HMO Blues

Good morning! Weird weather here, thankfully not the horrid blizzards of the mid-West. Just strangely warm and extremely windy. Our apt. was brutally hot last night because we'd had all the radiant heaters set on high due to those bitter cold (in the teens) days and nights we had last week.

Well it would appear that I've been walking around with a sinus infection for the last couple of weeks. Yesterday I called my new PCP, with whom I have an appointment next Monday (rescheduled from 3 weeks ago when her office cancelled!). But I didn't want to wait until next Monday to have someone look at my nose and throat and say "Yep, you need anti-biotics." However, she couldn't fit me in anywhere this week, so her office suggested I go to a local clinic. That sounded fine by me, except - guess what - the clinic costs $200-$300 and they're "out of network" so I'd have to pay the entire bill with a $300 deductible!! Guess who's NOT going to see a doctor today, after all?

The good news is that I woke up this morning feeling much better than I have in days, and most of the gooey snotty mess seems to be gone (sorry if that's TMI; believe me, I'm holding back). I am going to continue a regimen of Echinacea & Goldenseal, tea, water, and start a nasal flush treatment (which I need to pick up at the drugstore today). That, and lots of rest.

In other news - I had a sort of mini-review at work yesterday, based on the observations my two bosses did of my class a couple weeks ago. It went pretty well; they had some good things to say and some suggestions for improvement that were right on track. I think the meeting was helpful for us to communicate and for me to get a better sense of where I am on their "scale". I have some concrete things to focus on achieving now, and I feel much better about being there. Also, I'm conducting a "mini-study" that my boss seems to be supporting. I am really hoping that the darkest days are behind me, now.

The truth is that I still have a lot to learn about teaching, and this job is going to give me the experience and direct feedback I need to improve my teaching. It seems as if my bosses have recognized that I do need a little more coaching and mentoring; that I am a new teacher and as such I need more support than I was given at the beginning (first half) of the semester.

So all in all, the semester is finishing up pretty well. Of course, tomorrow and Thursday I have to tell my students they will be continuing in the program next semester, which they don't want to hear at all. This'll be fun. NOT.

Well, time for more food and to get ready for work.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's a crisp wintery morning here, with a little snow on the ground and a turkey in the fridge waiting to be roasted. Bizarro started the day off by listening to Democracy Now (uber liberal program carried by PBS, low frequency FM stations, and public access TV). I am not a conservative, but these uber liberals have got to calm the f*ck down.

Anyway. Momazoo is coming today - Bizarro's going to pick her up - and I'm all loaded up for a full T'giving dinner. I'm even going to attempt baking a pumpkin pie from scratch! Woo hoo!!

Yesterday we spent almost 5 hours in the freaking mall waiting for Sears to put on the snow tires and change the oil. I bought makins' for a holiday wreath at AC Moore, and we also got plastic for the windows. I went to belly dance class last night even though I was tired - but I needed to hear the music and move my body. After that, a trip to Weggies and the wine shop and then home utterly exhausted. But I still managed to get food prepped for today. Wow!

Had bad dreams about work last night - just worry dreams. I'm really hoping I can turn things around there with this new project that my boss likes. Wish me luck!

Okay, time to drink coffee and watch the Macy's parade. I'll write more soon.

up and atom

Woke up this morning from a most bizarre dream. Not supernatural or alien-related, but like watching some indie movie. I got up and wrote it down. I was able to get some good writing done on my sci fi script last night. It's almost done! I also found a fairly useful website for writing resources: http://www.absolutewrite.com. There's a section on screenwriting which has a little bit of everything (agents, business, stuff for beginners, etc.). I have a bunch of books on my shelf from my MFA days, but there's one more I'd like to get (Christmas present, anyone?): How To Make A Good Script Great by Linda Segar.

I had originally hoped to stay home all day and write, but this afternoon I'm (we're) going to the wake of good friend's father. My friend and his wife life in Elmira, and I've known them since my super-geeky Star Trek fan club days back in high school (WE DID CHARITY WORK, we didn't sit around and watch old episodes. We made fun of those kinds of fans.) Anyway, so the afternoon will be punctuated with a drive to Elmira, 1/2 hour at the wake, 1/2 hour at mom's for coffee, then home again. Right. That's the plan.

Well I'm going to get back to the writing. Maybe I should wake Bizarro up from his beauty sleep.

P.S. Went to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire yesterday. It was just okay. Seemed disjointed and rushed, even at 2. 5 hours. Guess it's getting harder and harder to adapt those books as they get thicker and darker.

something witty this way comes

It's been a couple weeks since my last entry. Last weekend I was in the Big Apple for a conference. All of us from work went down (crammed in a minivan) and stayed for 2 nights and 2.5 days. The weekend was a mixed bag, but I think I turned an important corner.

