Send in the clowns..er, 2010.

Winding down 2009, which has been a year of great transformation, challenges, some new opportunities, and new friendships. I've renewed my interest (read: obsession) with the work of Rod Serling, returned to my roots in sci fi writing, and forged a new partnership with my husband. It has also held the deepest sorrow I could ever have imagined, with a Momazoo-shaped hole in my life. One thing is for certain; I am ready to say good-bye to 2009, but I choose to usher it out with a smile and a hearty "thank you" for the many and myriad opportunities to practice Dharma.

I welcome 2010, the first year of the second decade of the 21st century, with a child-like enthusiasm, a feeling of humble dedication towards making the most out of every opportunity that comes my way. In that spirit, I'm doing away with lists of intentions or resolutions. There is only this one: To celebrate and make the most of every moment of this precious human birth. No wasted time, no wasted opportunities, no matter how small. Every moment to be lived with intention, no matter what the intention, rather than passively letting time and life flow past. This means making choices in all things, from what script to develop, to what to wear to work, to how I eat, to how much time is spent in front of the TV, to what time to get up in the morning, to meditating at my shrine, to what ways I can make City on the Edge of Forever work for me, instead of allowing myself to be depressed and defeated by it.

I wish everyone a healthy new year with plenty of opportunity and intentions of your own. Thank you for reading my burblings on Fred In The Can. Be safe tonight, all you partiers.

Ed! to the rescue

So as you know, I was feeling down and out today. I got on ye olde Facebooke and had a chat with my dear Dharma friend Ed! in Columbus. He tipped me off to a very cool thing: my constant illnesses, one after the other, may well be a ripening of karma. Now, this isn't to say that I shouldn't keep striving for a healthier immune system, etc. but somehow this puts a spin on things that helps me to relax. "The Rinpoches," he wrote, "would tell you to get all Tonglen-y with it." Tonglen is a beautiful practice of dedicating the merit of your own suffering to the elimination of the suffering of others (in a nutshell). It takes the emphasis off your own pain, and puts it into a much larger context. And on a karmic level, it helps to purify that negative icky stuff.

Now for those of my tiny readership that don't buy into the laws of karma or Dharma, hey that's cool. If nothing else, getting the focus off the "me" is never a bad thing; it produces a more compassionate person.

So hey, it's hep to have a runny nose! It's cool to sneeze all over the place! Out with the mucus already! Sore throats make the world go 'round! Sinuses are the chambers of goodness and universal harmony! Cold sores are, well those are kinda nasty, but harbingers of good things to come nonetheless!

Opportunity Knocks

Yesterday on my evening walk, I had one of my "Duh" moments. "Duh" because a piece of inspiration or wisdom hits me and then it seems something that I should have realized ages ago.

It occurred to me that life is nothing but a series of opportunities. When bad shit happens, it's an opportunity to choose between two reactions. Column A: the serenity prayer, anger turned to motivation to effect positive change, a chance to be honest about the causes of the situation, seeing the ways to learn and grow, remain present and let the experience make you more human, and ultimately, more compassionate. Or, Column B: anger turned to bitterness, hardening your heart, becoming selfish and turning away from our true nature. Every single challenge in life is really this opportunity presenting itself again and again in different forms.

And when good things happen, they are also opportunities: to either take and take and not think about it, or to be grateful, and find ways to share the fortune.

Opportunities are everywhere - sometimes we just don't see them. Or we have to make them, instead of waiting for them to smack us on the forehead and say "Helloooo! I'm over heeee-rrrre!"

So yeah - a new view of the world. Not so new really - Buddhists have been teaching this kind of stuff for a couple thousand years. Pema Chodron's books "When Things Fall Apart" and "Start Where You Are" are full of this kind of wisdom. Funny that it took this long for it to sink in, and now I have to continually remind myself when I feel my anger and selfishness creeping in.

Reflection

So -- the semester is over and I am officially on winter break. This week I have taken time to work on a couple outstanding issues and have also allowed myself to sleep in. My body is craving sleep.

I've also started meditating again, and it has helped tremendously. I need to keep up that practice even - especially - when things get hairy.

I had an epiphany in the car on the way to mom's the other day. I realized that a lot of my hardship springs from a deeply-seated and unconscious attempt to blame myself for just about everything. My current situation isn't ideal, but it's not horrible or hopeless. Nevertheless, I've been flagellating myself psychologically for somehow being at fault for the current situation. In other words, blaming myself for making bad decisions that have led me to a disasterous present. This faulty thinking assumes two things, incorrectly: 1. the present is a disaster and 2. I could've made better decisions.

I know I had tough choices to make, but I honestly don't feel that I made any bad choices in the last 5 years. Some of those choices Bizarro and I made together, like coming here to I-town, and I don't regret a single one of them.

So what the fuck am I beating myself up for? I've actually made strides in the last few years. Just because I'm not living in a mansion or have 3 kids doesn't mean I've somehow made poor choices.

I am living the life of an academic - and it ain't an easy life. That's just a fact. It's not because I did anything wrong or have incurred the Wrath of the Universe which is therefore punishing me. That's ridiculous - and yet there has been a train of thought running around my brain that's been telling me just that. Consequently, I've been feeling worse about everything that has happened in the last few months.
I've taken it all very personally, which is so un-Buddhist-like that I have to laugh at my own folly!

Ever hear of The Four Agreements? One of them is to not take anything personally. That's a big one for me, since I seem to take EVERYTHING personally.

Moving forward, then, I agree not to take things personally and remember that "life is suffering" which means I don't have to blame myself for every little bump and hairpin turn that comes along. That's not to say I shouldn't be responsible or make decisions carefully - these I already do - but since I do, I need to not cling to the illusion that I can somehow fuck it up by being who I am.

Saka Dawa

Today is a holiday in the Tibetan Buddhist calendar: Saka Dawa.

I attended the puja at Namgyal (see the link above). Finally, after living in Ithaca for 2 years, I made my way down to Namgyal, and met the office manager with whom I've been emailing for months. I am hoping to get a little scholarship from them to attend a summer class for 4 weeks. As long as I don't have a dreadful boring temp job, I've decided that this time is a gift. I will hopefully be able to take that class, go to the open meditation sessions, and also attend to my creative work.

Yesterday I spent all day working on the EFL in Korea film, and I realized that this time and space I have over the summer is meant to be spent doing things I love.

I heard unofficially that my recent employer might actually want me back to teach this fall, after all. Can you imagine? After all I've been through... and lo and behold, they may still have need of lil' ole me. It would be a great way to spend the fall while I continue searching for more permanent work.

I am almost embarrassed for the depths of despair I allowed myself to visit in recent weeks. I got my attitude adjusted, and suddenly things seem 100% different - it's all perspective. Much of my attitude improvement is due to Lama Kathy, but also from an absolute must-have book: When Things Fall
Apart, by Pema Chodron. Maybe I've even mentioned it on this blog before. As many times as I've read it, it finally REALLY hit home this time.

On this day of Saka Dawa, meritorious actions and prayers are multiplied a thousand fold. Om Mani Padme Hum. May All Beings Benefit!