The Summer of 2009

Well ladies and germs, the summer is rapidly closing. Another week and 2 days and it's back in the classroom. I have a full teaching load this semester: 2 sections of intro to screenwriting at the Other School On the Hill, and one section of English 99 (developmental writing at the paragraph level) at the community college. For these gigs I am grateful. Now I'm trying to cram as much summer into the coming week and 2 days as possible. Summer weather is finally here, so swimming and patio grilling are required activities (though there are t'storms coming but whatever, as long as it's hot).

As you know, this was not the summer I'd planned. I ended up not teaching at all, and instead worked as a transcriptionist, tutor, and house keeper for the Catlic' Chorch, scrubbing the priests' terlets and washing their undies. (My sister-in-law asked whether the skid marks in a priest's undies are in the form of a crucifix. This is why I love my sister-in-law.)

So, no, not what I'd expected but the truth is that in true form, the Universe provided just what I needed. In fact our money was very tight this summer, but it forced us to be more mindful of our spending, and helped us to come together for the betterment of our household. Tracking expenses and keeping more in tune with our financial situation has been good for us both, and for our marriage.

The work I did at the rectory was actually quite easy, and since I was alone and autonomous, I had plenty of opportunity to manage my time as I saw fit, and I believe that the physical nature of the work was good for me. I tend to get stuck up here (points to head) and that's not always a good thing.

The transcription work was just fine, and it might even be useful in the future to say that I am familiar with chemical notations (who knows what kind of technical writing I might fall into at some point).

The tutoring is always fun and keeps me on the ESL map for my C.V.

Aside from my work, I had plenty of time for writing, and I was, I must say, rather prolific. I am just about finished with Sentinel, have started a new project, and most thrilling of all, I met a producer/filmmaker from L.A. who is producing a short script of mine, and who has connections that could really help me out.

I didn't get to go windsurfing, but I did spend a day at the Nor'easter Surf Shop in Scituate, Mass. and took excellent notes for my surf-related T.V. pilot. I also made a great connection for surfing lessons when I am able to give that a whirl. And the surfing season isn't over in September, so there's still a chance I could get a long weekend in and get a surfing lesson! (I'm talking surfing, not windsurfing, to be clear on that.)

Despite our financial hardship, I found a way with the help of friends to attend the Live Adventure this year (the annual live action role playing weekend I've been part of since 1991). That was a magical, wonderful, fun (if hotter than hell) weekend of beloved friends, creative imagination, camping, and music. I am so grateful!

This summer gave me ample time and opportunity to work through my grief, and I managed two trips to Massachusetts, one with Bizarro in tow, which has been extremely beneficial in my healing process. I was able to spend some QT with my beloved nephew and his family, my Big Bro, PMP, JET, Rachee and a couple other people I've known and loved for years. This recent trip was exceptionally fun with Bizarro - our day in Boston was delightful, especially hanging out with PMP who took us for fabulous cannoli in the North End. I also got to play in the waves at Nantasket, despite the drizzle. Oh how I miss the ocean!

I feel like I'm starting to finally come out of the darkness that was last winter, just before, during and after Mom's death. I am feeling more alive than ever; I can feel the possibilities of life, the energy of creation, and the wealth that is mine in so many ways. In the parlance of Live Adventure folk: Game on!

In all seriousness I have nothing to be grumpy about. Our financials are looking up with Bizarro's bonus and my paychecks being stronger than I'd anticipated. We're on a budget and it's working out well. I've been writing and getting things done.

But last night I realized was 6 months to the day (Wed. the 22nd) that Mom died. I had a hard time falling asleep anyway because it's so damned muggy and gross, but then weird shit kept happening.

Weird shit? you ask. Yeah like a pile of pots and pans that I need to bring to Salvo suddenly fell over on it's own. I kept hearing things that, with my earplugs on, I couldn't tell what they were. (I know that's a grammatically fucked up sentence but I don't care.) I got up numerous times and at one point saw a centipede crossing the room. SERIOUSLY? A centipede. EW GROSS. I had to dispatch the centipede or there was no way I was ever going to sleep. Just a really frickin' aweful night. And of course these things always happen the night before I have to get up and clean house at the rectory, so that I'm a zombie.

And that's where I'm off to now. My head feels like a trash compacter, only instead of trash it's snot. This weather is killing me.

But on the bright side, we are going to Massachusetts next month so there's something to look forward to. I hope there's some decent weather when we get there.

Oh crap time to go to work.

Abundance

Trying to see what I can learn in the muck of this summer. Not having a job I thought I had, doing odd jobs to make ends meet hand to mouth, probably having to cancel the tiny trip to Massachusetts that Bizarro and I had planned for next month (I'm still holding out hope that somehow we can swing it, but it doesn't look good).

Being aware of the bounty in my life is the thing that strikes me here. I have a tendency to see the glass half empty and continuing to drain away. I don't see the good things all around me. I only see things I don't have, or want to have, or what other people have that I feel I deserve because they're no better than me.

And that usually turns into a self-flagellating episode where I go over every "bad" decision I've ever made, and I become despondent and helpless. It's a vicious cycle of negativity that I MUST break if I'm ever going to make my life a better place to live.

I've started an "abundance list" and I keep adding to it. I carry it around in my purse so it's there for me to visit when I start the "poor me" vibes begin to escalate.

