The calm before the storm. Mid term stuff is done, and we're heading into that pre-Thanksgiving stretch, after which the shit will hit the fan and academics all across the nation will be going to sleep with a bottle of gin and waking up with a twelver-pot of hi-test coffee. Followed by two weeks of coma.

Things are getting interesting. Not teaching at the Other School on the Hill next semester, and will be getting expanded hours at the tutoring job. Not sure how I feel about all that yet, other than the fact that I'm damn happy to have a job, period.

Some recent realizations of major import:

1. Fear of success stemming from childhood shit that has recently been up in my face and making me realize that I have really been standing in the way of my Awesome Writing Career. More like playing interference against myself.

2. "It doesn't matter where you start; it only matters where you finish." I really love Apolo Ohno for saying this, and for being such an awesome inspiration. I caught his Tweet this morning about being on the Today show, so I tuned in and saw him before going to my 9-hour day at the tutoring center. Really put me in a good mood and helped me get through the day.

3. I don't have to believe everything I think.

4. The Count Basie Orchestra is fucking phenomenal. Saw them live the other night and it made me think how incredibly awesome it must be to create a legacy that lasts for 75 years and in fact outlasts you.

5. Cats can be sluts, too.

Also, I joined Planet Fitness but have yet to go because I got my pehr-ee-odd and couldn't move for a couple days. Will be heading over there this Friday after work. Watch my muscles bulge! I better not grunt or they'll kick me out. How much of a loser one would have to be to get kicked out of a Planet Fitness.

aaaand we're back

Semester nearly wrecked me. Just have grades to turn in and one more frakking "retreat" to attend, then it will be over. I've already begun working on summer projects, including prep for teaching at Hanyang University in Korea. Oh yeah, I spent hours last night and this morning searching for my passport, which I found in the same box I'd looked in four times, at least. I finally had the bright idea of lifting the see-through plastic box and looking through the bottom, and there it was, buried in all the crap I'd thrown in over the last 3 years.

And now this:


see more Political Pictures

I'm feeling a bit out of sorts today. I don't know if it's actual cold or simply exhaustion. Yesterday threw me for a loop. I was supposed to go to a retreat for work that was supposed to end at 1:00. My coworkers decided it should go until "whenever" but neglected to tell me this, so at 1:00 I was pumped to jump in my car and head back to civilization. We'd had our meeting at someone's lovely country house but godDAMN people, how do you live in the middle of BFE? I don't understand how you even get out of your f'ing driveway in winter! Anyway, imagine my embarrassed fury when I was informed that the others were heading back to campus to "finish" our retreat. WTF? No one bothered to apologize, but someone did have the presence of mind to admit "This is the worst-planned retreat, ever." Yeah. Something like that. All that is to say that what I'd planned for the rest of the day was thrown out the window, and I arrived home after 4:00 feeling like a piece of over-cooked spaghetti. I have a feeling that that, coupled with the extensive rip-apart-my-apartment search for the passport, has left me feeling less-than today.

Which is really inconvenient since tomorrow I am going to be time-keeping in the penalty box for the local roller derby league's bout. It's my debut, and I'm pissed that I am not feeling well. I can only hope and pray that all the remedies I've shoved down my pie-hole all day and a good night's sleep will mend me for tomorrow.

Will let you all know how it goes.

On the way.

It's February, which means March is almost here. March has many good things. It has my birthday, my wedding anniversary with Bizarro (5 years), and Spring Break, for which I am headed to the land of my birthing (South Shore of Boston).

The new schedule is starting to feel a little more sane. I am not worried about it at this point. I am happy as a clam to have all this work and to have a plan for summer (teach screenwriting in Korea).

Here we go...

I am really quite peeved that I've caught another virus (cold). WTF? I'm doing everything right, I'm getting acupuncture to strengthen my immune system, and STILL I get sick. I've about had it with this body. I'm ready to trade it in for a better model. Sleeker, stronger, less weepy, and with working joints.

This is the last week of classes at both colleges, so I can't be out again. It's final script reading and grammar review time, respectively, and I need to be here for this work. I just need to make it through another week (with finals) and then I'll be on break.

