Happy New Year! What better way to celebrate the holidays than with the Fab Four, Tiny Tim, and ear snacks from my first Christmas on the planet:
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
On the other side...
Christmas is past, and so, it would seem, are the darkest days of Mom's ordeal. I pray it is so.
Today I visited her and she was again alert, able to get up by herself, do some walking, and veritably pain-free. Her mood has shifted, as well. I am pulling for her continual return to some normalcy, though I expect it to be a long road, and not necessarily back to exactly where she was before. We shall see.
I am 100% more relaxed than a couple weeks ago. Semester's done, Chorch job is done, and I don't feel like I have to be ultra-vigilant of Mom every minute of every day. I am putting highlights in my hair as we speak (a luxury I haven't had time for since summer). I did some random napping on the couch this afternoon. And I started my day with exercise and yoga. Wow.
It really is like coming out of a dark, seemingly endless tunnel. The ground is still rocky, but I can see where I'm going and I can get my footing a whole lot easier.
Here are the tiny slices of life that helped me through those darkest moments in the last month, in no particular order.
1. Hawaiian music
2. Lilac-scented tea lights in my salt candle
3. Watching House, M.D. (weirdly cathartic)
4. Good food made at home with the occasional Chinese take-away in the evenings
5. Hospice
6. Phone calls with JET and my Bro.
7. Green Tara
8. Tim & Leigh's holiday party
9. Preserving my energy by evening cloisters and putting limits up for other people/activities
10. My Huzzzbinnnd
11. The reservation at Splash Lagoon
12. Of course my dear friends (who I did not initially list but of course they are in my heart) PMP and SMJ! They both offered slices of sanity and love when I needed them most!
Today I visited her and she was again alert, able to get up by herself, do some walking, and veritably pain-free. Her mood has shifted, as well. I am pulling for her continual return to some normalcy, though I expect it to be a long road, and not necessarily back to exactly where she was before. We shall see.
I am 100% more relaxed than a couple weeks ago. Semester's done, Chorch job is done, and I don't feel like I have to be ultra-vigilant of Mom every minute of every day. I am putting highlights in my hair as we speak (a luxury I haven't had time for since summer). I did some random napping on the couch this afternoon. And I started my day with exercise and yoga. Wow.
It really is like coming out of a dark, seemingly endless tunnel. The ground is still rocky, but I can see where I'm going and I can get my footing a whole lot easier.
Here are the tiny slices of life that helped me through those darkest moments in the last month, in no particular order.
1. Hawaiian music
2. Lilac-scented tea lights in my salt candle
3. Watching House, M.D. (weirdly cathartic)
4. Good food made at home with the occasional Chinese take-away in the evenings
5. Hospice
6. Phone calls with JET and my Bro.
7. Green Tara
8. Tim & Leigh's holiday party
9. Preserving my energy by evening cloisters and putting limits up for other people/activities
10. My Huzzzbinnnd
11. The reservation at Splash Lagoon
12. Of course my dear friends (who I did not initially list but of course they are in my heart) PMP and SMJ! They both offered slices of sanity and love when I needed them most!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas
Mom is snoozing on the couch right now. We had a lovely dinner (ham, smashed potats, creamed corn, mushed up carrots for Mom's diet). Mom opened her prezzies and we watched some Christmas stuff on TV. Getting her here was quite a trial - getting her ready, getting her meds from the nurse, getting her in the car, getting her wheelchair, O2 compressor and walker in the car (along with Don in the backseat). And we'll have to do it all in reverse in a while (in the dark, no less).
My Christmas gift was having Mom here. She is weak, though. God she looks... not so great, actually. Very tired, with difficulty concentrating. She is as happy today as she's been in months, I think. If nothing else, this is the greatest gift we could have given her.
My Christmas gift was having Mom here. She is weak, though. God she looks... not so great, actually. Very tired, with difficulty concentrating. She is as happy today as she's been in months, I think. If nothing else, this is the greatest gift we could have given her.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tron 2.0
I am so excited there's a sequel to this awesome computer animation classic, with original cast as well as a few younger faces, including Olivia Wilde (hubba hubba!). Read all about it.
Bring on the light bikes, grid bugs and those scary Recognizers (aka "stompers")! I dare you to derezz me!
More Tron goodness here.
For years I've wanted to walk into my classroom an announce, "Greetings, Programs!" Now I'll be able to and someone might actually know what I'm talking about.
Bring on the light bikes, grid bugs and those scary Recognizers (aka "stompers")! I dare you to derezz me!
More Tron goodness here.
