I've been told it's my thing but had no real direction. This job is going to be hectic, that much is perfectly obvious to me. I'm not looking forward to it, but then again usually the reality is never as bad as the anticipation. It doesn't help that I've got people telling me 5 times a day "it's going to be soooo crazy / hectic / busy... YOU'LL see."

On a more uplifting note, my aforementioned friend G-Man is in Elmira for a few days and is coming to Ithaca tonight to see us. It's been years since I saw him and we have a lot of catching up to do. He and Bizarro will have plenty of martial arts stuff to discuss, I'm sure. So a good night is in store, even if my day is draining.

I don't know why I'm still having so much trouble getting up in the mornings. I've been on this schedule now for over a week. Of course all that will change soon! I look forward to not having to get up before 8 a.m.

Time for launch.

Sunday Sniffles

What is it with the gobs of you-know-what that cause me intense sneezing and snuffling every morning and throughout the day? It's a cold, no, it's an allergy, no it's a cold... what's going on here? Is it NY? Maybe my immune system is getting back its defenses against the allergens in this area.

Woke up feeling depressed this morning, and again I'm wondering if that's not a NY thing. Hell I spent 20 years being depressed in central/western NY. I've had more bouts of this feeling in the last month than in the last 5 years. Then again, it could just be all the things surrounding the move and the massive changes in my life over the last 6 months that have finally comingled and surfaced. I have to believe that my emotional gyroscope will finally level off. It better before winter hits, or I'm toast. I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) at the best of times. Luckily, my boss got us full spectum lamps for our offices at work, so that will definitely help. I'm also going to get a couple bulbs for home, too.

Yesterday I drove down to see Momazoo. I took her to the grocery store and showed her the best yogurt for her to eat while she's getting over the G.I. problems she's been having. I also did a little housework for her (just light weight stuff like watering plants and cleaning the top of the refrigerator). We also drove around Elmira and looked at the buildings that are still there, and the empty storefronts. It's such a shame; Elmira was once a bustling place. You can feel the wisps of that time when you see some of those buildings (the ones that haven't been razed) or catch a glimpse of imagining what a busy corner may have looked like. Hell, even since I was a teenager the downtown as gone into severe decline.

What happened, in a nutshell, was that in 1972 there was a massive flood in that whole region. Elmira never fully recovered - but they did have a chance, which they blew. Developers wanted to put one of those new-fangled "malls" down the street from the downtown area. The powers that be said "No, you'll take away our business" (meaning downtown business). So, they built the mall out in the middle of nowhere across from the airport two towns over. That area is now teeming as the mall has undergone a number of expansions, and across the highway is the Wal-Mart anchored "consumer square". Downtown Elmira is a ghost town. Same story all over the country, I know. Downtowns being forsaken in the white flight to the suburbs, or in this case, just poor decision making. Here are some photos and memories of Elmira, NY, past and present .

I think I've got Bizarro talked into going out and exploring around the lake this afternoon. There's an ice creamery somewhere on the western side of the lake I'd like to find. I hope we end up going. I could use some water and nature.

I'm being asked "Are you done there, yet?" so I guess that means I'm done. Here's to another week.

Chocolate Mousee Bloat

Just back from the substantial and expensive luncheon with my program colleagues. Not only did we have a fantastic 2-hour lunch but we have the rest of the day off! I'm going to head out of here pretty soon. I think I better walk to A Lot rather than bus it after that incredible chocolate mousee.

First week is over - I survived. Thank gawd it was a slow week because there are so many new things to learn and get used to. By the time classses begin I should be feeling somewhat settled in here.

Well I think it's time to amscray. Have a great weekend!

Week 1

I've just finished my second day at the new job. I am DEFINITELY in the right place. Things are crazy as beginning of the semester usually is, and everyone is telling me that it's just "go with the flow" and encouraging me in this "trial by fire" period. These people have no idea the hell-mouth I just left! The minor inconveniences are a breeze because 1. It's Cornell, 2. I love this job. 3. I'm getting paid what I'm worth. 4. It's Cornell and 5. It ain't OU.