Ahh winter break, that wonderful time where I get to catch up on sleep and writing, in which I don't get paid for a month. There will be no Xmas presents this year. There will be no sending out 50 xmas cards, either. My immediate family gets cards, and that's it. I'd rather call the people who are far away that I think about at the holidays.

I don't know how people with kids do it. I can barely keep myself running; I couldn't imagine having to be in charge of small human beings keeping their shit together as well. Especially in this day and age.

Okay, here's my list of things I want to do/see/eat in Cleveland approximately two weeks from now (in no particular order)

+ Cleveland Museum of Art
+ Caribou Coffee (to hang out and write)
+ Alesci's Italian Grocery and Deli - Capicola and sausage! (And can I just say I'm so fucking sick of the yokel-locals around here insisting on calling it "cappa-cola." Plebes.)
+ Christmas lights downtown
+ Visit my friend Pat H., one of the teachers from my trip to China in '04. That woman can DRINK!
+ Play Scrabble with my sister-in-law, so that the Moning (Tagalog for kitteh) can sit herself in the middle of the board and mess up the tiles.
+ Make lasagna for my Filipino family.
+ Go to one of the swanky bars on 6th and sing that Cleveland tourism video song "It's the perfect place if you're a douchebag."
+ Drive around the Flats and sing that other Cleveland tourism video song "The Flats look like a Scooby Doo ghost-town."

The sea of love

I've been swimming every day this week - either the pool or the lake. My arms and shoulders know it; I feel great!

Yesterday I tried to go swimming at the pool but there was no lifeguard on duty. Because we had showers earlier in the day, they thought it was fine to send the lifeguard home and save some bucks, apparently. Whatever. I stopped at the apartment for my car keys and headed out to the lake beach that is not too far from civilization (the suburbs). I was the only swimmer there, with a new storm cell rolling in. The lifeguard and his buddy looked dubious. I swam out and got a couple playful laps in before it started raining and the wind whipped up. There was no lightning and thunder, and I think I could have stayed in the water, but I didn't want to keep the lifeguard out there in the elements just so I could have a mystical experience swimming in the lake during a rain storm.

By the time I got out, there were whitecaps forming. I drove to another area of the park so that I could sit and watch the water. In the right conditions even a Finger Lake seems to have a personality.

Bizarro and I figure we'll be here for another three years or so; he's going to go for his M.S. and I'm just going to write and work my ass off so that we can build a brighter future. This means making best friends with the Finger Lake that's practically in our backyard. I want to know everything there is to know about the lake so that I can write some kind of crazy memoir about my life on the lake and the mystical path of awakening that these waters have afforded me.

Shoot, what else is there to do in the City on the Edge of Forever?

Fr. M's Boots

So as you know, faithful readership (all 5 of you), I am doing the hauskleening for the rectory this summer. Very sadly, Fr. M, the pastor, died on Monday of cancer. It's a weird week to start back up at the Chorch. Tomorrow's the funeral. What was really weird was that today as my coworker was showing me where everything is and what I'll have to do at the house, I had to go into Fr. M's room. His motorcycle boots are still sitting by the front door. Those first few days after someone passes are so difficult when you are faced with their belongings and the trappings of their lives here on this earth. I was fond of Fr. M but had no close bond with him; still, it was a strange thing to be there today. Luckily I had plenty to keep me busy, cleaning up after the other priests in the house.

I'll be going Monday, Thursday and Friday, and walking to work when I can (which I did today). Made the mistake of not wearing my orthotics, though, so my right foot is very unhappy with me at the moment.

Well it's time for bed. Will be happy for tomorrow morning to be over. I'm not looking forward to another funeral Mass, even if it is being said by the Bishop himself.

