Meat Sauce. Okay, Turkey Sauce.

My nephew made an awesome pasta dinner tonight. The apple pie is in the oven. My grand niece, Erin (2), has finally warmed up to me and graced me with her attention, and my oldest grand nephew, Owen (4) is clearly my biggest fan in the world. The youngest grand nephew, Aidan (7 mos.) is all smiles and gurgles. What more could a crazy Great Auntie wish for?

I've spent the last few days in The Land of my Birth, and as always, my heart is full while my body is tired. I've slept in a different place almost every night this week. Tomorrow I'm in my favorite hotel in the world at Nantasket Beach. I gots me a room with jacuzzi whirlpool and fireplace for $79. All to myself. No interlopers. The perfect transition between vagabond status and my drive home to my writing retreat.

That's right, it's time again for my January writing retreat. So glorious! So freeing! So wicked cheap!

I will more than likely be writing more interesting or at least well-considered things soon. Right now I'm floating on the scent of apple pah.

Auld Lang Syne, and 2011: Where you been all my life?

It's been a record year. My first full year without my Mom. A new job as a writing tutor at a community college. Derby! A summer in S. Korea, my home away from home. A new screenplay, and some useful notes on the sci fi bequeemoth script I've been writing since 2005. Space: 1999 entered my life in a way I didn't think possible. My long unanticipated return in front of the camera of a student film. Becoming a great auntie for the third time. Meeting Apolo Ohno in person! Seeing the Count Basie Orchestra in concert, a life-long dream. Joining a gym for the first time in my life. Matt Smith as Doctor Who! Spending Christmas in my own home for the first time since I was 23. Adopting Spaz Kitteh! Taking a stand for myself.

I am excited to spend New Year's Eve with my brother for the first time ever (I think, unless I'm forgetting something). This one 2010 has to share with 2011, though.

I have two intentions for the new year. As I've said before, resolutions are for guilt-ridden ex-Catholic school survivors who never feel their best is good enough. Fuck that shit with a rubber hose.

Intention #1: Stop trying to control everything. Thank the Universe for what's coming and don't try to qualify it. This means live in the moment without trying to build some kind of steam punk mirror contraption to see around every corner. It also means taking everything that comes along as an opportunity.

Intention #2: Get back in touch with relatives. After Mom died, I sequestered myself and withdrew from most family contact except for my brother and nephew. Time to reconnect with my lineage.

Happy New Year to you 'uns. Make the most of everything - zero regrets!

Zero Regrets

Apolo Ohno - who as you know is a great inspiration to me, which is odd since I'm not an athlete, but I am someone with a purpose in life, after all - has published his book Zero Regrets. An excerpt from the blurb:

"Zero regrets. It's a philosophy not just about sport but about life. School, business, academics, love—anything and everything. It's complicated and yet not. You have to figure out who it is you want to be. Not what you want to be—who. There has to be a vision, a dream, a plan. Then you chase that with everything you've got."

I tried to buy the book this weekend but the stupid-ass local Bore-derz only got in 1 of the 8 they were supposed to, and of course that one copy flew off the shelf. The lady at the Bore-derz suggested (sotto voce) that I try Barnes & Noble, which I plan to do today. He's going to be in a near-by city next weekend for a book-signing, so I plan to get in line with all the other swooning women to get my copy signed, provided I can find one. I may have to wait and get a copy there, but what if they're sold out?

The philosophy of "Zero Regrets" is one I am trying to live by these days. It keeps me writing and dreaming. Try it on and see if it works for you!

The calm before the storm. Mid term stuff is done, and we're heading into that pre-Thanksgiving stretch, after which the shit will hit the fan and academics all across the nation will be going to sleep with a bottle of gin and waking up with a twelver-pot of hi-test coffee. Followed by two weeks of coma.

Things are getting interesting. Not teaching at the Other School on the Hill next semester, and will be getting expanded hours at the tutoring job. Not sure how I feel about all that yet, other than the fact that I'm damn happy to have a job, period.