For years I've wanted to walk into my classroom an announce, "Greetings, Programs!" Now I'll be able to and someone might actually know what I'm talking about.
Here Comes The Sun
The Winter Solstice has just passed, it's Hanukkah, and it's Christmas Eve. All festivals of the coming of the Light!
Here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright.
Mom seems to be doing a bit better, day by day, at least as far as her physical stamina. We're working on her emotional well-being now. Hospice volunteers are coming in to help out with this - a harpist came yesterday and will gladly come as often as Mom would like, and a massage therapist will come in on Tuesday nights for an hour. The truth is Mom deserved this kind of pampering years ago, but she would never allow herself.
She and I had another frank discussion about the future, the uncertainty of it, and her eventual death (which could come in a month or 5 years for all we know). I think it is very helpful to talk about this stuff while we're both calm (as opposed to when she's back from dialysis, feeling like crap and in pain, which is what happened the other night over the phone when she was upset that it would be her last Christmas). Of course, we have to give light to those emotions too, but it's helpful to share our thoughts together rather than feeling sorry for ourselves.
Bizarro and I are going for our little trip to Splash Lagoon and then to the Bizarro Clan in Cleveland next week. Just a Mon - Fri trip. I've stacked visitors for Mom, since I won't be seeing her for a few days. She's very supportive of our trip, for which I am thankful. Thank God I don't have one of those mothers who throw guilt trips around and play the poor victim that her only daughter has to rescue!
Turned in my grades last night, so now I have to get some things done for Mom and clean house, and then I want to start prepping for next semester's classes. And of course, I have a writing schedule to keep up! There are a couple competition deadlines coming up soon that I want to meet.
Soon I will post my annual year in review/year in preview for '08/'09.
Happy Holidays, everyone!
(photo from http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e6/Myrtle_Beach_Sunrise1.jpg)
Friday, December 19, 2008
Mom continues to do much better taking Tylenol, and now that she's feeling a bit better, she's starting to go to some of the events at the nursing home. I spoke with the recreation coordinator and hopefully they'll make sure Mom knows when things are happening so she can participate if she wants to. Meanwhile, the hospice support is wonderful. The aide will make sure Mom gets to ambulate every day, and she is now walking to the bathroom (with an aide, since she's still not completely stable on her feet). Hopefully we have resolved the issue of them sending her out to dialysis with not enough O2 in the tank. She's back to 4 liters instead of the 6-7 they had her own for awhile. Her O2 sats still seem to fluctuate, seemingly at random, but most of the time they are in the mid-90s, which is very good.
Ah, but she mentioned something about her blood pressure being low, so I want to check into that as well. There's always something for me to investigate because the communication is rotten. Such as, for instance, the fact that they postponed her dialysis until tomorrow because of today's snowstorm. No one had told either of us that fact; I found out this morning by accident when I happened to be on the phone with the unit clerk.
We've rearranged her area to be roomier and more conducive to her safety. I want to pick up a cheap reading lamp at Big Lots for her, since the lighting in there is dreadfully dim. I've also arranged with the unit clerk for her to be seen by an eye doctor and a podiatrist, and they will make an appointment with an audiologist so that hopefully she can get a new hearing aid.
We are planning on her being here for Christmas day, and I'm hoping to get her to church at the 10:30 Mass, which will make both of us very happy. I've got a menu planned for her dietary needs. Yay!
I'm finally feeling like I can maybe relax ever so slightly, and maybe even enjoy a little holiday spirit. I'm afraid to become too gleeful or hopeful, though. My emotions are still very guarded in all of this. Mainly because I'm afraid if she has a downturn, it will send me plummeting into the depths of depression, which I have only barely staved off as it is this last month. Still, with the blessing of the Universe, the worst is behind her.
I am going to look into a power chair for her, which would enable her to return to Longview, I hope. We'll see...
I am more than half way through grading. The huge snowstorm that has set upon it will keep me home with my students' portfolios so that I can be done by end of today.
Tonight I plan to watch a surfing documentary that Bizarro found at the liberry. And then, it will be vacation time bruthuh!
Ah, but she mentioned something about her blood pressure being low, so I want to check into that as well. There's always something for me to investigate because the communication is rotten. Such as, for instance, the fact that they postponed her dialysis until tomorrow because of today's snowstorm. No one had told either of us that fact; I found out this morning by accident when I happened to be on the phone with the unit clerk.
We've rearranged her area to be roomier and more conducive to her safety. I want to pick up a cheap reading lamp at Big Lots for her, since the lighting in there is dreadfully dim. I've also arranged with the unit clerk for her to be seen by an eye doctor and a podiatrist, and they will make an appointment with an audiologist so that hopefully she can get a new hearing aid.