Today I put $15 down to layaway a $135 pair of Naot sandals. Not because I wanted to. See, I've discovered that the flip-flop type shoe, even the expensive ones and the Birks (which I have), aggravate my ankles (remember I sprained bofe o' dose suckers last year). So add another tick to the list of my fucked up feet: messed up ankles, pronation, fallen arches, skinny heels, deformed second toe on my right foot. It's a miracle I wear sandals at all. For years I kept the toes of my right foot tucked under when barefoot to hide that toe. If I could have bound my foot Chinese style, I would have. Then a few years ago I had the revelation that that toe needs love, too, and that it's MY toe and my foot would look much weirder without it. I started painting my toes and letting that toe hang out of any sandal it wanted to. I let it off the leash. At first it would run screaming into the night and get all wasted and shit, only to drag itself back at three a.m. and vow never to touch rum again. But since then it's calmed down and pretty much stays at home with the other toes.

GOOD GOD that's the longest tangent I think I've ever written.

Back to the Naots. Right. So I tried on 5 other pairs of different styles and brands (all of which were way less expensive) but of course as soon as I tried on the Naots my feet let out an audible sigh. Arch support, no flip-flop action with a nice back strap, not too high, classy enough to teach in and not look like some crazy ESL lady with lace-up orthotics, polyester slacks, a dickie and a sweater vest. With plastic ball drop earings. Clip ons. And a schrunchie.

So in about 2.5 years I should be able to finish making monthly payments of... let's see... $4.33 per month... and I'll be all set with my sandals for work.

See the reason I want sandals for work is because I may have a line on a summer teaching job at a reputable university in the greater Boston area and I don't want to look like a podunk. And I also don't want to sprain my ankles again wearing insufficient shoes. This means, of course, that I'll have to step up the monthly payments so I can have them by this June instead of 2012.

The things we women do for our careers. Oh by the way, the color of the shoes (if you're interested): "metal." My bizarre and mis-matched wardrobe (or whatever's left of it that I can fit into) sports both blacks and warm tones, and I couldn't very well afford a pair of black Naots AND a pair of brown ones, so I went with some nondescript, brushed-metallic looking color that better not suck when I actually bring them home and hold it up to an actual outfit. They looked great with my jeans and a tee-shirt, though.

Surf's Up!

My obsession with surfing and windsurfing continues. Got myself on the listserv for the local windsurfing club, and have been reading voraciously. Went to the Ginormous Liberry Sale and picked up a couple used books on surfing, one on windsurfing, and one on Yoga. (I loves me the Ginormous Liberry Sale).

So yesterday I did the deed, finally. I spoke with my supervisor about my unhappiness with the full-time position and she was very gracious and understanding, and said she wasn't totally surprised. She knew when I went full-time that I may not like it, but figured she'd keep me for as long as possible. She indicated there may be a possibility to cut me back to 2 days a week like I was before, if they can hire a good person for the other 3. That would be ideal, since I have two sections to teach next semester, but we shall see. In any event, things feel much lighter for me now.

Unfortunately, this week was made more stressful by the fact that Mom went into the hospital on Monday, but she's coming home tomorrow. First she was to go home yesterday, then they pushed it to "the weekend" and finally we found out this morning that they're springing her tomorrow. I will spend tomorrow and overnight in Elmira and get her to dialysis on Monday morning before heading back to the City on the Edge of Forever. Thankfully, Monday is a holiday so I don't have to work and I can be there for Mom in the pinch.

And THEN on Thursday I'm off to Mass! Found another Tiki-themed restuarant to hit while I'm out there. I'll be sure to file a report when I get back.

Today is GLORIOUS and we spent a lovely morning at the farmers' market before hitting the book sale. I'm getting to all the things that have lain moldy all week - laundry, haus kleening, shopping, etc. today. Will chill out this evening with my man (Bizarro, that is) and my surfing books.

A few things to look forward to in the coming months:

Massachusetts: Family, beach, Tiki, Place Where I Was Birthed.

Halloween - we're going on a "haunted tour" of our fair city and will be doing so in costume. I'm pretty sure I'll be the Queen of Hearts (I've always wanted to do that) and Bizarro nabbed himself a Burger King mask (creepy).

Mom's Move - it won't be fun, but the work is worth the enjoyment we'll receive afterwards.

Thanksgiving - to Cleveland! Filipino food and all our favorite Cleveland places: Caribou Coffee, Chipotle, and the frozen Erie shore.

New Year's - to Cleveland again! And on the way we are stopping at the Splash Lagoon overnight for a faux-tropical paradise with many Tiki elements to soak up.

