This song has never been more true

Loved it when I was in high school, but these days the lyrics are damned appropriate:

A very tiny fish in a big, blue sea

I'm blogging because my job search is frustrating me to the level that I feel like I'm doing the doggy paddle in the middle of the Pacific. I have no idea if I'm going in the right direction, and it seems whenever I send out a resume, it disappears into the murky black depths, right down there with the mysterious giant squid, never to be seen again. I have no idea if I'm being efficient, if I'm competitive, if there's an icecube's chance in hell that I will get a good fitting position out of this massive effort which is cutting into my writing time in a big way.

I try to visualize me going to work, me doing my work, me coming home to my cute little bungalow, close to the sea. I try to use this as an anchor, but after only a little while of bobbing around the vast internet ocean of job searches, I feel completely inept and without a clue.

This is not a good state of affairs, especially combined with the utter lack of hopefulness I hold out for things here in the City on the Edge of Forever. It's all just so goddamnned depressing.

I just need a lead, a line, a compass, a light in the darkness to help me find my way. I keep asking for it, and it keeps not coming.

If any of you, gentle readers, think you know of a lead you can throw my way, I'd greatly appreciate it. Or, if you have any straight up advice, dish it. I'm ready to hear anything right about now.

Doncha worry none!

Looking back on the last few posts, I realize that things may seem to be awfully poopy. Truth is, I'm feeling great. I'm making new waves and looking for new opportunities. I feel like I'm finally ready to make the big leap into...something. Not sure what, yet. Something new is out there for me. A writing career, a new place to live, a new location. The ocean. It's almost time. Meanwhile, I am shaking the last of the crud from my mootsies. I guess that's what the recent posts have been all about.

New Semester, New Attitude

The semester is officially underway, and I am officially "in the world but not of it." IOW, I'm not sweating the stupid shit. My sights are on the future, making plans, trying on new ideas for a new way of life. That's right bitches. A. New. Way. Of. Life. That is to say: your shit is your shit, not my shit. Your problems are not my problems unless I agreed to make them my problems in the first place. Nobody owns me. This pretty much sums it up:



(Okay, I'm aware that that isn't a very Buddhist outlook. It's a bit overly-dramatic, but you get the idea.)

There'll be no more of THIS SHIT:


"Neener-neener-neener! My balls are made of iron!"

I am not a tumbleweed

Well it's finally happened, dear readers. I'm starting to feel at home here in the City on the Edge of Forever. The whining has generally stopped (although, just wait for winter). This year has been filled with awesomesauce - roller derby and Kung Fu/T'ai Chi school, new friends and cool people to hang out with. I've started meditating on a regular basis again, and I've committed to being healthy in body as well as mind and soul.

Also, I have two pretty decent jobs, and I am intent on parlaying one of them into a full-time gig. I am not worrying about anyone else's "stuff" right now; I'm focusing on creating the life I want. This means I am excited about things I haven't been excited about for quite some time. It also means that life in one's forties is a really dynamic time, which is quite the opposite of what I used to think (when I was in my thirties and trying to figure the world out). The good news is that I don't have to figure the world out! I only have to figure myself out, but with grace and not under pressure.

I've realized over the last few days that I've resisted the desire to set in roots (for a number of reasons, most of which stretch back to when I was 10 years old, and I don't want to bore you with all of that now). But in reality, there is no reason to resist this. I am not a tumbleweed, after all.

Next up: more lucrative, creative work, a house or condo to buy, and stronger ankles/knees so I can start skating again. Just watch me!

Nose plugs

Oh man has it been stinky in here. REEKING with my bad attitude. The spate of gorgeous weather has allowed me to open Window and Patio Door, thus creating a cross breeze that is helping to Get Out The Stink.

Well, so yeah I've been home sick all week, except that I haven't really been home sick all week. I stayed home from one job, the one with the most hours and the most frustrations, but I had to go in to do the other one, for which no one was available to cover me anyway. I taught those classes feeling feverish, woozey, and totally grumpy.

And now it's Friday, it's 80 degrees, and except for a brief visit to the store to pick up food and juice and echinacea and goldenseal in a pill, I've been parked on the couch, reading Becoming Madame Mao (totally absorbing, love it love it love it) and journaling EFT Choices set up phrases (or, MTT, since after a legal todo, EFT can no longer be used. MTT stands for Meridian Tapping Technique). I've also slept a lot.

The bottom line is, though, that I keep getting sick and I keep not being able to fend off the worst germs that come my way. What's up with that? Oh, I have Theories. I have many Theories.