We are planning on her being here for Christmas day, and I'm hoping to get her to church at the 10:30 Mass, which will make both of us very happy. I've got a menu planned for her dietary needs. Yay!
I'm finally feeling like I can maybe relax ever so slightly, and maybe even enjoy a little holiday spirit. I'm afraid to become too gleeful or hopeful, though. My emotions are still very guarded in all of this. Mainly because I'm afraid if she has a downturn, it will send me plummeting into the depths of depression, which I have only barely staved off as it is this last month. Still, with the blessing of the Universe, the worst is behind her.
I am going to look into a power chair for her, which would enable her to return to Longview, I hope. We'll see...
I am more than half way through grading. The huge snowstorm that has set upon it will keep me home with my students' portfolios so that I can be done by end of today.
Tonight I plan to watch a surfing documentary that Bizarro found at the liberry. And then, it will be vacation time bruthuh!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Woot!
I just woke up, read my email and there from Tim was a message pointing to a place called Woot with his insistence, "you want one; it'll never be cheaper! GO GO GO!" Not buy a Woot, buy a Flip for $60! I went to Woot, saw, and couldn't resist. So it's Christmas for the Bizarros Part II (part I was new cell phones back in October when my old one died). The Flip is on its way. You have to check out these guys at Woot - cool stuff for cheap, and they're a bit silly, which is always refreshing: Woot!.
What's a Flip? It's a video recorder, small, portable, and perfect for vacation, spying, or on-the-run pick up shots. Wish I'd had that in Korea for the shoot a couple summers ago. The Flip.
And now on to grading...
What's a Flip? It's a video recorder, small, portable, and perfect for vacation, spying, or on-the-run pick up shots. Wish I'd had that in Korea for the shoot a couple summers ago. The Flip.
And now on to grading...
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Finally after a long haul, it seems some good news is in order. Today was a raucus day of meetings with the nursing home staff, hospice doctor, social worker, and Mom's nurse, as well as meeting the hospice LPN who will visit Mom every day for an hour (starting this morning), and finally the psychologist met with Mom as well. After yet another round of med changes, Mom is feeling fairly pain-free this evening. On what, you ask? Tylenol. No fucking opiates or dangerous drugs that aren't even fully understood. Good old fashioned aceteminophen. Plus a heat pack and massage. Mom even tried going to a social function tonight - though by the time the dumbasses brought her downstairs for it, it was almost over. So tomorrow I will call the recreation director and let her know this happened - so maybe they'll make an effort to help get Mom to more functions. I think her spirits are lifting as she is getting the TLC she needs, and the pain is abating. The most special event of the day was an unexpected visit from my cousin, who just found out from her mom that her Aunt Elsie was in the nursing home. All in all, not a bad day.
Now, I just need to get my frakking grading done!
Now, I just need to get my frakking grading done!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Mom continues to make small steps in the right direction now that the Tramadol is out of her system. Yesterday she was doing things she couldn't do the day before. She cannot walk right now, but with some informal rehab and sheer force of will, I am hoping before long she'll regain what she's lost in that dreadful place.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Mom is already doing better off the Tramadol, though her concentration and cognition aren't where they were a couple weeks ago. I am hoping that it's the Tramadol working its way out of her system. I hope it's not permanent damage either from the drug or from lack of O2 from when she was pulling her O2 mask off while doped up.
Yesterday I called hospice and Mom was approved, so I met with the social worker today and I am already feeling some relief because Mom will have more personal care, and I will feel more at ease with the care she's receiving with extra support. Mom and I also agreed that I will meet her at the nursing home when she is brought back from dialysis M-W-F because they just leave her sitting in her wheelchair when she gets back and no one gets her settled or makes sure she eats the snack she's supposed to have. Really she's supposed to eat at dialysis, but she's usually zonked out on the machine. Anyway, those nights have been very troubling for her, so my presence will make things better.
She told me today she's having terrible nightmares, no doubt partly due to her actual situation, but also because of the mind-altering drugs they were pouring into her for a week and a half. It may take some time to get all that shit out of her system.
Overall she's doing well with the Extra Strength Tylenol (duh, people, I don't get why that wasn't tried before opiates, you stupid fucks) and is eating again. Today we had a good morning - I washed her hair and then we went tooling around on the first floor, saw the little art gallery and the giant fish tank in their huge activity room. After lunch we played some Boggle, which was tougher for Mom than it used to be, but she still managed to play. She went for a nap and I left around 3:00.
My massage therapist is meeting me in the morning and she's going to do some work on Mom for barter from me. I think I'll be editing something for her, or some such. Mom will enjoy it!