For the moment, I feel like I can breathe again, and there's a great wave coming in for me to ride!

Oh I'm workin' my way back to you babe...

With a burning love inside...

Oh, maybe that's just heartburn from ALL THE FREAKING STRESS.

It's okay, though. I'm okay. I stayed home last night instead of going to either Yoga or counseling and "burrowed," which means I did some light housekeeping and then wrapped up in a blanket and read my books on surfing, then watched the Red Sox win the ALDS East. Wah-hoo!

On a very sad note, my sister-in-law's father died yesterday morning. I am sending lots of prayers and hugs to her and her family. He was a very funny guy and I liked him a lot. He and his wife were very welcoming to me and my Mom when we visited out there (in Mass.) and I know he will be missed by many.

I am trying to remain positive in the face of a lot of uncertainty and unfortunate news. It doesn't help that today at the chorch will the be third funeral in as many weeks (and each of them old ladies).

This is a rough time but I know I'll get through it. The good news is that I am starting to feel more at home here in our little City on the Edge of Forever (Star Trek reference for those who care). I am starting to feel like I have real potential here, and I am finding activities and people who suit me. These are all slow in coming, but they are coming, and I am starting to relax about the idea of being here for at least the next few years, if not Forever. We'll see how things pan out after Bizarro gets his master's degree and where we think we're headed.

In the meantime, I am finding ways to beat the winter blues, which means investing in some really good outerwear, a light box, Yoga, and eventually swimming at the Y, which I intend to start up once I've paid Mom's way into the assisted living place.

I will be giving my notice at the church in a couple weeks; a conversation I am not looking forward to. The more I put it off, the harder it becomes, and I knew this would be the case, which is why I wanted to do it a few weeks ago. But, with Mercury in Retrograde, I'm glad I didn't try to do it sooner.

Okay, time to get ready for work (speak of the devil in Pope's clothing).

Over it

I guess all my heart-wrenching drama has played itself out because I woke up this morning not feeling stressed by the prospect of quitting. I guess I got it out of my system. I will do it when the time is right and I am guessing that will be mid-October.

Feeling a whole lot better on the amoxacillan. Got some good stuff done today and will have a busy weekend catching up on work and helping Mom with getting rid of more crap.

JET was scheduled for her C-section this morning, and she'd promised to have her sister email and let people know... I'm dying to find out how it went. It's so weird - JET and I grew up together, so she's my age, and this is her first (and only) child. It's just a strange feeling - but a good one!

"I forgot all about your needs; I was too busy tending to my own."

This awesome quote from Aqua Teen Hunger Force seems to be a reigning theme of the week. I've experienced a distressing lack of boundaries, disrespect for my hallowed and well-deserved yet puny 30 minute lunch break, and the stink eye from a fellow customer who clearly felt I needed to get out of her way so she could do her business.

What the hell, people? First of all, there's this thing called CIVILITY which used to be a mark of CIVILIZATION. Secondly, a person's lunch is SACRED. You're a liberal, don't you realize how hard the unions fought for that? Jeezuz!

It's okay; I kept telling myself today that every time someone treats me like an inferior admininstrative assistant with no human rights, it will be that much easier to walk away from the job when the time comes. I've been wracked with guilt at the thought of "betraying" my boss who HAS been incredibly wonderful to me in so many ways. Then my space gets stepped on by the Flying Nun, or the Jersey Girl interrupts my lunch to get a message off the answering service, and I remember why I'm not happy there. Oh, and also, I'm not a freaking secretary - I'm a TEACHER and a WRITER.

Last night Paranormal State was a repeat, which was a bummer. But next week they go chasing UFOs (with Chip Coffey!) for their mid-season finale. Stoke!

I am cooking up a kick-ass sauce with a base of hot turkey Italian sassage, sauted onions and garlic with sherry, and some organic tomatoes. Can't wait to eat when Bizarro gets home!

Last thing - I want to recommend that everyone see the film "Tampopo," a Japanese foody flick so-called a "noodle Western." It's fun, kooky, and will make you hungry (esp. if you like Japanese food)!