Some recent realizations of major import:

1. Fear of success stemming from childhood shit that has recently been up in my face and making me realize that I have really been standing in the way of my Awesome Writing Career. More like playing interference against myself.

2. "It doesn't matter where you start; it only matters where you finish." I really love Apolo Ohno for saying this, and for being such an awesome inspiration. I caught his Tweet this morning about being on the Today show, so I tuned in and saw him before going to my 9-hour day at the tutoring center. Really put me in a good mood and helped me get through the day.

3. I don't have to believe everything I think.

4. The Count Basie Orchestra is fucking phenomenal. Saw them live the other night and it made me think how incredibly awesome it must be to create a legacy that lasts for 75 years and in fact outlasts you.

5. Cats can be sluts, too.

Also, I joined Planet Fitness but have yet to go because I got my pehr-ee-odd and couldn't move for a couple days. Will be heading over there this Friday after work. Watch my muscles bulge! I better not grunt or they'll kick me out. How much of a loser one would have to be to get kicked out of a Planet Fitness.

Holy crap it's been over a month since my last post! I'm so sorry. I have no excuse. I am completely excuse-free.

The semester has been rolling along nicely. I have a great screenwriting class, and the tutoring gig is okaaaayyy but I'm seeing far more of the Icky Ucky Slimy Underbelly of Academia than I really care to. Budgets got slashed this year (thank you Governor Paterson), numbers are up, and staff/faculty numbers go down. Awesome. Let's not overload a system that was already at the breaking point! Let's not require the support staff to do more with less for more students. That would be a damn shame if we did that. That would mean the students wouldn't get the support they need, and it would mean that good-meaning folk like myself would get burned out and quit before they can be laid off.

Oh yeah, that's a Happy Fun Ball of Fun, that one.

I digress...

The last month has also seen great strides in a couple of my writing projects, and also the beginnings of a proper job search in Beantown and environs. I'm getting a feel for what's out there, applying for things, and also trying at long last to listen to my intuition and my VOICES FROM THE GREAT BEYOND in case someone's trying to show me a really great job I should apply for.

In all seriousness, I'm not sure if I should continue down the path of academia (which isn't all that easy since I don't have a PhD and the MFA only seems to matter in art skool, but I don't have enough produced work to matter to art skools)...or...get me a 9-to-fiver that will bring in a 401k and a decent paycheck while I write the Great American Space:1999 novel and sell a screenplay or two.

We shall see what the Universe in all its perversity presents me with. For now, it's time to gear up for Halloween and the last derby bout of the season.

Let Autum begin its crisp march down the corridors of Winter's Palace of Frozen Feet and Runny Noses. It's about to get real up in here.

Why I have an anonymous blog

So I can say this:

I don't wanna fucking tutor and teach. I just want to write. All day. Every day. Maybe do some laundry in there but mostly just writing, schmoozing and taking a dip in the pool when the weather calls for it.

There. I said it.

A drivel-ly sort of day. Just sort of slunk by, mainly unnoticed save for a couple of small successes (finishing off my syllabus for the Fall semester and sending Chase credit card a big fat check for a GRAND. Yes, as in a thousand U.S. clams).

Other than that, the day made a noise sort of like the T.A.R.D.I.S. wheezing. Only it was all day.

Lately I've noticed a very disturbing trend. I've started to use ellipsis where a comma would do very nicely. This is a horrible habit, as evidenced by some horrible writing that I had a hand in proofreading over the winter months last year. Somehow, I've started doing it myself, and it's truly horrifying. I need to write little sticky notes and place them strategically all over the house to brainwash myself that COMMAS ARE ALL YOU NEED. Ellipsisisises have a very specific use, after all:

Back on the couch

I have returned from Korea, which you know if you've followed my lame-ass blogging attempts on Adventures of the Jade Monkey. I'm still posting photos of my trip there, so keep checking back.