Tomorrow's the last day of class. I'm annoyed at the students asking for extensions on their final portfolios - like the due date wasn't in the syllabus from day 1. Oh well. I hope I have the energy to grade all those scripts.
Pooped. Now to the bed.
Yesterday I called hospice and Mom was approved, so I met with the social worker today and I am already feeling some relief because Mom will have more personal care, and I will feel more at ease with the care she's receiving with extra support. Mom and I also agreed that I will meet her at the nursing home when she is brought back from dialysis M-W-F because they just leave her sitting in her wheelchair when she gets back and no one gets her settled or makes sure she eats the snack she's supposed to have. Really she's supposed to eat at dialysis, but she's usually zonked out on the machine. Anyway, those nights have been very troubling for her, so my presence will make things better.
She told me today she's having terrible nightmares, no doubt partly due to her actual situation, but also because of the mind-altering drugs they were pouring into her for a week and a half. It may take some time to get all that shit out of her system.
Overall she's doing well with the Extra Strength Tylenol (duh, people, I don't get why that wasn't tried before opiates, you stupid fucks) and is eating again. Today we had a good morning - I washed her hair and then we went tooling around on the first floor, saw the little art gallery and the giant fish tank in their huge activity room. After lunch we played some Boggle, which was tougher for Mom than it used to be, but she still managed to play. She went for a nap and I left around 3:00.
My massage therapist is meeting me in the morning and she's going to do some work on Mom for barter from me. I think I'll be editing something for her, or some such. Mom will enjoy it!
Tomorrow's the last day of class. I'm annoyed at the students asking for extensions on their final portfolios - like the due date wasn't in the syllabus from day 1. Oh well. I hope I have the energy to grade all those scripts.
Pooped. Now to the bed.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Lawsuit Waiting to Happen
Turns out the pain drug that has been making mom hallucinate and go in and out of reality, Ultram (Tramadol) has severe interactions with anti depressants - Mom is on the generic version of Lexapro.
"GENERALLY AVOID: The coadministration of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) with tramadol, which has weak serotonin reuptake inhibiting effect, may potentiate the risk of serotonin syndrome, which is a rare but serious and potentially fatal condition thought to result from hyperstimulation of brainstem 5HT1A receptors. Patients receiving this combination may also have an increased risk of seizures. (there's more but it gets technical)...
MANAGEMENT: In general, the concomitant use of SSRIs and tramadol should be avoided if possible, or otherwise approached with caution if potential benefit is deemed to outweigh the risk. Patients treated with the combination should be closely monitored for signs and symptoms of excessive serotonergic activity such as CNS irritability, altered consciousness, confusion, myoclonus, ataxia, abdominal cramping, hyperpyrexia, shivering, pupillary dilation, diaphoresis, hypertension, and tachycardia." (My emphasis on symptoms she has displayed.)
http://www.healthline.com/druginteractions?addItem=traMADOL
This information is found other places, including the PDR Nurse's Drug Handbook, which is what is allegedly used at this shit hole nursing home.
I have alerted the night nurse to this and she is leaving a note for the nurse practitioner. I have stated I want the Tramadol d/c'd, not the antidepressant, with Extra Strength Tylenol for her arthritis pain. I will follow up in the morning before Mom is due for the next dose at 8:30.
This morning when I got there around 9:00, she was pretty lucid and able to converse with me, but within an hour after the drug took affect, she was back to seeing people not there, waving her arms in the air with her eyes half closed, and barely able to speak English as opposed to gibberish.
Utterly fucking horrifying. Get ready kids, cause this is probably what's in store for us when it's our turn, unless the system changes.
On a separate, Mom-related note, I called hospice today. I don't know if she will qualify, but I do know that if we can get the extra support, it would be very helpful. With a little extra TLC, and a different plan to manage her pain, she may even bounce back a little. She did eat today, and seems to want to get better, so this is at least something to be grateful for - she hasn't given up.
And now I'm going to try to go to bed after an exhausting, frustrating day.
"GENERALLY AVOID: The coadministration of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) with tramadol, which has weak serotonin reuptake inhibiting effect, may potentiate the risk of serotonin syndrome, which is a rare but serious and potentially fatal condition thought to result from hyperstimulation of brainstem 5HT1A receptors. Patients receiving this combination may also have an increased risk of seizures. (there's more but it gets technical)...