Tomorrow night we're going to a dinner/bonfire at the home of our good friends who helped us move in. I love it!!

Mom had a doctor's appointment today with a Gastroentroeoeoaie9st something specialist. She's been having GI problems for the last few months and finally decided to go to the doctor (I went with her last week). Since the fiber supplement hasn't helped her, it's time to look at more serious causes. I'm scared that this will turn out like my dad: he went to doctors for GI problems and they said "you're fine" and within 6 months he was in stage 4 cancer. Today I heard the exact same story from one of my co-workers whose brother has just gone through the same thing. For anyone out there who's the praying type, please keep my mom in your prayers.

Last thought of the day - I have a net ID (still need to get my password and get logged in) and the ID includes the number 33. It's funny how the number 3 always finds me! And since my birthday is March 3 (3/3) it's even more appropos.

Time to head home. Yay!

Countdown

I can't believe it's Friday. 3 weeks have gone by. What did I do for 3 weeks? Unpacked, read, went swimming, cleaned... um. Where did 3 weeks GO? Of course this week I had to get sick, in preparation for having to go to work on Monday. And I found out because I happened to ask on Wednesday that I need to use my appointment letter to get my parking permit and my I.D. My appointment letter is nowhere to be found, however.

I have a strong feeling the people in Transportation took it when I went in there for my temporary 3-day pass when I first got here. I happen to know there's an envelope waiting for me from Transportation in my office (which I can't get to if I don't have a parking permit and an I.D. to ride the campus shuttle bus). I have a feeling the content of that envelope is my appointment letter. Grrrrrrrrrr!!! I'll just have to see to it all this morning. Of course I feel like utter SHITE so this should be a grand day.

Bizarro and I were supposed to have a day out and about together today but 1) see above and 2) I'm sick and 3) it's supposed to rain. We've been in "moving and settling in mode" and haven't really had time to get out together and see any of the natural beauty around here, of which there is plenty. I was really hoping we could do that today, or maybe this weekend. We'll see. Still 2 more days before work starts.

I'm now feeling all these little trepidations about the new job. Will I fit in? Is it going to be too much work for me? I was told 40ish hours a week, which is fine, but I hear other people talking about 13 hour days and 60 hour weeks and that is NOT what I signed up for. Well...we'll just see what happens. I must be careful not to get overly defensive before I even get there, and then act like an asshole for no reason.

Well - another piece of evidence that mercury is in retrograde: one of the tell-tale signs, besides communication and transportation going awry, is that you're supposed to hear from old friends out of touch. It happened last MR with my friend from Ireland, and it happened again 2 days ago. A good buddy of mine from high school who is now a secret service organized crime task force officer (I'll call him GMan) got in touch with me after almost 3 years of no contact (since before I went to Korea). He and I never dated but we hung out a bunch of times and had mutual friends (those who weren't the "in" crowd in HS but neither were the bottom rung of the social ladder.) He's a very nice guy and extremely introspective (for a cop - ha!). He would get along quite well with Bizarro and Mr. Club - similar politics and a knowledgable interest in martial arts. He lives in the Windy City and is single - I have a girlfriend who just moved up there a couple months ago. Hmmm...

Anyway, I'm glad we're back in touch. He's one of the very few folks I care to be in touch with from H.S. (which mainly holds bad memories for me). He's in regular contact with a few of our other friends, and I'm hoping I can get back in touch with them. One's an army guy, one is getting his PhD from Columbia or someplace like that. Funny thing is those guys were not held in very high esteem at our school. The guidance counselor tried to disuade both Gman and ArmyGuy from joining the army (Gman started in the army) -- no doubt so that the school could keep up their percentage of graduates going on to college. Both of them have done far better and seen more of the world than the local yokels who went to regional colleges and are working in retail. NOT that there's anything wrong with retail, but you get my drift here.