Today (Sunday) I'm catching up on electronic media consumption and production. This means blogging, organizing photos, and catching up Doctor Who and Mad Men. Re: Doctor Who: OH. MY. GOD. Absolutely stunning. Re: Mad Men: That is some awesome writing. Don Draper is so twisted and pathetic that he's somehow almost sexy. Rodger Sterling is hilarious because he represents a pre-P.C. sense of humor. Still to come: Leverage and the last few eps of Night Gallery that I haven't seen. Bizarro and I started watching the entire series back in the winter/early spring. We're planning to do presentations at the next Rod Serling Conference about Night Gallery, so right now we're watching and re-watching eps for research (and for fun).

Tomorrow I will start attending to business as usual... slowly. One thing at a time, beginning with finances and figuring out who I need to call and what I need to put on the agenda for the week. Writing is #1, of course. I have 2 weeks before I have to return to work, so I'm making the most of the time.

I still have some unpacking to do, still laundry to do, and of course I have to have my ankle looked at (I sprained it AGAIN my last week in Korea). Processing my notes and thoughts will be essential before work starts and my brain becomes too filled with other people's work and concerns to develop my own. I did some work on the film while in Korea, which was really wonderful. Now I'm in a better place to start editing once I get a tutorial in Final Cut Pro. A very simple thing I realized: part of my procrastination has been my discomfort with the tech end of it. What a silly thing! I've got a filmmaker friend and colleague who's going to help me with that end of things.

I'm still dealing with some jet lag, though today I'm feeling much better than yesterday. Hopefully tonight I won't wake up at 3:00 a.m. in a cold sweat, totally disoriented, like I have the last 2 nights. It's all good - just a mild transition, that's all. I prepped myself for getting through jet lag via EFT before I even got on the plane. Nothing like pre-emptive EFT!

I'm uploading more photos to Adventures of the Jade Monkey now, so why not head over there and check them out?

Lady Gaga = Ace of Base + Madonna + Steam punk surplus store liquidation sale

Today's title sums up the morning's revelations about life in this modern world.

The last couple days have been fairly obnoxious. More summing up:

1. The Korean university kindly informed me Monday morning that I'd be needing a C-4 visa, which left me with less than 2 weeks to procure said visa.
2. The ENT guy has no idea why I can hear my pulse pounding in my left ear, but assures me my head won't explode on the plane to Korea. At some point when I get back, I'll need an MRI of my head.
3. It's been 60 degrees and/or raining here.
4. I burned my dinner of flax waffles last night.

At least I'm working a roller derby bout Saturday night (although it's a 2-hour drive), my new writing group is going well, as is my curriculum planning for Korea, and my writing projects are kicking some butt. These things are not to be overlooked, because they're keeping me sane right now.

Though she's not around these parts much any more, welcome home to the U.S.D.A., Salty Miss Jill.

Sorting

It's summer, which mean there are so many projects to get to, not the least of which is I'M GOING TO KOREA IN A MONTH. I've decided for the time being to go for the "low hanging fruit."

1. Novel - The publisher is going to publish it. All I have to do is write it. And I am. Every day a couple more scenes.

2. Screenplay - My "paranormal rom-com" is in progress. I have a new writing group (we'll see how this one goes) and I'm hoping to get some solid potato salad critique from those homies.

3. My film - the doco on life as an expat EFL teacher in Korea is coming with me to Korea and I will be finishing it (editing) with the help of Chang, my production/doco colleague who is full of Awesomesauce.

So there you have it and there it is: Summer 2010.

In between all that is planning my curriculum for Korea, "reducing" as my Filipino mother-in-law would say (that means exercising and getting fit, losing some inches along the way), and working the penalty box for derby games.