MANAGEMENT: In general, the concomitant use of SSRIs and tramadol should be avoided if possible, or otherwise approached with caution if potential benefit is deemed to outweigh the risk. Patients treated with the combination should be closely monitored for signs and symptoms of excessive serotonergic activity such as CNS irritability, altered consciousness, confusion, myoclonus, ataxia, abdominal cramping, hyperpyrexia, shivering, pupillary dilation, diaphoresis, hypertension, and tachycardia." (My emphasis on symptoms she has displayed.)
http://www.healthline.com/druginteractions?addItem=traMADOL
This information is found other places, including the PDR Nurse's Drug Handbook, which is what is allegedly used at this shit hole nursing home.
I have alerted the night nurse to this and she is leaving a note for the nurse practitioner. I have stated I want the Tramadol d/c'd, not the antidepressant, with Extra Strength Tylenol for her arthritis pain. I will follow up in the morning before Mom is due for the next dose at 8:30.
This morning when I got there around 9:00, she was pretty lucid and able to converse with me, but within an hour after the drug took affect, she was back to seeing people not there, waving her arms in the air with her eyes half closed, and barely able to speak English as opposed to gibberish.
Utterly fucking horrifying. Get ready kids, cause this is probably what's in store for us when it's our turn, unless the system changes.
On a separate, Mom-related note, I called hospice today. I don't know if she will qualify, but I do know that if we can get the extra support, it would be very helpful. With a little extra TLC, and a different plan to manage her pain, she may even bounce back a little. She did eat today, and seems to want to get better, so this is at least something to be grateful for - she hasn't given up.
And now I'm going to try to go to bed after an exhausting, frustrating day.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
The Latest Words & Ear Snacks
Words:
Big Wave: Stories of Riding the World's Wildest Water Ed. Clint Willis
Yoga Masters by M. Forstater and J. Manuel
Three Cups of Tea by G. Mortenson and D.O. Relin
Ear Snacks:
- Anything by anyone from Daptone Records www.daptonerecords.com
- Na Palapalai (Ke 'Ala Beauty)
Big Wave: Stories of Riding the World's Wildest Water Ed. Clint Willis
Yoga Masters by M. Forstater and J. Manuel
Three Cups of Tea by G. Mortenson and D.O. Relin
Ear Snacks:
- Anything by anyone from Daptone Records www.daptonerecords.com
- Na Palapalai (Ke 'Ala Beauty)
Welcome Erin Dorothy!
I heard from my Bro yesterday that Erin was born Friday night. 8 lbs 8 oz, and 21" long, I believe. And I heard from my Sis-in-Law, M.J., that Erin is definitely from my side of the family - long dark hair, olive skin, and is apparently the spitting image of her dad and granddad from when they were both babies. I look forward to meeting her next year. I wonder how Owen will take to his baby sister. Owen is blond and blue-eyed, and his sister has dark hair and brown eyes - kind of like Luke and Leia.
Welcome Erin! We love you! Congrats Cam and Beck!
Welcome Erin! We love you! Congrats Cam and Beck!
Finishing my coffee.
I am indeed, drinking my morning coffee, but the title is a line from "The Big Lebowski," in the scene where Walter (John Goodman) yells at the waitress the fact that his buddies died in the muck (in 'Nam) so that everyone in the family diner could enjoy their coffee (it's always about the first amendment with Walter). The Dude gets disgusted and leaves Walter alone in the diner, at which point Walter says to the air, "I'm staying. Finishing my coffee."
This is my attitude about life and all of its trials right at the moment. I'm not going anywhere. I didn't come this far to let a stinking pile of poo stop me. If coffee is the metaphor for living a fulfilling life, than I am finishing my coffee. Or at least, I am trying like hell.
I have resigned myself that Mom will probably be in a nursing home for the rest of her life on earth. Things are not good. I am bullshit that coming to the pit of a rehab program seems to have made things worse for her, not better, but I'm not sure what to do about it other than ride their asses as I have been to make sure things are done. It has helped, I must say, since she has been getting slightly better care. However, I will not be letting her stay there indefinitely. I have requested an application from a better nursing home (they have more staff, to begin with, and a much better reputation in the community), and spoke with the admissions person there who was very informative and helpful. The folks at the assisted living place had good things to say about that particular nursing home, which they have had to interact with for placing residents. I just hope that a spot will open up and we can get her there sooner than later.
She is very depressed and I don't blame her. I'm trying to help her in any way I can. Yesterday I brought over a tiny little christmas tree and decorated with some ornaments from home that she is familiar with, as well as some tiny blue ones. She got a lovely poinsettia from the church where I work (as a part of their christmas charity work), so she has some cheer in her room, along with all her photos I brought in for her.