I was in honors and AP classes but I wasn't from a rich family like my other classmates in those classes, and I wasn't part of their "in" crowd. Still, I feel vindicated that I've lived in Asia and I wonder if many or any of them have lived abroad. Well I should stop gloating now, I suppose.

Y'know how I can tell I'm sick and not just with allergies? I have no taste for coffee whatsoever. Just tea. I only get like that when I'm sick. Good thing I have some "Irish breakfast tea" in the house.

Speaking of which, I'm going to go drink that now. Here's to a wonderful day!

Squeaky Wheel

For once, this description doesn't apply to me. It applies to the woman with the baby stroller that is in some serious need of WD-40. Jeezus, lady, this is a LIBRARY! I overheard her explaining herself to a library patron that she needs to keep moving to "keep her quiet." Jeezus, the baby'd made less noise than the damn stroller!

I just got my Tompkins County Public Library card - a boon since we have no money to buy books and I'm at the end of a series I need to finish (as well as start a new one).

Squeaky wheel lady is on her way out - damn I can hear that all the way down the hall. I think everyone in this part of the library was ready to throttle her.

Today I decided to come down to the commons with my Huzz-binnd and check out the library. We had cheap yet very satisfying Chinese food for lunch (cheaper than China King back in Athens). Later on I have to help out my new friend here by letting her dogs out to play for awhile, since she has to work today from 7:30 a - 9:00 p.

Guess that's all the news that's fit to print.

Mercury in Retrograde

My husband scoffs at the notion of any astronomical event having an effect on mortal lives, but I swear... there's just too much of a shitstorm to say it's just coincidence. Here's the list:

1. O.U./OPIE forgot that I dont work for them any more and deposited a little over $1000 in my account on Aug. 1. I noticed this on the the 2nd and sent a terse email for them to fix the problem. They did.

2. SPRINT double charged me for 2 weeks in June - once last month and again this month, pushing my minutes over the Anytime allotment. I had to spend 40 minutes on the phone with customer service so they could say "we have no idea why that happened" and manually adjust my bill.

3. MBNA, the credit card bastards, for some reason didn't register the autodebit in July (made it look like a bounced check) and of course charged me a late fee. I called up and said "you guys are full of sh*t" and she apologized and took off the late fee - they withdrew the money on Aug. 5 no problem. No idea what happened on July 5. There was around $2000 in there, so I know it didn't bounce for real.

Since the autodebit expired after Aug. 5, they expect me to send another check on Aug. 22nd! Two payments in one month?? I DON'T THINK SO! When I said to the woman on the phone that I wanted to set up new autodebit with my new bank she said "Oh, you have to go online to do that." Okaaaaaaay.... so I did. And.... their website doesn't rekkonize my security information for the online account. Sooooo I tried calling the bastards back... and I'm guessing I"m not the only one experiencing on-line banking problems because for over 24 hours the on-hold message said they were "experiencing unusually high call volumes. Please call back later." FUCKERS!!

4. I want to close out my account in the Ohio bank but I can't because there's an outstanding check. That check is part of the deposit I sent in July to the apartment manager here. Apparently, she can't cash it until we sign the lease. We've been here 2 weeks and haven't seen a lease yet. She keeps apologizing and says "I'll get to it soon... I'll drop it off today." And then doesn't.

5. We turned on the A/C the other day and got a bunch of bees in our house through the vent.

6. My bank has turned down the application for overdraft loan because my income to debt ratio is too low. But I wonder... did they actually use my real income from Cornell? or did they pick up my last reported income which was some pathetic poverty-level T.A. stipend. Hmmm.

I'm sure there's more but I can't think of it.

So yeahhhhh.. Mercury in Retrograde.

*sigh* But actually, I'm doing a lot better than I was, attitudinally speaking. Looking forward to the weekend and visiting with some of our NY friends on Sunday for a spagetti dinner here. Tonight we went shopping at Wegmans... ahhhh Wegmans. We'll have to take some pictures soon and get them online.

Welp, time to get into my comfy pants and break out the hummus and cracker-ass crackers.