And I know I shouldn't ask the question, but sometimes I do get irked when Good Things Happen to People Who Should Know Better. (Why do Good Things happen to People Who Should Know Better?) I mean really, it does irk me to see this going on in the world. But then I shrug it off and remind myself that just because someone gets to travel around the world doesn't mean she doesn't have problems.

Mmm so I think it's time for some kind of Vitamin C cocktail (minus the alcohol, unfortunately) that will enable my immune system to unfuck itself. If my sinuses don't start draining soon, I think they will pop out of my head and march on down to the neighborhood pub all on their own. And that would be a sight to see.

April Fools

Nothing very foolish about today. It was in the 70s, sunny, gorgeous, and I'm still sick. Seems that's all I talk about on this blog. That and how shitty I feel about everything all the time. That's why I haven't written in awhile. And see? I'm writing and so far all I've talked about is being sick and depressed.

So. There ya go.

Grumpus Maximus

I've been a grumpus since last night. I came home sick from work yesterday. That only took 2.5 weeks of the new semester. Still better than last semester, in which I was sick before classes even started, but I'm still not happy with the apparent continuation of the sickly theme.

One of two things are going on:

1. I secretly hate my professional life, my subconscious is sabotaging it, and my body is trying to tell me how miserable I actually am.
-OR-
2. My immune system is really so delicate that a few nights of wacky sleep schedule is enough to cause me to catch the first germ that comes along.

Tutoring is worse than teaching when it comes to germ exposure. Students come in all sniffly and snotty and are all up in my face, and I often have to handle their books or whatnot. I need to do better at keeping them at arms length if they come in all sickly.

Truth is, I think that it is likely a combination of 1 and 2. Although I love my new job, I have already found it very stressful to be shuttling between two campuses, two institutions, two totally different types of work, two radically different environments. I need one job that suits my needs. I have to stop this patchwork piecemeal life. I can't take it anymore.

I have put out feelers for any possibility of increasing my hours at the tutoring job, so that I can start transferring my proverbial eggs into that basket, but that college has just entered a hiring freeze, so my hopes are dim that that can happen. This means I have to keep struggling with this fucking crazy schedule that includes early mornings, late nights, and one day a week that I have to be in both places. I can't get a handle on the balance of it. I've sworn off all 10:00 television programming (which, alas, includes Burn Notice and Leverage) so that I can try to be in bed and asleep by 11:00, so that getting up at 6:30 won't feel like dragging my cold corpse from the grave every morning.

I realize that to many, this sounds like a bunch of whining. Sam Axe would call me "a bitchy little girl." But the fact remains that I am going to be 42 in less than a month, and I'm working a young-woman's game with this kind of schedule and work. I deserve something much better, with benefits, a reasonable work load and schedule, and somewhere I can hang my hat and say "this is where I work." I love being a tutor (which is more complex than just the 1-on-1 work, because we do workshops, classroom visits, and other such things), and I love doing the operations stuff that my job entails. I need more of that.

So how can I make this happen? Incidentally, I wouldn't mind doing that kind of job in a place with palm trees.

I should note that I felt my best this winter the two weeks I got up and went to the retreat house to write every day. Underneath this entire discussion about how to earn a living is the undeniable identity and desire to write and do nothing else. How to get that to pay the bills...that's another topic for discussion.

And now for your regularly scheduled everything else.

Coming off of my retreat wasn't as bad as it could've been. I've had re-entries that were as bad as my return culture shock from Korea. Yesterday I got up and finished (FINISHED!) "Beauty Is..." and had my writing group meeting in the afternoon, followed by Yoga, so it was a good day to be out of retreat.

"Beauty Is..." finally has the focus it needs. Yes, there's the Y/A sleuthing element, but it's more about the friendships and trials of my characters, all teens, in 1961. I also fixed the "bookend" feature. Initially, the action took place in the early '50s, and the book ends were in the 70s, but my writing group declared that no one would give a shit about the 50s and the 70s, and that it would be too hard to identify with any of the characters. I resisted this for a long time, but then I realized there was a way to put the bookends in the present. I also opened up a whole new chapter in the charcters' lives - them as 60-somethings. I had fun with that.

Anyway, I'm excited and will have to print it out for another fine-toothed comb through, but meanwhile I've got the next screenplay in the hopper. I've got Act I pretty well figured out, so I need to get the rest of the outline done. I've discovered that the only way an outline works for me is if I draw it as a timeline. I have these huge project calendars that use the wipe-off marker, so I flip them over to use the blank side, and they make the perfect time line medium.