Looking Up

Things are looking up - I've got 2 sections of advanced screenwriting to teach next semester! And still waiting to hear about a possible ESL class at a community college. I am ready to give my desk job the boot to the head.

It's almost a full moon (next week). Which makes this so appropriate: Ways in Which The Future Has Failed Me.

Gotta get ready for class.

Departures & Arrivals

I am pleased to see this past week departing into the mists of the Past. It was not, by any measure, a particularly good week. But I'm not complaining, and I'll tell you why later.

It was a short week, last Monday being Labor Day, but that only added to the stress of going back to the chorch job on Tuesday with a day less in which to do all my work (mind you, the boss is still on vacation, so I'm still doing all the extra crap for her), plus the fact that the semester has begun so I am gone Wed. and Fri. afternoons.

Then on Thursday I called Mom in the morning and she was on her way out to the E.R. because she'd fallen again (4th time this year). Nothing broken this time - just an ugly gash in her upper arm that had to get stitched. I brought her her home after the 3 hour hurry-up-and-wait E.R. discharged her, and then spent the rest of the day doing housework and laundry and cooking for her (normally her Home Health Aide does that work but the woman had taken Mom to the E.R. and waited with her until I arrived). I drove home around 8:00 p.m. exhausted. Mom is doing just fine now, and we are both really looking forward to her move to assisted living next month (which is moving forward nicely).

But Friday was actually a decent day - a good day, in fact - and this is why I'm not complaining. I was able to finish out a stresful week on a good note and not let the whole thing get my pants in a twist. I am grateful that I finish my weeks teaching - I have a good class and I enjoy it SO much. I then have quiet time in my office at the end of day on Friday to get caught up on stuff for school and just sort of wind down the day's activity. I went home and found the pool was still open, so I spent about an hour there, swimming and lounging and reading, enjoying the late-summer vibes. As I sat in the whirlpool jets on the shallow end, I admitted that I was ready to accept the end of summer and welcomed late summer to my personal world. I decided last year and I confirm that decision that late summer is my favorite time of year.

Later Friday night PMP called me back from earlier in the day and we had dinner at our favorite Korean restaurant in town and had a lovely walk in the warm evening air. It was nice to catch up and have some time downtown.

I am looking forward to seeing how things shape up for the chorch job - this first month, I have to admit, was probably atypical. The first 2 weeks had the learning curve of the full-time hours and the other parts of the job I hadn't been doing before, then my boss was out for 2 weeks (with me still shaky on a few things) such that I had extra work. Now I've been doing it for a month and she comes back tomorrow, so perhaps things won't seem so freaking annoying as I get into a routine.

That doesn't change the fact that I am hoping to depart that job if my community college teaching opportunities arrive as I have been told they will.

So all in all - I am in a good place and feeling just about ready to take on the new week arriving shortly. Today I have some nesting to do, and some writing, and I intend to make the most of it.

Well don't that take the cake

As my head was spinning around at the Chorch Job today, my boss going on vaca for 2 weeks and waiting until today to give me all the niggling stupid pieces of the job I have to do for her while she's out (not entirely her fault as we were betrayed by the copy machine on Wed and Thurs in the middle of a humungous mailing and had to bunt), I got a call from a local community college wanting me to teach an ESL class this semester.

I really just wanted to jam my letter opener through my ears at that point.

I had to turn her down. I have a desk job and I had to turn down a teaching job because the teaching jobs only last a semester and then I'm out on my ass again with no paycheck.

However, I think the community college woman felt sorry for me, working a desk job to pay bills, and asked if I would teach American students. I said, "Sure would. Already did, last spring, first year comp." So she said she'd talk to the English department and see if they might need me in spring. Dude, if I can get some semi-regular teaching gigs with them, as well as the summer program at the School on the Hill, I won't have to be a desk jockey for the Chorch the rest of my life.

Fingers crossed. And toes. And eyes. I actually said a prayer at the altar in the Chorch today when I went over there to drop off bulletins (okay, but I did a Buddhist bow and prayed to the Universe and my favorite Bodhisattva - in a Cat'lic Chorch). My reality - it is strange but true. (It felt oddly comforting, and to be frank, it wasn't the first time I'd done so.)