Speaking of "reducing," can I just say that my knee really needs to just get its act together so I can do martial arts and roller skate again. I'm tired of babying it. I want to join Planet Fitness so I can get on that machine that pumps your quads. Since I'm sorta on a budget for the summer, I'll just do T'ai Chi in the park and bear all the Chinese people in my apartment complex laughing at me. WHAT?

Time to hit my day. PMP is in town for a visit, I'm getting my car back at some point, and I have to do some hauswerk. And of course, spend the morning writing.

Mid-May Missive

Taking a breath on a Sunday morning to catch up more details here, since I was buried in work the last few weeks.

As mentioned in a previous post, I've begun a new adventure as a penalty box mistress (timekeeper) with the local women's roller derby league. My husband started going to games last season, and seemed to really enjoy them. This season I went with him to the opening game, and I was INSTANTLY hooked. There's no way my knee or my schedule will allow me to skate or even be a ref, but I am able to be an NSO - Non-Skating Official - to keep time in the penalty box. And yes, I do have a derby name: The Prof. Hit.

Aside from my new hobby, I am looking forward to writing morning, noon and night this summer, with the exception of my month in Korea, during which I will work on my documentary. Ah, see you'd forgotten I started to work on a film three years ago, dincha? It's still out there, but I'm closing in now for the kill, with assistance from a colleague at skool to help me edit.

My writing projects are varied: a first draft of a new screenplay, revisions of one I just got some notes for, and a novel for a small publishing company that specializes in licensed properties (TV tie-ins, IOW). I am looking forward to living the life of a writer for the next month or so.

One last thing to report - my shitty-ass neighbors have decided to abandon a 5-6 month old kitten because they're moving and won't/can't take him with them. They've stopped feeding it and let it outside so that someone will take him in. The little thing is skin and bones, and I've taken it upon myself to find him a new home, since he's taken up hanging out on our patio. I feed him a little protein every day and make sure he has some water to drink. I don't know where he goes at night. I need to find him a new home, soon, though. It incenses me that anyone would be so fucking irresponsible and ignorant.

And now, to end this on a lighter note, I have to go make part of my costume for derby this afternoon. How much fun!

Hotter than a bull's tit. Wait...er...

Yesterday I was trying like hell to find a good comparative metaphor for the mini-heat wave we're having. I was going off of the ole "colder than a witch's tit," but I didn't get very far, clearly. And I call myself a writer. Oh, well.

In other news, I dropped some cold hard cash on new clothes for the spring/summer business-caszh wardrobe. It had to be done. I've grown out of most of my work clothes (which in itself is another post for another blog - let's just say I ain't happy about going up another size since last spring). Yay for Kohl's! I found some good deals on clothes that don't make me look like a donut.

Spring cleaning has commenced, beginning with piles in the bedroom that at some point over the winter I'm pretty sure gained sentience and formed a United Federation of Discards. Their little cliques and will soon be destroyed and redeployed to my own design. I've been reading too much Becoming Madame Mao. I'm starting to talk like a Chinese Communist ca. 1966.

And on that note, I'm going to go "pull the weeds" of my closet and dressers to make room for revolutionary clothes. Out with the old, in with the new.

Check out the site of a former student of mine: RedSpace. The guy has a way with words and is destined for excellence.

Paid to be a geek!

WOW. I've been asked to collaborate on a Space: 1999 novel for the small press that has the franchise license. I am in shock. I hardly thought my writing breakout would be in prose, nor that the show I worshipped as a kid would provide the opportunity to write, get paid, and have fun. Don't get me wrong, I realize Space: 1999 had multiple flaws as a television production (not the least of which is a physics faux pas at the root of the show's premise), but it captured my imagination when I was seven years old, as it did for many. In most ways, the books are more intelligent than the show ever was, deepening the characters and exploring things that let's face it, ITC didn't have a budget to create in 1975. I am honored to be a part of that universe, and I am excited to take on this challenge.

And now for your regularly scheduled everything else.