Yoga kicked my ass last night. It was the first time back after my instructor went away for a month. She said she was going to keep it an "easy" workout, but damn it didn't feel easy to me. Afterwards she said, "I think that's the easiest Yoga class I've ever taught." I don't know if she was kidding, but I hope she was. Anyway, it's all good, because I am getting myself back into the physical shape that is natural and healthy.

My regimen for the next few months: Yoga Monday nights, Belly dance Tuesday nights, Aqua Aerobics Thursday at noon, and when I can make it, Tae Kwon Do Friday afternoons.

Oh yes, that's right TKD. Check it: one of my students last semester came to me and asked if I would consider being a faculty adviser for the TKD club. Theirs was leaving and they had no one and without a faculty adviser, they'd be shut down. He didn't even know that I'd studied TKD at one point in my life. Anyway, so I said yes, and he promised to go easy on me if I try to get back into a dobok and recapture some of the glory of my youth. I'm pretty jazzed about it. I even have my old belt kicking around someplace in the closet. (get it? KICKING AROUND)

So this semester I am going to be sore, looks like, but my work schedule is going to demand I go to bed early and get up early so all this exercise should help me do just that. I'm looking forward to the new semester, though I'm a bit nervous. The new job as a tutor will be, I think, exciting. Best of all, I will have little prep work for classes, since the screenwriting class I could teach with my eyes closed (and might have to, seeing as how my first section is at 8:00 a.m.).

Everything is, how you say, awesome.

What's that smell?

That's the burning rubber of my wheels trying to catch up with my life. Or the flinty smoke from my rotundus maximus trying to wedge itself through the door.

Haven't gone to H2O aerobics in 3 weeks due to: covering someone else's class, attending a department meeting, having my period, getting ready for the conference last weekend, grading, and getting a sinus infection. I am going tomorrow if I have to shoot down and stomp on my students' dead bodies and bloody scripts to get there.

Did manage to get to Yoga tonight, and that felt good, although clearly my abs have forsaken me.

I'm behind on everything but that's only going to last a few more days, then I'll have a chance to catch up.

Cleveland and the in-laws were delightful this past weekend, though as usual I ate too much bad stuff there (though not as much as usual; I was being careful). Only one piece of pie instead of four. Not so shabby eh?

A successful visit to Half Price Books gleaned me the first season of Night Gallery, a Twilight Zone Companion, a book on belly fat, a new journal, and...something else I can't recall at the moment. Best part was that, unbeknownst to me, there was a 20% off educator discount going on. Of course I had no college I.D. on me, other than a business card, and I more or less bludgeoned the clerk into giving me a discount anyway. She got her vengeance by "forgetting" to put the DVDs in the box for Night Gallery. I had to go back, wait in the damn line again, etc. But did get a coupon for 15% for my troubles (which I promptly gave to my sis-in-law since it was only good until the end of the month and I live 2 states over).

Ah, but now I have tons of grading to do and Night Gallery to distract me. Who could ask for anything more?

Reloaded

After a bit of venting and an evening of figuring out the technology I need to use for class, I'm feeling a little less like a piss pot. I still have a mess of things to figure out, but at least if I can manage my classrooms this semester I'll have a sense of accomplishment. It's no easy task when students would rather examine their tongue rings in the reflection of their cell phones than learn something. But I am trying. I am trying.

Earlier this evening a neighbor somewhere in a nearby building was having very loud sex with the windows open. After about 30 minutes I yelled "close your fucking windows" and slammed my patio door shut. I'm sure they either didn't hear or didn't care. The upstairs neighbors have been stomping around since the afternoon. I swear to god it sounds like an elephant is dancing an Irish reel up there.

Trying to focus on the positive is difficult for me at this point. It feels fake and foolish to pour syrup on all the crappy stuff. Instead I need to get motivated by the crappy stuff and use that as momentum to change what needs to be changed. Venting is an important part of the process, and this here blog is good for that. But never think for a moment that all I do is kavetch without doing anything, or thinking deeply about the trends, signs, events, and situations of my life.

Tomorrow I'm in the screenwriting classroom. We're watching "Eve's Bayou," which I adore and love to teach with.

Heh. Things could be worse. I could have a voo doo priestess reading my fortune and making curses on my family. Yep.

Shaken, not stirred

Things are definitely getting shaken up. I am still intent on finding a job in Boston, but I'm letting the "search" go for now. I realized yesterday it was really stressing me out. Truth is we wouldn't be moving until next year at the earliest anyway, so what's the point of looking at dumb jobs online now? Also, I say F.U. to Moster, CareerBuilder, and all the other lame-o job search engines that are useless unless 1. you're a computer nerd 2. you're a medical transcriptionist or 3. you are a pre-school teacher.