Life Begins at 40

I know this is a cliche, and I'm sorry for that, but it happens to be true.

I'm just back from an hour-long walk in the woods. When I entered the wood, I was feeling a bit down about my life journey. Feeling bad that I'm reliant upon a desk job to make a living - AGAIN - at the age of 40. "What have I accomplished, exactly? Why don't I get the breaks every one else gets?" -- that kind of thing.

I emerged from the wood, after meditating and talking out loud to myself and the trees, with a few key insights:

1. I need to define my vision. Then set goals, and make a road map (with the understanding that anything can change at any time, as is the way of life). Y'know that really annoying question they always ask in job interviews: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? in 10? I always answered it with some bullshit I figured they wanted to hear so that I could just get the damned job and pay my bills (and I usually ended up quitting in 6 mos to a year because I was miserable and misplaced). Anyway, so I realized that I really have to make a 5- and 10-year plan. At first this seemed daunting, because I wasn't sure what good it would do me. After all, I'm already 40...

2. I've only been in the work force about 18 years, after graduating college (actually, less than that - 13 years with the combined 5 years of grad schools). So I need to cut myself some slack. I may not be where I *think* I should be, but what is this *should* anyway? The rate I'm going, I won't be retiring until 65-70 anyway. A 10-year plan only puts me at 50, and 50 is not old! The people I know at 50, nearing 50, or past 50, are vibrant, amazing individuals who are still going strong. What do I have to fear? NOTHING! Here all this time I've been thinking that I may as well throw in the towel and get a lobotomy 'cause at 40 it's half over so who cares? How silly!

3. I have learned SO much in the last 20 years, and I'm just about to come into my own, here. My 40s are going to rock~

So I am defining a concise vision statement, and making clear my 5- and 10- year goals. Suddenly, I don't feel like I'm spinning my wheels. The desk job doesn't seem meaningless and pointless. The rest of my life has just opened up to me - it's like looking through an old wooden gate that's just been busted open, and there is light streaming all over the place from the other side. I just have to walk into it.

ADDENDUM:

I just did a quick Google search for "Life begins at 40" and most of what I found were either comic strips that were lampooning turning 40 ("Believing life begins at 40, Dave decided to take it easy for the first 39") or some woman declaring that you can still be sexy at 40, after all look at Sharon Stone and Jamie Lee Curtis. Even if your boobs are a little lower than they were at 21, you can still turn a few heads, so all is right with the world.

These two examples of how our culture treats turning 40 are exactly why I've had such issues with this whole thing. I don't equate my self-worth with being a bombshell (and anyways, anyone can look like those women with enough liposuction and plastic surgery!) and I need to stop thinking of my first 39 years as a colossal waste of time - this kind of poisoned thinking has done enough harm already!

New shit has come to light

Had a good counseling session yesterday, which uncovered a couple interesting things. A lot of the trauma I'm feeling with Mom's mortality is very much linked to the 11-year-old me who didn't get to grieve Dad.

I have a memory from his interment at the cemetery. Somehow, I wasn't up front next to Mom, where I should have been. My only memory of the graveside service is staring at someone's suited back. I was BEHIND someone, not allowed to partake in the ceremony, as it were.

Fast forward 4 years to my grandmother's deathbed. She had been in a nursing home for quite awhile, and they had called the whole family in, for her death was imminent. We were crashed out in lounges and such until the moment came, then we all crowded in her room, and she died. I was COMPLETELY freaked out and did NOT want to be there. One of the Salvation Army ladies who was close with my extended family, but not close to me or my Mom, tried to hug me and literally had to force me over to the bedside. I didn't want to be next to my dead grandmother, but I was FORCED to because someone else thought they knew what was best for me.

So there you have it- everyone else knowing what was best for me as a child trying to comprehend a tremendous loss, with no support for real grieving.