Coming off of my retreat wasn't as bad as it could've been. I've had re-entries that were as bad as my return culture shock from Korea. Yesterday I got up and finished (FINISHED!) "Beauty Is..." and had my writing group meeting in the afternoon, followed by Yoga, so it was a good day to be out of retreat.

"Beauty Is..." finally has the focus it needs. Yes, there's the Y/A sleuthing element, but it's more about the friendships and trials of my characters, all teens, in 1961. I also fixed the "bookend" feature. Initially, the action took place in the early '50s, and the book ends were in the 70s, but my writing group declared that no one would give a shit about the 50s and the 70s, and that it would be too hard to identify with any of the characters. I resisted this for a long time, but then I realized there was a way to put the bookends in the present. I also opened up a whole new chapter in the charcters' lives - them as 60-somethings. I had fun with that.

Anyway, I'm excited and will have to print it out for another fine-toothed comb through, but meanwhile I've got the next screenplay in the hopper. I've got Act I pretty well figured out, so I need to get the rest of the outline done. I've discovered that the only way an outline works for me is if I draw it as a timeline. I have these huge project calendars that use the wipe-off marker, so I flip them over to use the blank side, and they make the perfect time line medium.

Yoga kicked my ass last night. It was the first time back after my instructor went away for a month. She said she was going to keep it an "easy" workout, but damn it didn't feel easy to me. Afterwards she said, "I think that's the easiest Yoga class I've ever taught." I don't know if she was kidding, but I hope she was. Anyway, it's all good, because I am getting myself back into the physical shape that is natural and healthy.

My regimen for the next few months: Yoga Monday nights, Belly dance Tuesday nights, Aqua Aerobics Thursday at noon, and when I can make it, Tae Kwon Do Friday afternoons.

Oh yes, that's right TKD. Check it: one of my students last semester came to me and asked if I would consider being a faculty adviser for the TKD club. Theirs was leaving and they had no one and without a faculty adviser, they'd be shut down. He didn't even know that I'd studied TKD at one point in my life. Anyway, so I said yes, and he promised to go easy on me if I try to get back into a dobok and recapture some of the glory of my youth. I'm pretty jazzed about it. I even have my old belt kicking around someplace in the closet. (get it? KICKING AROUND)

So this semester I am going to be sore, looks like, but my work schedule is going to demand I go to bed early and get up early so all this exercise should help me do just that. I'm looking forward to the new semester, though I'm a bit nervous. The new job as a tutor will be, I think, exciting. Best of all, I will have little prep work for classes, since the screenwriting class I could teach with my eyes closed (and might have to, seeing as how my first section is at 8:00 a.m.).

Everything is, how you say, awesome.

Last Day

Taking a break to belt out a quick blog post. It's my last day of writing retreat. What a wonderful couple weeks it's been! I've accomplished everything I set out to do (or will, by the end of today), plus I was able to enjoy some of the Great Outdoors when the sun's peeked through. I also took advantage of the deep bathtub here, eaten a lot less junk (less food in general, come to think of it), done Yoga in the buff (TMI?), and held the rest of the world at bay fairly well while still attending to the really important stuff that couldn't wait until tomorrow.

As usual, I am sad at the thought of leaving this place, but I am ever so grateful that I am able to come here a couple times a year to remind myself what I'm on this planet to do.

I realized a very important shift of awareness a few days ago: I identify myself as a writer, first, and teacher, second. This awareness is a huge wave of relief for me; I no longer have to fight the truth of who I am, just because the world deems it more practical to say "I'm a teacher. Oh, and I write when I have time," rather than "I'm a writer, and also, I teach & tutor part time." In a realistic sense, this means that I don't have to feel guilty for putting other things at bay so that I can write.

I can say, for instance, "No, I can't tutor weekends, because that's my prize time for writing." And I did, in fact, have to say that, when my new jobby job tried to suck me in for hours I never agreed to in the first place. That's right. I have to remain on guard at all times, which is a sad state of affairs, but that's academia for you. (Weekends, my ass!)