I am still aghast at the fact that barely a month ago, she was able to walk without pain, and now she is in excruciating pain whenever she moves. All I can figure is that sitting on her ass all day at the nursing home ("rehab") made things go from bad to worse. What can I do about that? I don't know. I want to complain but I have to figure out who to complain to, and will it do any good? What's done is done and at this point I'm just trying to focus on getting her the hell out of there ASAP.
That nursing home is having major problems. There were picketers outside yesterday, handing out flyers about the management company that owns the place. They are dangerously understaffed because the staff is underpaid - no raise in 4 years. This is part of the problem, to be sure. The other part of the problem is the attitude our culture has toward old people. Just keep them sedated and quiet and put them to bed early so we don't have to deal with them.
Okay, well that's enough of a rant for now. I am full of rants these days. But my husband pointed out to me last night that I am, in fact, obsessing on her situation, and this is creating a very unhealthy atmosphere in my head and in my home. I am quite unable to do anything else because it's all I can think of. I have to try to find a way to make some space for the rest of my life in all of this, and not feel guilty for doing so.
This is my attitude about life and all of its trials right at the moment. I'm not going anywhere. I didn't come this far to let a stinking pile of poo stop me. If coffee is the metaphor for living a fulfilling life, than I am finishing my coffee. Or at least, I am trying like hell.
I have resigned myself that Mom will probably be in a nursing home for the rest of her life on earth. Things are not good. I am bullshit that coming to the pit of a rehab program seems to have made things worse for her, not better, but I'm not sure what to do about it other than ride their asses as I have been to make sure things are done. It has helped, I must say, since she has been getting slightly better care. However, I will not be letting her stay there indefinitely. I have requested an application from a better nursing home (they have more staff, to begin with, and a much better reputation in the community), and spoke with the admissions person there who was very informative and helpful. The folks at the assisted living place had good things to say about that particular nursing home, which they have had to interact with for placing residents. I just hope that a spot will open up and we can get her there sooner than later.
She is very depressed and I don't blame her. I'm trying to help her in any way I can. Yesterday I brought over a tiny little christmas tree and decorated with some ornaments from home that she is familiar with, as well as some tiny blue ones. She got a lovely poinsettia from the church where I work (as a part of their christmas charity work), so she has some cheer in her room, along with all her photos I brought in for her.
I am still aghast at the fact that barely a month ago, she was able to walk without pain, and now she is in excruciating pain whenever she moves. All I can figure is that sitting on her ass all day at the nursing home ("rehab") made things go from bad to worse. What can I do about that? I don't know. I want to complain but I have to figure out who to complain to, and will it do any good? What's done is done and at this point I'm just trying to focus on getting her the hell out of there ASAP.
That nursing home is having major problems. There were picketers outside yesterday, handing out flyers about the management company that owns the place. They are dangerously understaffed because the staff is underpaid - no raise in 4 years. This is part of the problem, to be sure. The other part of the problem is the attitude our culture has toward old people. Just keep them sedated and quiet and put them to bed early so we don't have to deal with them.
Okay, well that's enough of a rant for now. I am full of rants these days. But my husband pointed out to me last night that I am, in fact, obsessing on her situation, and this is creating a very unhealthy atmosphere in my head and in my home. I am quite unable to do anything else because it's all I can think of. I have to try to find a way to make some space for the rest of my life in all of this, and not feel guilty for doing so.
Friday, December 05, 2008
New Approach
I called the doctor yesterday and he's switched Mom's pain med to something called tramadol. It works differently than a narcotic, so she shouldn't be so stoned and it's supposed to more effective on the pain. When I saw her yesterday she was really stoned because the vicadin was still in her system as well as the tramadol, but when I talked to her last night she was more clear headed and said she wasn't in pain. I am hopeful that this will break the pain cycle so that she can be up and walking a bit more. There's an MRI scheduled for Tuesday, which should provide more information on WHY the hip pain has flared up so suddenly.
I was able to relax a little last night, knowing Mom wasn't in pain and wasn't feeling rotten from the pain med side effect. When I got there yesterday afternoon, she was ready to give up, and talked about not wanting to be alive and that she didn't care about anything. That was the drugs talking, I'm sure of it. I know she's depressed and I asked the social worker to set up a psych consult. The social worker also promised to get moving on finding a O2 bag so that when Mom is feeling like it she can walk with her walker. And she also mentioned about getting a heating pad that might help Mom's hip.
I talked to the "good" nursing home in town and their admissions person was very nice on the phone. She's sending me an application so that I can fill it out and get things rolling. At this juncture I can't imagine Mom going back to Longview, sad as I am to admit that. She will only have to stay at the present nursing home until I can get her into a better one.