Here I am at 40, uncovering these horrible memories and watching my mom deteriorate, knowing that she only has a few years, if that, left. I am working really hard to make my time with her meaningful. Sometimes I look at her and see slices of times past - remember the person she was. My job is to accept her for who she is NOW, age, disease, and all, and be thankful that I have had her this long in my life. Unlike when I was 11 and 15, I DO have control over how I experience the end of her life and her death, and I have so much more support and so many resources that I didn't have as a kid.

------------
I have to drive to Auburn now to attend a ridiculous workshop for the chorch job (how not to molest children, I assume). It looks like the chorch job will be able to meet my minimum wage requirement (which isn't saying much - it's barely enough to get by on with my huge student loan payment that starts up in January again). However, they are willing to let me teach next summer, which will help make ends meet. I'm still hoping one day we can buy a house. If I have a job that doesn't go away every 3-4 months, the banks will be more willing to look at us, I hope.

No snappy titles tonight. I am exhausted. Spent the day at Momazoos, cleaning out her car so it can be towed away by the junk yard tomorrow, and we went to BK for dinner (Mom's idea - she hasn't had a hamburger in ages). Mom is now one of thousands of homebound folks who dont' go out because they can't drive any more, so I want to make sure she gets out as much as possible.

Went to the assisted living place on Friday and was duly impressed. We have started the application process and hopefully in a couple months they'll be ready for her and she'll be able to move in and finish out her life without the physical and mental stress she's undergone in the last year.

Today she was looking and feeling good, and in fact has had a number of "good" days. And guess what? She's drinking protein-Boost every day! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wonder if getting enough protein is helping her feel better with more energy? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...hmmmmmmmmmm...

Back to the church tomorrow a.m. I have been a nervous wreck over the issue of my continued employment there as it relates to salary. They totally balked at my initial number and they've played it very close to the vest since then. I have no idea what they can do for me, but I DO know that if I can't make a living there, I'll be looking elsewhere. But I don't want to lose the job if I can help it - it's a good job and they are good people. So hopefully we'll all be able to sit down and hash out a plan for next year's budget that will suit everyone.

I am exhausted (didn't I already say that?). Must get ready for bed now. More soon... I want to comment on the Olympics and some other stuff running through my brain...

'Tween Time

Bizarro and I have returned from a wonderful weekend at the Live Adventure. It was a magical weekend, though we could have done without the nasty thunderstorm Friday night. Picture: 15 or so tents in a field, on the side of a mountain, in a severe electrical storm that lasts 3 hours, in the middle of the night. I don't think I've ever been so scared for such an extended period of time. I could imagine (but tried not to) the lightning arcing down and frying our tent and us in it. ZOT! Either that or the wind would lift the rain fly up and away and we'd have been utterly exposed to the downpour. This was our new tent, mind you, so it had been unproven. Well, it has proven its worth to us now! If it could withstand that with only a tiny bit of moisture on the inside, it is worth every penny we paid. Not only is it big, it stands up in a gale. Yesterday morning we looked at each other and said, "If we'd been in the old tent, we'd either have blown away or been flooded."

Also of note - Friday morning was my last class with the summer program; my students are at this time now safely in their homes back in China. It was an unforgettable class, and I would be lucky to get another group as lively, intelligent, hard-working and fun as they were, if I do teach there next summer (I have been asked back...a wonderful thing... but I need to figure out my future).

And so... tomorrow I have something I haven't experienced in many weeks: a day to myself.

Tuesday I start back up at the chorch, which will seem like child's play. Imagine not having to start work until 9:00 a.m., and then leaving at 4:00 without a shred of work to do at home. Sounds like paradise.

ADDENDUM: I did not dance at Bardic Circle - my ankle wasn't terribly pleased with all the hiking up and down the mountain in rugged terrain, plus the site for the Circle was very uneven and it would have been folly for me to try to dance. It's okay; I will dance at our friends' Halloween party this fall (with many of the same people present), and of course there is always next year.

..almost there...

Two days of actual teaching left; two sets of conferences in which I will mainly administer a questionnaire and answer student questions; and the final class, for which I plan to bring bagels and cream cheese, and play Taboo with students.