Here's my flying car!

I've been writing this morning; working on my sci fi that needs to get finished in the next month. Anyway, while doing some image research online, I found this article: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/3676694.stm

Today I'm in the creative mode. I'll go for a swim later and will have to get to a grocery store in the evening, after it cools down.

That's all the exciting news in my life. Things are getting back to "normal" finally. Yay, normality!

How About This Heat?

Today and tomorrow in the 90s. The pool is my friend. I've decided I need to get up earlier again and start doing morning exercises. I'm also going to start writing again today. I have a screenplay almost in the finishing stages and a new one that's been bursting to get out of my head, onto the scene.

One problem I've had to face, and I knew it would be a problem, is having cable TV after not having it for many years. It's like a gravity well. Sit in the chair, grab the clicker, turn on the TV and surf meaningless chatter. I have a magnet on the refrigerator: "TV should be a choice, not a habit." I really need to remember that!

I read that Mercury is in retrograde from July 23 - August 29th or thereabouts. That explains some things to some degree. Bizarro doesn't go in for that sort of hokum pokum, but I believe there is some connection between the mood of us puny humans and the movement of the astronomical bodies. But I could be wrong.

Time for cof-fay. For some fun insights into being unemployed/staying at home all the time, visit this guys hilarous site: www.oddtodd.com

Over The Hump?

Well I think I finally got over the transitional blues enough to feel like half a real human being. Today I did some food shopping and got a new book to read after finishing the Orson Scott Card last night. I picked up the sequal to "Cryatal Singer", "Killashandra" by Anne McCaffrey.

Hey, Mr. Club I got your message-thank you for the wonderful thoughts. I promise to call soon (after 9:00 cause I'm cheap). :D

Sunday Ramblings

Well, we've been here a full week, now: Sunday to Sunday. I can barely imagine all that actually took place in the last week. So much hard work and effort, toil and trouble. I've had a hard time "coming down" after the training. The first couple of days were unique in their emptiness and freedom. Now I find myself struggling to find something - anything - that is familiar. Even my night ritual of taking a bath or shower has been interrupted because for some inexplicable reason, our hot water heater stops working at night. No hot water after about 8 pm. We assume there's some kind of timer on the thing but we haven't seen anything that looks like it. I find myself craving Avalanche pizza, even though the local pizza house here is pretty darned good. I'm still trying to find a niche here, on a personal level. A daily routine - although that will all change in 2 weeks anyway.

Perhaps that's more the issue - I have established and re-established more daily routines in the last 2 years than I can count. Most recently, graduating and beginning work as a professional teacher of ESL. I changed my identiy and schedule from student to teacher, with a week of a break. Then 5 weeks later I change my identity and schedule again - from O.U.'s bitch to Cornell's latest paramour - with a huge move and a lightning fast schedule that came and went in 3 days.

My head is really spinning and I am feeling like I'm floating without a gyroscope. There are a million things I know I "should" be doing (T'ai Chi, meditation, writing, to name 3) but I'm finding it hard to bring about the focus and gumption to do anything but take a few dips in the pool, sit in a chair and read, feed myself, and sleep.

Although we had a really lovely visit with Momazoo yesterday, it was a tiring day driving down and back from Elmira, twice. I'm still getting used to my new kitchen and of course I screwed up a couple things around dinner yesterday - none of which had any real bad consequences, but I knew the mistakes were there and it made me feel bad.

Today's follow up was the laundry fiasco. We have these computer chip cards that we feed money to, and then have to use in the laundry "shacks" in the complex. After rousing my dead-to-reality self enough to go with Bizarro to find the closest shack and figure out where to put money on the card, I then got the laundry together, threw the card and detergent in the basket, and ventured forth. Only to find, once I'd got there, the card was missing already. So with tears of frustration and 87+ degrees of sweat already covering me, I retraced my steps and found the damned thing lying on the round where it had fallen out of the basket. Came back to the shack, only to have the stupid machines read "bad card" when I tried to use it. I came back to the apartment in tears and a total wreck. Kudos to Bizarro for being a kind, compassionate and wonderful husband! He helped me get back on the horse, so to speak, and he took care of changing the clothes over to the dryer while I went to the pool.