I know everyone is having a hard time; these economic times suck for everyone. But I also know that I've been in this cycle of poverty consciousness pretty much from my early 20s, no matter what the economy was doing. This is what I need to remember: let the past go and only see the bounty that is in my life at present, as I make my way into the future.

The truth of the matter is that this poverty consciousness (as I call it) isn't just unique to me. I see others in my family, including my Mother, with some of the same patterns and traits. It's up to me to break this, for my Mom as well as myself and my husband.

Cars Suck

The repair will cost $342. The fucking key and cylinder are fried.

Unfuckingbelievable. Makes me wonder if the starter really was the problem 3 months ago when I had that replaced in Boston.

Are you frakking KIDDING me?

My f'ing car broke down last night while Bizarro and I enjoyed a hot fudge brownie sundae at our local pub-n-grub. Came out about 8 p.m. and it wouldn't even pretend to turn over. Battery is fine. So it must be the starter. AGAIN. It has to be the electrical system. I just spend $260 in October on a new starter! At the crack of morning I walked in the below-freezing snow-and-ice tundra back to the car where we'd left it last night (after walking home in even more sub-freezing temps - the hot fudge did NOT keep me warm). The tow truck came around 8:45 this morning and I haven't heard a peep since (it's currently 1:25 in the afternoon).

I am seriously considering the need to buy another car. Paid this one off last summer, but between the multitudes of repairs and the need for car rentals for long trips to Cleveland or Boston, it's starting to feel like I need to bite the bullet and make monthly payments. The cost of repairs/rentals since June of '06 is averaging $100 a month anyway.

I spent the morning researching cars, dealers, APRs and budget constraints. So much for my plan for the day. Completely obliterated. I can still make out the thank you cards though; I don't need a car for that.

I am trying not to get too bent out of shape about this, but it is just one more reason why I need a serious job instead of this piecemeal adjunct crap. Just one more reason, in my mind, to get the hell out of Upstate NY where the winters are brutal and the jobs are flimsy.

And I just have to say: "LIKE I REALLY NEEDED THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW." The Universe can't even give me a full week of mourning without catapulting the next bag of moldy cow shit in my face.

I actually OWN something

As of today's check in the mail, my car is paid fuh. I own it. It belongs to me. Now that it's paid fuh, I will set about undinging the door, replacing the two missing hubcaps, and putting some new visors and mats in. It's gotta last us a long time to come, so it may as well not look like a hooptie.

Carz Suck

Last weekend when I was in Boston, I had to bring my car into a mechanic because when I got off the highway it sounded like a Harley. $213 later it was fixed. By the time I got off the highway coming home, it sounded almost as bad, but in a different area of the exhaust. So I brought it in this morning to my usual mechanic, and $340 later (in about an hour from now) it will be fixed. Throw in an oil change and winterizing, and the final bill will be around $400. That's a grand total of over $600 put into the car in the last week.

Just in time for the holiday season to strike us down. But in all honesty, the exhaust was all factory original parts, and it's a 10 year old car, so it was bound to happen. Better to have it done now than to have pieces falling off on our way to Cleveland next month. Ugh.

But this still cheers me up:



Click on it - I dare ya, esp. if you're a Yankees (or an Indians) fan!

(thanks to Mike Z. in Rockland for the spiffy grafix!)

Rant

Well, I had a feeling this was coming, and sure enough... the other shoe.

Got an email from the recruiter telling me they can't work with me on making a video promo BECAUSE THEY JUST MADE A PROMO LAST WEEK. What the hell, people? I've been talking about this with a rep from your company since FEBRUARY and you guys take the outline I gave you and made your own shitty Win-Doze video?

So now my back's against the wall. If this film is gonna get made, I'm going to put the plane ticket on the credit card and work my ass off when I get back to pay it off. I have one other possible save that I can dip into this fall, involving grant money, but that will take a while to procure. At any rate, I need to buy a fucking plane ticket to Korea now.

In a way it's a relief. I will only be there to make my film. No other bullshit work. At least all the other stuff has helped me get to this point, where I've started raising money and have everything in place to apply for grants, and I'm so close I can taste it. Hunger is good for the filmmaker's soul.

ADDENDUM: You better believe this whole story is going to make into the film!

It's Rainin' Jobs...Halleluja!

I am pretty damned psyched. I wrote a query letter to the local arts community center, proposing a class in screenwriting or documentary production. The programming director just called me and we have a meeting set up for Wednesday morning! This could do it for me - if they pay enough, I could maybe get by without driving to the Unviersity That's An Hour Away, which would suit me fine.

Also, I got an email from an international student who needs some editing done, so more free lancing for my doco coffers.

Thanks to the 'Verse!

Reality Check Part II

Phrase of the day: "Show me the money!"

Trying to figure out my monies for planning the next few months. Not an easy task with my awful spending habits.

I am putting myself on a strict budget and reassessing how I track my spending. I'm really a basket case with this stuff. Always have been. Never had good role models for this kind of thing, although mom always knew what was in the bank account to the penny. Unfortunately, when a person owes more than she makes (i.e.in credit card debt to her eyeballs), it doesn't matter if she knows the pennies in the account. That was the case with my mom, at any rate. I am not swimming in consumer debt, thankfully, but I do have Uncle Sam screwing up my bank account by taking out double payments and then saying "Ooops! Did we do that? Sowweeeeee..."

This is all a part of my recent break-down / slash-n-burn / rebuilding effort. It's much like The Tower of the tarot deck.