Doncha worry none!

Looking back on the last few posts, I realize that things may seem to be awfully poopy. Truth is, I'm feeling great. I'm making new waves and looking for new opportunities. I feel like I'm finally ready to make the big leap into...something. Not sure what, yet. Something new is out there for me. A writing career, a new place to live, a new location. The ocean. It's almost time. Meanwhile, I am shaking the last of the crud from my mootsies. I guess that's what the recent posts have been all about.

I have come of age

I've been officially blocked from someone's blog! I guess this means I've made it in the Cyber Information Technology Age of the 21st Century. Now, I know what you're thinking: Ms. Bizarro, what did you do to deserve that? Did you cuss someone out in your comments? Did you stalk them and send lasciviously threatening emails? Did you feed their cats poisoned onions? I almost wish I had done any of those things, because then I'd get why I've been blacklisted from this person's life. Close as I can figure, I've been excommunicated because I forgot a birthday (yes, really). Nevermind this person didn't bother to make it to my mother's funeral (yes, really). But the truth is, at this point, I don't need the rotting pork stinking up the kitchen just when things are getting good. And hey, it's one less label (okay, two less labels) for me to have to worry about blogging.

because I like me a motif

New Semester, New Attitude

The semester is officially underway, and I am officially "in the world but not of it." IOW, I'm not sweating the stupid shit. My sights are on the future, making plans, trying on new ideas for a new way of life. That's right bitches. A. New. Way. Of. Life. That is to say: your shit is your shit, not my shit. Your problems are not my problems unless I agreed to make them my problems in the first place. Nobody owns me. This pretty much sums it up:



(Okay, I'm aware that that isn't a very Buddhist outlook. It's a bit overly-dramatic, but you get the idea.)

There'll be no more of THIS SHIT:


"Neener-neener-neener! My balls are made of iron!"

Simplify, simplify

My new life mantra = simplify. From blog headings to weekly menus to organization systems to my morning routine. This is how it's gonna be from now on. See what living in another country can do for you? In Korea, my existence was very simplified; my living environment was simple, my routine was simple (but never boring). My mind was able to focus and I was able to do everything I needed and wanted. I also felt more at ease with things in general. There was no inner strife and conflict with "I want to do this, but I hafta do that; I need to do that, but I wanna do this." I just did what the moment called for and didn't get stressed over it. Because why stress over things? Nothing's accomplished that way. Heck, even when my travel plans were in the balance and I needed help, I only panicked for a little while - then realized there was no point in hanging on to that feeling. I asked for help, and I got it. Nothing to worry about, really. And that's all about keeping it simple, and trusting the 'Verse.

So...how long can I maintain this outlook on my life? Hopefully it'll be a running theme that will continue to manifest, rather than get buried in the pressure of work and external obligations. Those are the most important times to remember this mantra, in fact. So do me a favor and remind me of this post when in two months I get whiny...

Had a couple days that were very much OFF the mark. But I'm feeling a little less bother-ed. I am back to the gym tomorrow. Also meeting up with my former Korean tutor for dinner; I wish I could afford to get more lessons but oh well.

My latest script is starting to take form. Working on the outline and character descriptions now. Writing and reading my students' work are the only things keeping me sane right now, if truth be told. I am looking forward to my writing group's meeting on Monday. I think that will do a lot to help me feel more like a person with a plan and a goal, rather than a slug with a trail of slime behind me.

Reality Bites

So now we're well into 2009, and the peachy haze of the holidays and celebration and family and indoor water parks is starting to fade as we enter the first work week of the new year. I have a shitload of phone calls to make tomorrow, mainly on Mom's behalf. I need to set up an appointment to see the other nursing home/rehab center, and I also need to talk to the hospice nurse to try to get some kind of assessment. The big question is: is it an unreasonable expectation for Mom to try to get back to assisted living? Or is that just a pipe dream and we should start getting her ready to move to this other nursing facility (if in fact it is suitable)?

The other main focus of the next few days is getting ourselves back on budget after the last 2 weeks of frivolity. I will have student loan payments starting up again the middle of this year and I hope to gawd I have some way of paying those fckrz. I owe well let's just say I owe a lot, thanks to my MFA. But hey - at least I'm using that MFA to teach screenwriting! What I need is a full-time teaching gig, really. I am hoping that my part-time gig at the community college will blossom into something more permanent. There is no reason to believe that it can't - the program has grown exponentially, and they have plans to expand it in the coming years. Me being on the ground floor of that expansion is a very good thing, indeed.