I gotta get ready for my day. I am feeling sick again - this has been on and off for 4 weeks, now. I felt fine for a couple days, now I'll feel sick for the weekend (natch).
Still waiting for Baby Erin. Her Grandma told me last night that everything is fine, and that my niece is just waiting for contractions to kick in.
I was able to relax a little last night, knowing Mom wasn't in pain and wasn't feeling rotten from the pain med side effect. When I got there yesterday afternoon, she was ready to give up, and talked about not wanting to be alive and that she didn't care about anything. That was the drugs talking, I'm sure of it. I know she's depressed and I asked the social worker to set up a psych consult. The social worker also promised to get moving on finding a O2 bag so that when Mom is feeling like it she can walk with her walker. And she also mentioned about getting a heating pad that might help Mom's hip.
I talked to the "good" nursing home in town and their admissions person was very nice on the phone. She's sending me an application so that I can fill it out and get things rolling. At this juncture I can't imagine Mom going back to Longview, sad as I am to admit that. She will only have to stay at the present nursing home until I can get her into a better one.
I gotta get ready for my day. I am feeling sick again - this has been on and off for 4 weeks, now. I felt fine for a couple days, now I'll feel sick for the weekend (natch).
Still waiting for Baby Erin. Her Grandma told me last night that everything is fine, and that my niece is just waiting for contractions to kick in.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Where's Erin?
My grandniece is supposed to be making a grand entrance this week... I'm hoping all is well since I haven't heard anything and I don't want to intrude. So I'm waiting to hear. Gawd only knows this family needs some good news.
Jane, get me off this crazy thing!
It does feel like I'm on a treadmill, or a super space-treadmill from the Jetson's.
I was feeling optimistic about Mom's situation after the care plan meeting, then before I knew it I was on the phone complaining to the Director of Nursing that Mom was refused her pain med (after our so-called discussion about getting her pain under control). And yesterday no one came to do massage for Mom, which is the one therapy that does seem to help with the pain (again, after the meeting in which we discussed the importance of pain management and using massage as a way to get there). Yesterday she was still in bed at 1:30 in the afternoon because she was in so much pain. She's also stoned from the vicadin (which is really 500 mgs of tylenol and a vicadin 5 mg punch) but it's not really kicking the pain. I demanded a palliative care consult at the meeting, and that doctor came in yesterday and really had nothing different to offer. Because Mom is a dialysis and Lupus patient, she can't get ibuprohpen, which is processed through the kidneys. So all they can do is throw viacadin at her. Meantime she's not walking, and the more she lays or sits around, the worse she'll be. This is a fucking nightmare.
I don't see how she can go back to assisted living in less than a week. I don't see how it will be possible if she's in so much UNMANAGED pain that she can't get out of bed. I am looking into what is supposed to be a better nursing home in town. I'm scared. I'm scared that if they can't/won't take her, there will no place for her to go. I have a couple resource people on my list to call today and see if there is something else that can be done.
I am trying my best to take care of myself and keep something of a center in the midst of what I call my walking nightmare. It's hard to maintain that when I talk to her on the phone every night and every night it's the same thing: she's crying, she's in pain, she's depressed and frustrated and angry that she's in this position. She needs psychological services too, for the depression, which of course the nursing home doesn't provide. I get in to see her every day but that's not enough to keep her spirits up and motivated.
I'm just appalled at the downward turn she's taken since entering the nursing home. I am outraged. But I feel powerless and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm just lashing out in anger because she's my Mom, or if I really need to raise a stink about her condition. I am so frustrated and angry, and hurt, and my heart aches for what she's going through.
And yet somehow I have to give a damn about the chorch job (I don't - I reduced my hours for these last 2 weeks to half days because I have too many phone calls and things to do to manage Mom's situation). Yesterday my students saw my dark side. Two of them started whining about the due date for their final portfolios - a due date that has been in place on the syllabus from the beginning of the semester - and I nearly took their heads off. I was so fucking pissed. I wanted to say to them, "When you're Mom is dying in a nursing home and you're the only one on duty to help her 24-7, then you can complain to me about how hard life is, you fucking little brat." Needless to say, I didn't. I did say that I didn't want to hear any whining about a deadline that's been in place from the beginning, and they have to deal with it because it's college life and as writers they need how to uphold deadlines. But I wasn't nice about it. They knew I was pissed.
I have a counseling appointment this morning, which I need to help hold my sanity together at this point. I'm on the edge all the time, and I feel like I am living in a separate reality than the rest of the world.
Well speaking of whining, I think I've done enough for now.