And speaking of being a writer...

Day ?

I've lost count. I think this is Day 8. Anyway, finished Arapata'an, the sci fi saga that's been a part of my life for way too long. Sent it off to my manager and took a deep breath.

I have 5.5 days left of the retreat, so I'm allowing myself only a short break before I dive into the next project, which is my TV pilot. I'd already written quite a bit for it, but I've decided to change the main character completely, so it's going to be a whole new thang. Looking forward to that process now.

PMP and TMH are back from their honeymoon in Costa Rica, and real life has reasserted itself for her. PMP's blog tells a tale I am all to familiar with - dealing with her aging Mom. As I read her blog post "Cracked," I couldn't stop the tears from coming. Everything I went through in '08 leading into January of '09 was right there - only now in perspective. Not raw. Not anymore. Still very emotional, of course, but not so raw. Mostly, I felt a pang of sadness for PMP, because I know how it is to be the only daughter of an aging mother. I know the pressures, the heartbreak, the stress, and the unrelenting reminder of my own mortality. I know the road PMP has just taken her first few steps on, and I know it can feel like a lonely road at times. But I also know that if we walk the road with love and compassion, it will ultimately lead to a place in life that is beyond our imagining. My thoughts are with PMP and her Mom.

Day 4

Finally, I seem to have hit the groove here. Maybe I just needed a couple days to allow my brain to truly unwind without the interference or presence of any other people. Also, I think moving my desk to the windows was a very good move. So last night, I got a good night's sleep (except for the nightmare that woke me up, yelling, at 1:30 a.m. - something about a witch/demon after me - perhaps the Witch of Writer's Block, or Acedia, the Noonday Demon). Anyway, I got up at a healthy hour and drove straight here, didn't allow myself to play Bejeweled: Twist for more than 5 minutes, and got to work on the sci fi script with my manager's notes.

Ms. Bizarro's Power Salad - packed with healthy carbs and meatless protein (not vegan; sorry but I love cheese wayyy too much)

• Dice up: Sweet peppers (green, red or yellow), cucumber, Gala apple, avocado, cherry or Roma tomatoes.
• Add a couple tufts of zesty sprouts, a small handful of walnuts, and feta cheese.
• Top with tahini instead of salad dressing.

Lunch is over; time to get back to it!

All I wanna do...

Day 1

The day got off to a slowish start, getting the snowtires done, then mailing the proofed manuscript off, then picking up all my stuff and stopping for coffee, but I finally made it to the retreat house and got a lot of good writing done today.

Worked on the sci fi TV pilot and am working my way through a final edit of what started as a piece of fan fic, but what will hopefully get published by the same small press that is putting out the book I proofed (and honestly, my writing is loads better than the book I proofed).

Just having that much space and time to myself was an incredible boost to my mood. I think that's been 50% of my feeling down and out since coming back from Cleveland - not having time to myself for a couple weeks. I love my husband and my family, but I am a classic Myers-Briggs Introvert, which means I charge my batteries by being alone and doing my own thing.

The other 50% of not feeling myself has been the fact that the first anniversary of Momazoo's death is coming up in a couple weeks. It does not seem possible that it's been a year. I'll be going along and suddenly an image will pop into my mind, of her sick, in the nursing home, in my home for our last Christmas together. I've had bad dreams every morning for the last 4-5 days; sometimes it's about Mom being sick, sometimes it's me and Mom fighting and bickering over some random thing. Always very sad and uncomfortable. Today I started trying to make it more conscious, so that I can feel whatever I'm trying to feel rather than have it come out in these upsetting dreams.

I think just having the time to do my own thing and take care of myself is going to help. I plan to do some kind of memorial at the cemetery on the 22nd, weather permitting (i.e. if it stops snowing for five minutes).

Looking forward to Day 2 at the retreat house. I'm bringing bath salts; the bathtub there is huge compared to my little one at home. Here's to another productive day.