This doesn't mean I'm giving up on Boston, but I realize that I need to take my time to "create" the perfect job for me. Which means I have to figure out what the heck that means. And luckily, I have time. When I do figure it out, I will go to a head hunter for non-academic jobs. The academic jobs for next Fall will be posted over the winter (which will give me something to do other than freeze into a block of Bizarro on the futon this year). I'm going to do this right - well-thought out, with clear intent, no running after the first piece of slag thrown my way.

Those of you who know my past know that I've bounced around alot. I'm done bouncing. I need to develop a VISION STATEMENT for my life and then go from there.

I do think, however, that my years as an adjunct have caught up with me. There is a documented phenomenon in academia where those who've taught as adjuncts for a number of years, no matter how they try for a full-time position, will always be considered as "adjunct material." I experienced this at a prominent university in Boston this summer. I interviewed with them in June, and earlier this month they offered me an adjunct spot, and were willing to give me full time hours. However, when I applied for a full time spot that opened up in the meantime (there were 2 spots, actually), they declined to even bring me in for a second interview. This tells me something - perhaps I've reached that point. Not that I will give up entirely on academia, but I may well have to realize the truth of it. And truth be told, I'm not convinced that teaching is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Yes, EVERYTHING is getting shaken up!

And what I have found to be a much more meaningful use of my time, and what I am most inclined to do... is to write. It feels like a job, now, not something I cram in between other shit I have to do. So for the remainder of the summer I'm a writer first, all else second. This has worked out well - I finished revisions to the sci fi and will do revisions on my 1950s coming of age story for a writer's group in late August. Deadlines are good for me.

Another exciting development is Bizarro's passion for reorganizing his life at home - he's been reading magazines and websites about how to organize your stuff, and we both have the same Mid-century Modern swank sensibilities, which works out well for our shared living space. The energy in here is getting shaken up and it feels GOOD!

Oh and a small note but with fabulous results - I have one of those drop-chandelier things (not with crystals, it's black faux-wrought iron) in the room where I write. I replaced the little bulbs with Reveal Light bulbs that mimic daylight's colors instead of giving off that sickly yellow. It has made my writing nook more comfortable and I don't feel my eye balls falling out of my head after a couple hours here. Next job will be to get a proper desk lamp. Let there be light!

As someone once said, "change is good."

Mixed Bag

On the up side: met with a fellow adjunct-around-town for coffee this evening. Turns out we both interviewed for that community college full-time position and neither of us really wanted it because we both had not-so-favorable impressions. I think we'll be pals.

On the down side: had a large coffee around 6:30 so I may have a hard time falling asleep tonight.

On the up side: sent out another job application.

On the down side: there was a deadline for said job application, which was last Friday. They reposted that job from a couple months ago, so I'm hoping they're desperate enough to look at me even though I'm a bit late to the party. (You know what I mean.)

On the up side: did my 8 Minutes In The Morning exercises and went on my walk today (week 2 of the exercises, day 3 of the Daily Walk).

On the down side: didn't go swimming; took a nap because of sinus/toof pain that lingers still despite pain meds

On the up side: eating fresh pineapple right now

On the down side: toof pain so all I had to eat tonight is pineapple and a hard boiled egg.

On the up side: The patio has been marvelous.

On the down side: Smoking Boy neighbor and his girlfriend had a fight that started last night and picked up this morning around 7:00. Complete with yelling and slamming doors and "get the fuck out of my house" rejoinders. If it happens again tonight I will lodge a formal complaint.

Yep, that about covers it.

Settling In

Feeling a little more at ease this morning. I am really looking forward to teaching my class and getting back into a real schedule. Got up at a respectable hour this morning on the way to a busy day that will include but is not limited to: finalizing a syllabus and a couple lesson plans for the week, working on my Live Adventure character (live action role playing game I do once a year), and doing some form of exercise, depending on what today's weather offers. Also grocery shopping and a review of our household budget with Bizarro. (It's tough to have a solid budget when my income tends to change every few months.)

It's a quiet morning; I'm feeling fairly peaceful at the moment. Remembering a dream I had last night in which I was at some kind of special training in a huge mansion-like house, but I can't remember what the training was for. Anyway, the person running the program was a crazy bitch, and I soon found myself on her bad side, along with one of the other students who tried to get me in trouble and generally make my life miserable. Finally I just said screw it, got up, started packing my bags. Suddenly the student who had it out for me started being nice and helped me pack, even a bit sad that I was going. It was weird. I am weird.