This week is running me ragged. Work for school and of course administrative end-of-program things on top of it. Getting ready for the Live Adventure this weekend - costuming, packing, remembering things like new batteries for the flashlights, and checking the air mattress for any leaks (there aren't any, thankfully). My ankle is feeling well enough for me to dance at the Bardic Circle. I bought a lovely purple belly dance costume with silver trim (similar to this one), and I've chosen a piece of music that is slow enough for me to dance to without killing myself. There are some moves, namely ones that torque the ankle or involve going up on my toes, that I cannot do, but there are plenty of things I can do.

Some disturbing news from mom last night; it seems her right lung is again starting to fill with fluid. She is drinking too much liquid, since her body can't eliminate it. I spoke with her doctor today and he had a practical attitude toward keeping things nominal for her, thankfully. I have contacted a local assisted living place and will visit there next weekend. I am hoping we can get her in there by end of September at the very latest. Let's hope and pray.

I am exhausted, utterly, but it's okay. This weekend will be delightful, and I have Monday off (although I'm supposed to go to Mom's so it's not really a day "off"). But that's okay, too, because with the close of the summer program, I will have a lot more time to myself after I get out of work at the chorch. No more work in the evenings, lesson plans, grading, etc. At least until the semester starts and I teach the screenwriting class that will take away whatever is left of my life outside of work and family.

I desperately need sleep now. Kthxbai.

I am really feeling the burn out, in fact I think I'm coming down with something. That or it's a severe case of PMS. I've had a headache for 2 days, and now I'm feeling woozy and achey and sleepy and sore throaty.

I have ordered Chinese food from our favorite place and I can't wait for my won ton soup and Amazing Chicken. I need spicy to knock it out of me! Bizarro of course had me order his usual (PMP, you can recite this by heart, can't you?): chicken wings and shrimp lo mein.

So today one of the teachers approached me and asked if I would take his students for our class on Thursday, since he has to take his mom to the hospital for a procedure. I said no problem, because they're all watching the same movie tomorrow night and Thursday's class will be deconstructing the film (i.e. pretty much the same lesson plans all around). I really don't mind doing this at all, except for the fact that my room is quite small and crowded already, so I'm not sure how we'll manage the space. But we'll manage.

I have to say the overall collegiality of my colleagues in this summer program has been outstanding. It makes things soooooooooo much easier when you feel like you're part of a team and it's not forced down your gob WE ARE A TEAM so go take the Myers-Briggs and report back to the TEAM so that we can pick apart your personality. Oooops, did I just go there? Yes, I believe I did. Well, as I think I've said before, it's just really affirming to have such a positive experience teaching ESL after the last two debacles since moving to New York State.

My only complaint, and it's a mild one at that, is that sometimes the communication from the top down is a bit confusing. I showed up 30 minutes late to a meeting last Friday because I was apparently the only one who didn't get the memo that our meeting was now at 11:30 instead of 12:00. No body cared and I wasn't in any trouble, but I hate being late and I felt like a schmuck. There was some similar confusion as to the place of the movie we're watching tomorrow night, but I was smart this time and followed up more aggressively to make sure I knew what was going on. Next week there is a little ceremony where the students get their certificates for completing the program, and it was announced to us late last week that we teachers had to go. This happens to be the night before our last day, which is also the night before our big trip to the Live Adventure, which means it's a crazy night of packing, last minute Target runs, and for me, some specific henna tatoos for my character. God knows how much longer I will be on campus with this shindig I have to attend. I mentioned politely to my boss that it would be helpful to have these things scheduled and communicated early on and she agreed (it wasn't coming from her, but from the people who run the entire summer college program, of which we are one sliver).

Anyway, other than those minor annoyances, I am so pleased with how the summer is going. In fact, I would love to do this every summer, but with the new hours at the chorch job, I don't know if it will be possible.

Speaking of the chorch job, I am nervous. If they can't give me a significant increase in pay starting in January, I am screwed for money and will have to find something else to do. A full time job needs to pay the bills; if it doesn't, then I have to go elsewhere. It's one of those stressful items I have had to keep on the back burner, but I keep lifting the lid to check on it and that only seems to make it worse. I want to get some real idea of what I will be doing - as usual - so that I'm not making it up on the fly.

Where's that Chinese food?