Our hotel was a great location at the juncture of China Town and Little Italy. We walked around a lot and had good food (Italian one night, Chinese another). I bought Bizarro a fake NY license plate that says "Bada Bing." I also had a chance to visit with my old chum Scotto and his wife Tiki (they live in Queens). The conference itself was about 90% geared to K-12 TESOLers. However, there were a couple of interesting Applied Linguistics / Socio Ling presentations that reminded me of why I enjoyed this field so much in grad school. Ahhh... grad school.... the place of learning, books, research, theories, Ivory Tower brainiacs... not mired in the ugly brutalities of politics and PhD personalities all trying to get out on top of the heap.

Maybe I had an unusual grad school experience (and granted, it was "only" an M.A. program, not PhD), but with a couple of exceptions, it was very much like a family on the 3rd Floor of Gordy Hall where everyone shared resources and ideas and rarely did anyone get ugly or mean-spirited. There were a couple fruitloops, but overall they were just ignored. It was a very "safe" place for me (we’re talking working relationships, not administrative incompetence!), and these days I often feel as if I wasn't prepared for the dog-eat-dog of the Ivies. Anyway, I do digress...

The other thing that the conference did for me is give me ideas and ideas and ideas. That kind of mental stimulation is what I crave, and why I've always enjoyed being in school. So I presented one of my ideas to my boss and she liked it very much. It's a small project she's assigned to me, and I'm thrilled. I have been feeling like I've been running in place to catch up after the fiasco of that eval project (which, BTW, was completely shot down by muckity-mucks farther up the food chain, so now it's not happening at all! And, best of all, it had nothing to do with me). The conference did something to help me get my chops back and remind me of why I'm in this field, and how I can contribute.

There was an incident that also helped propel me toward this conclusion. One of my other supervisors was there and made a comment to me in a nasty, dismissive tone of voice that really cut me down (professionally embarrassed me and personally pissed me right the hell off). I walked away from that comment absolutely shaking with anger. It was the camel's straw. At that point I really had to fight to get control of myself. This was the last time - the LAST time - I was going to swallow their poison! I stood by the humungous window facing 5th Avenue (the conference was held on NYU campus) and for about 15 minutes just stood and stared and let my anger steam out my ears until I could move again. Then I began to think - okay, the problem is that over the last 2 months I have allowed myself to think poorly of my own professional mettle. I've let that freaking project become such a failure in my own mind that it has overshadowed everything. I've assumed that every nasty turn, every comment, every slight that I've experienced in that place is somehow appropriately directed at me because I'm unworthy of that place. Man, what a mind job! So - I reasoned - if I remember who I am, why I'm there, and why they hired me in the first place - those comments will just roll off my back. They won't harm me at all. And those people can go f*ck themselves when someday they use that tone with the wrong person and they get what's coming for all the mean things they've ever said. In the meantime, I will have my dignity and my self-esteem and I won't ever stoop to that level. I will maintain what I need to do what I want to achieve in my life which is all that really matters anyway.

I did a lot of brainstorming about what I'd like to get out of this job, in terms of what I can learn and the experiences I can gather. I also brainstormed things I'd like to pursue in a couple of years' time, after I have a baby. I decided that from now on, I am working for me, and my future. Change in emphasis, shift in perspective. I’m not trying to please anyone or prove myself to anyone. As far as I’m concerned, I did that in my interview. From this point on, I’m in it for myself and my students. The hell with the rest of it. I guess that’s what most people do there, and I was looking for more of a warm-fuzzy family oriented workplace, which was a constant source of disappointment for me. I will say that I’m still on edge a lot there, but it’s easier for me to just brush it off and remind myself of my focus and my purpose. And this, like everything else in this world, is temporary. I won’t have to be there the rest of my life, so there’s nothing for me to be too upset about.

The trip to NYC did allow me to bond a little bit more with the people I work with, which is always a helpful thing in building working relationships. I don’t feel quite the odd-woman-out as I did a month ago. Bizarro keeps reminding me that a lot of what I’ve been feeling is due to being “the new guy” but I have to say, I’ve had a lot of “new guy” experiences, but never one so difficult. I think that from now on, with my own personal epiphany and the bonding, things will be progressively easier. I’ve also just about finished my first semester, which hopefully means next semester won’t be fraught with so many errors and “by the way you were supposed to do it this way” comments.

One last word about the conference – I had to stay with the “black sheep” of our center. There actually is someone below me on the food chain, and she is really a most annoying, problematic person. She never shuts up about herself and her daughter’s French boyfriend. And, worst of all, she snores. Loudly. I ended up getting very little sleep on top of an over-stimulating weekend, after being sick for a week. So, I ended up with a relapse of being sick for a few days this week. But I seem to be over it now.

I’m looking forward to taking a break for T’giving, and then the wondrous month of working from home in Dec-Jan!! Oh, the joy! I do think that I need a personal retreat and detox weekend. This has been a helluva year with no real breaks or times of rest and renewal.

Here’s to better times!