Why is this story significant? Because I keep feeling like I'm just on the edge of not being able to hold things together. Little things are going astray and I'm feeling not able to deal with those little things.

It is my hope that this malaise will clear up with a few more days of sleep and sun. Of course I have the monthly curse to look forward to in a few days too, which only fills me with dread at how utterly shitty I'll feel. Well we'll see.

*sigh*

Funny how I always find something to complain about. I know I should be grateful and happy, and deep down I really am. But this transition stuff is proving far more difficult than I'd imagined. I suppose time and relaxation will heal some of that. This weekend we're hoping to have some friends over, and my new friend I met at the training, Leah, will also hang out with me this week sometime. I am missing friends from Ohio, so I suppose it's good to rekindle the older friendships here and work on forging new ones. That also takes energy - and at this point I must remind myself that this is IT. I'm not moving away in another couple years. I won't have to say good-bye again. I hope.

Maxin' and Relaxin'
(Damn that's so 80s)

Today was (is) my first day of having NOTHING to do. No school work, no pro sem, no teaching, no prep work, no job search, no packing, no cleaning, no unpacking, no driving, no training. Nothing. Nada. The big fat bagel.

I asked myself this morning "So, E., what are you gonna do today?" My answer was, of course "Whatever I wanna... GOD."

In fact, I spent some time veging in front of the boob tube watching an E! special on the Olsen Twins (I didn't finish watching it, though, so I missed the part about anorexia and partying). Also saw Jimmy Fallon's last episode of SNL (hosted by the Olsen twins - E! was running a theme I guess). And I napped. Then had some launch, then I moseyed on over to the pool and took a couple dips in between reading my book (Speaker for the Dead). Came back, did some spic n spanning in the kitchen until my huzbinnd came home, then made some spaghetti for myself while he ate giant meat-wads covered in large dollups o' meat-wad gravy.

Bizarro decided it was a bit warm (which it was) so we finally flipped the circuit breaker and cranked on the Air Con. Within a few moments we had 5-7 bees in the living room. Apparently the little guys have built a home in the A/C unit. Great. I called the apartment office and of course all the maintence guys had gone home for the night. So for now we turned off and closed off the vent to the A/C and tomorrow a.m. one of the guys will come and do whatever it is that needs to be done. I feel I must say may "Om mani padme hums" for the poor bees about to get evicted from life/their home.

Bizarro would say (with that ghetto voice and cocky head movement) "Better them than me!" I feel bad, but whaddyagonnado? You cant have a swarm of yellow jackets in da house.

I think we're headed to the mall soon. There are so many more exciting places to visit than the mall, but I figured since it's closeby we'll get it out of the way first and then we'll be on to more interesting things in the coming weeks. Sounds good, right?

"Cause it's vacation time bruhthuh, vacation time bruhthuh, vacation...

Finished the 3-day OPI training and now am officially on vacation until I go to my new job on the 22nd. Phew!! Now that the training is done I can honestly say it was a very good investment of my time (and the money that I didn't have to pay!). I feel much more in tuned with how this program I'm going to teach in operates.

So, the O.U. saga continues... I checked my last withdrawal slip that I made before leaving A Town and discovered around $1500 more dollars than there should have been in my checking account. Stupid fucks never took my name out of the payroll system - they paid me for the second summer session even though I'm not teaching! I sent an email and have gotten no response. If that money's still in there a month from today I'm keeping it. Bastards.

Well I need to grab some dinner. Oh - I haven't looked at your ecard, Mr. Club, because it requires a plug-in and I don't want to mess with Bizarro's computer (you know how he is). Once I check it with him then perhaps I can view the card. But thanks!! We really miss you guys (especially tonight - it's Wednesday and there's no Casa Cantina or you guys to drink with!!) :(

Time to eat.