I was feeling optimistic about Mom's situation after the care plan meeting, then before I knew it I was on the phone complaining to the Director of Nursing that Mom was refused her pain med (after our so-called discussion about getting her pain under control). And yesterday no one came to do massage for Mom, which is the one therapy that does seem to help with the pain (again, after the meeting in which we discussed the importance of pain management and using massage as a way to get there). Yesterday she was still in bed at 1:30 in the afternoon because she was in so much pain. She's also stoned from the vicadin (which is really 500 mgs of tylenol and a vicadin 5 mg punch) but it's not really kicking the pain. I demanded a palliative care consult at the meeting, and that doctor came in yesterday and really had nothing different to offer. Because Mom is a dialysis and Lupus patient, she can't get ibuprohpen, which is processed through the kidneys. So all they can do is throw viacadin at her. Meantime she's not walking, and the more she lays or sits around, the worse she'll be. This is a fucking nightmare.
I don't see how she can go back to assisted living in less than a week. I don't see how it will be possible if she's in so much UNMANAGED pain that she can't get out of bed. I am looking into what is supposed to be a better nursing home in town. I'm scared. I'm scared that if they can't/won't take her, there will no place for her to go. I have a couple resource people on my list to call today and see if there is something else that can be done.
I am trying my best to take care of myself and keep something of a center in the midst of what I call my walking nightmare. It's hard to maintain that when I talk to her on the phone every night and every night it's the same thing: she's crying, she's in pain, she's depressed and frustrated and angry that she's in this position. She needs psychological services too, for the depression, which of course the nursing home doesn't provide. I get in to see her every day but that's not enough to keep her spirits up and motivated.
I'm just appalled at the downward turn she's taken since entering the nursing home. I am outraged. But I feel powerless and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm just lashing out in anger because she's my Mom, or if I really need to raise a stink about her condition. I am so frustrated and angry, and hurt, and my heart aches for what she's going through.
And yet somehow I have to give a damn about the chorch job (I don't - I reduced my hours for these last 2 weeks to half days because I have too many phone calls and things to do to manage Mom's situation). Yesterday my students saw my dark side. Two of them started whining about the due date for their final portfolios - a due date that has been in place on the syllabus from the beginning of the semester - and I nearly took their heads off. I was so fucking pissed. I wanted to say to them, "When you're Mom is dying in a nursing home and you're the only one on duty to help her 24-7, then you can complain to me about how hard life is, you fucking little brat." Needless to say, I didn't. I did say that I didn't want to hear any whining about a deadline that's been in place from the beginning, and they have to deal with it because it's college life and as writers they need how to uphold deadlines. But I wasn't nice about it. They knew I was pissed.
I have a counseling appointment this morning, which I need to help hold my sanity together at this point. I'm on the edge all the time, and I feel like I am living in a separate reality than the rest of the world.
Well speaking of whining, I think I've done enough for now.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Life after...
Today was the care planning meeting for Mom. Things aren't as bad as I'd feared. It would appear her pain might be sciatica, which she used to have years ago. Probably sitting on her ass for days provoked it. Anyway, she is responding to massage therapy and they've got a new pain med regimen for her. They expect her to stay there another week, with continuing massage therapy while the dietician works with the dialysis unit to take care of her anemia and get the low albumin levels up.
I went grocery shopping tonight. Funny how something so common can be so relaxing when the entirety of one's life is a maelstrom.
Only two more weeks of class left. Two weeks of the chorch job. Then... grading. Then it'll be time to rest.
My car's not fixed yet. Another day with the rented car, whose plate number starts with "EFL" by the way. Thought that was pretty cool.
I've decided I need to spend some time in San Diego. There's surf, and there are tikis.
Drinking an Odwalla Blueberry B smoothie, and will pop in a Kashi Mediterranean pizza when the oven's hot. Will do some Yoga tonight. I know I need to take better care of myself.
I've decided that for my 41st birthday next year, I am having a Luau. Full on.
I went grocery shopping tonight. Funny how something so common can be so relaxing when the entirety of one's life is a maelstrom.
Only two more weeks of class left. Two weeks of the chorch job. Then... grading. Then it'll be time to rest.
My car's not fixed yet. Another day with the rented car, whose plate number starts with "EFL" by the way. Thought that was pretty cool.
I've decided I need to spend some time in San Diego. There's surf, and there are tikis.
Drinking an Odwalla Blueberry B smoothie, and will pop in a Kashi Mediterranean pizza when the oven's hot. Will do some Yoga tonight. I know I need to take better care of myself.
I've decided that for my 41st birthday next year, I am having a Luau. Full on.
Monday, December 01, 2008
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