Anyway, back to our budget - I have to very carefully think about where and how I want to spend and save my cash monies. I want to invest in my health and mental well-being, and stop wasting money on stupid shit like books and clothes I don't need (that's what the library and trendy 2nd-hand clothing stores are for). Also, I will stop buying pre-packaged cookie dough at nearly $4 a pop. Not to mention the deleterious effect it has on my waistline.

Another thing I have to do - or rather stop doing - is not snacking in the evenings. Oh. My. God. I do well all day long but when the sun sets and I'm on the couch reading or watching the boob toob, I just CRAVE JUNK. I have to figure something out. Herbal tea instead of cookies. EFT instead of caving.

Okay, so now I have some more refined intentions for 2009:

For mind/body: Yoga, swimming, meditation, eating yogurt instead of crap, drinking organic coffee.

For career: Invest more in my teaching and make daily dedicated time for writing.

For marriage: Set time aside for just us two, and find ways to have FUN together (not just sitting in front of the TV).

For Mom: Attend to her and her situation with love and compassion, even when dealing with sanctimonious nurses and addle-brained aides.

On the other side...

Christmas is past, and so, it would seem, are the darkest days of Mom's ordeal. I pray it is so.

Today I visited her and she was again alert, able to get up by herself, do some walking, and veritably pain-free. Her mood has shifted, as well. I am pulling for her continual return to some normalcy, though I expect it to be a long road, and not necessarily back to exactly where she was before. We shall see.

I am 100% more relaxed than a couple weeks ago. Semester's done, Chorch job is done, and I don't feel like I have to be ultra-vigilant of Mom every minute of every day. I am putting highlights in my hair as we speak (a luxury I haven't had time for since summer). I did some random napping on the couch this afternoon. And I started my day with exercise and yoga. Wow.

It really is like coming out of a dark, seemingly endless tunnel. The ground is still rocky, but I can see where I'm going and I can get my footing a whole lot easier.

Here are the tiny slices of life that helped me through those darkest moments in the last month, in no particular order.

1. Hawaiian music
2. Lilac-scented tea lights in my salt candle
3. Watching House, M.D. (weirdly cathartic)
4. Good food made at home with the occasional Chinese take-away in the evenings
5. Hospice
6. Phone calls with JET and my Bro.
7. Green Tara
8. Tim & Leigh's holiday party
9. Preserving my energy by evening cloisters and putting limits up for other people/activities
10. My Huzzzbinnnd
11. The reservation at Splash Lagoon
12. Of course my dear friends (who I did not initially list but of course they are in my heart) PMP and SMJ! They both offered slices of sanity and love when I needed them most!

New Look

Since it's a new season, and since I'm really looking forward to my trip to The Land Where I Was Birthed (the South Shore of Boston, that is to say, near the ocean), I thought it appropos to change up the look, including a photo I took in May at Scituate Light House.

Spring Look

I've changed things up a bit. It's spring (even though Ogreville is now experiencing "normal" temps in the 50s which seem frigid compared to the 80+ degrees we had a week ago). And because it's spring, I thought some earth tones with a bit of blue sky were appropriate. Also, check out my new avatar. Appropriate, don't you think?

To the left is a gorgeous shot of cherry blossoms, the symbol of spring in Korea and Japan.

Leaf Turning

In my last post I presented my intention to not speak negative, harmful or meaningless thoughts. In service of this, I have discontinued my association with my brother's chat site. There's nothing wrong with the site or the people on it (hell, two of my closest blood relatives are on there). However, I continually end up in combative situations with people who have different (often opposite) ideas and world views as I do.

Recently I made the comment that I was sick of liberal-bashing and conservative-bashing from anyone (I see the liberal-bashing on the site, and I hear and read conservative-bashing in the town in which I live). To my mind, it gets nothing done and it only furthers the intelluctual divide in this society. Anyway, my comments to this affect were met with paragraphs of rationalization about how the conservatives have come under heavy fire from the liberal elite (media, academia and politicos) since the middle of the last century, so why should they hold back? If someone on that board talks about McCain or Obama, they are jumped on about how liberal both candidates are, and there is a CLEAR undercurrent that liberal = evil.

Now, I'm not a dyed-in-the-wool liberal. I don't agree with Democrats on all issues, nor do I agree with Republicans. I try to vote my conscience and I try to remain informed. But what I really can't stand are the tactics of BOTH sides of the proverbial and literal aisle who are so entrenched in the Us vs. Them paradigm that they can't get to work for this country.

Okay, so that's my soapbox and I'm going to let it end here. Getting back to my original point for this post -- I am no longer going to put myself in an environment (physical or cyber) that leads to hard feelings, mistrust or other harmful thoughts and words. I can't change their minds, and they can't change mine. There's no sense going around and around on these issues, and I sure has hell have better things to do with my time.