Time to make the coffee.

In Memorium

Today's about catching up the last week lost to The Sickness. Housework, laundry, and also getting a reading picked out for Mom's interment this Friday. Big Bro and his Wiffen are arriving on Wednesday, so I want the place to be ready for them. Peege and Beck are here Thursday, staying in a hotel. I am really looking forward to having my family around me again.

And of course I'm chomping at the bit to get to Mass. We've decided not to waste over $700 on an eleven-year-old car that keeps cropping up new problems. If I get this job I'm waiting for, I will purchase a good pre-owned car and leave this one to Bizarro for in-town driving. It is more economical to rent a used car via the place we've done before and have a safe, solid car to drive out in. I had thought to ride with Peege and family and rent a wreck when I got to Mass, but I need the alone time that driving can offer me. Road-tripping with my bad self.

I am ready for adventure, new sights, new experiences, new thoughts, new feelings, new insights. Let the Games begin!

I have arranged to spend some time at a surf shop in Scituate to do some research for the TV pilot I'm still working up. Gotta get some real-life people to inspire this thing. Also going to take a stab at writing a rom com this summer, which is way out of my comfort zone, but I need to change things up from the artsy/fantasy stuff for a bit. My manager friend says my idea so far is pretty conventional, so I need to spice it up. And you know in rom com spice often = raunch. Not so sure how well I can write raunch. I'll get back to you on that.

My Spirit Name

Tree Bender.

Sanctioned by a Lakota Medicine Man, chosen by yours truly after my love of Inipi-building.

It would be wise to heed mercury in retrograde, y'all. This means communications, travel and appointments are gummed up. Fabulous. Just in time for my job interview on the 19th. I must be as Bruce Lee advises:

Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.

One time I told an ex-boyfriend of mine about the mercury in retrograde thing and his response was "Way to be limited." I said, "No you don't get it. You don't stop doing things you just have to be more attentive to details that can get snarled up, and be prepared to maybe wade through a bit more annoyance than usual."

So I should follow my own advice in these coming weeks. Mercury goes direct on May 31.

An off-beat day. Not sure why. Looking forward to Yoga tonight, then I really must go grocery shopping so there's something to eat around here.

I've been trying to get a vacation organized and haven't been able to decide where to stay. North Shore or South Shore? Quantity or quality? What do I want to get out of my time? Money is of course tight, especially since I worked out how little I will actually be getting paid for the summer course I'm teaching. I may well have to do some tutoring on the side to pay for my trip, which is also fine.

I've thought about going with Priceline.com to book a hotel, but I'm afraid of this kind of thing happening:


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Sunny

Today was sunny inside and out. Had a lovely time at the farmers market this morning, got a new pair of casual sandals, tasted wedding cake with PMP, then went on a walk in one of the many gorges in this part of the state (also with PMP). Now watching the Red Sox beating the Yankees (13-11 bottom of the 8th). I plan to get some frozen yogurt when the game's done and watch "Rushmore" later.

Last night saw "Wristcutters," which is a brilliant dark romantic comedy. My goal is to watch more films this summer, in theatres and on DVD. This is to feed my own writing, as well as to inform my teaching.

My manager friend in LA is interested in representing me with a couple more saleable scripts under my belt. I gotta get a romantic comedy and something thriller-ish to add to the sci fi. Then I can get out to LA for meetings when the time comes. I'm really pumped!

Things are starting to feel like they're coming together. My phone interview with the community college went pretty well yesterday, I think. I know that even if don't get that job, I have a new in-road into the English department there, and there looks to be possibility of a screenwriting class where I teach now, so I'm not too worried.

I still have some personal things to work out for myself, though, and I'm planning on taking some time at the beginning of June while I'm in Mass for a change of scenery and a chance to do some soul-searching. As soon as the semester is over I'm doing a complete cleanse and detox program. Oh, and also I am happy to say my exercise regime (PMP!) is going well. It's all about taking care of myself, and getting back that which I lost over the last year or two (mental, physical, emotional health).

Boston is now up 16-11 bottom of the 8th!

Had a couple days that were very much OFF the mark. But I'm feeling a little less bother-ed. I am back to the gym tomorrow. Also meeting up with my former Korean tutor for dinner; I wish I could afford to get more lessons but oh well.

My latest script is starting to take form. Working on the outline and character descriptions now. Writing and reading my students' work are the only things keeping me sane right now, if truth be told. I am looking forward to my writing group's meeting on Monday. I think that will do a lot to help me feel more like a person with a plan and a goal, rather than a slug with a trail of slime behind me.