Today is a holiday in the Tibetan Buddhist calendar: Saka Dawa.
I attended the puja at Namgyal (see the link above). Finally, after living in Ithaca for 2 years, I made my way down to Namgyal, and met the office manager with whom I've been emailing for months. I am hoping to get a little scholarship from them to attend a summer class for 4 weeks. As long as I don't have a dreadful boring temp job, I've decided that this time is a gift. I will hopefully be able to take that class, go to the open meditation sessions, and also attend to my creative work.
Yesterday I spent all day working on the EFL in Korea film, and I realized that this time and space I have over the summer is meant to be spent doing things I love.
I heard unofficially that my recent employer might actually want me back to teach this fall, after all. Can you imagine? After all I've been through... and lo and behold, they may still have need of lil' ole me. It would be a great way to spend the fall while I continue searching for more permanent work.
I am almost embarrassed for the depths of despair I allowed myself to visit in recent weeks. I got my attitude adjusted, and suddenly things seem 100% different - it's all perspective. Much of my attitude improvement is due to Lama Kathy, but also from an absolute must-have book: When Things Fall
Apart, by Pema Chodron. Maybe I've even mentioned it on this blog before. As many times as I've read it, it finally REALLY hit home this time.
On this day of Saka Dawa, meritorious actions and prayers are multiplied a thousand fold. Om Mani Padme Hum. May All Beings Benefit!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Whip It
Crack that whip
Give the past the slip
Step on a crack
Break your momma's back
When a problem comes along you must whip it
Before the cream sits out too long you must whip it
When something's going wrong you must whip it
Now whip it - into shape
Shape it up, get straight
Go forward, move ahead
Try to detect it - it's not too late
To whip it, whip it good
When a good time turns around you must whip it
You will never live it down unless you whip it
No one gets their way until they whip it
I say whip it
Whip it good
I say whip it
Whip it good
{Repeat first two verses}
Now whip it - into shape
Shape it up, get straight
Go forward, move ahead
Try to detect it - it's not too late
To whip it - into shape
Shape it up, get straight
Go forward, move ahead
Try to detect it - it's not too late
To whip it, whip it good
Lyrics by DEVO
Give the past the slip
Step on a crack
Break your momma's back
When a problem comes along you must whip it
Before the cream sits out too long you must whip it
When something's going wrong you must whip it
Now whip it - into shape
Shape it up, get straight
Go forward, move ahead
Try to detect it - it's not too late
To whip it, whip it good
When a good time turns around you must whip it
You will never live it down unless you whip it
No one gets their way until they whip it
I say whip it
Whip it good
I say whip it
Whip it good
{Repeat first two verses}
Now whip it - into shape
Shape it up, get straight
Go forward, move ahead
Try to detect it - it's not too late
To whip it - into shape
Shape it up, get straight
Go forward, move ahead
Try to detect it - it's not too late
To whip it, whip it good
Lyrics by DEVO
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Immigration Flap
I've been hearing a lot of complaints from my more Conservative friends and family about Bush's immigration plan. Namely, that it will screw American workers. (See link to Patrick Cambio's Blog.)
I finally got around to reading a little more about the bill, and I found out these items:
"The bill, which was introduced in the Senate last week, could eventually allow most of the estimated 12 million undocumented workers in the United States to gain legal status, in the most sweeping immigration law reform in 21 years.
While providing more money to tighten border control against those sneaking into the United States, it would require those who came to the country before January 1, 2007 to pay 5,000 dollars in fines and apply for legal status in a process that would at one point require them to return to their home countries.
Permanent status would be granted after a vetting process which, according to the current bill, would prioritize entry by education, job and language skills, rather than giving preference to those with family already in the United States as has been the case.
It would also allow 200,000 temporary guest workers to enter the country for two-year stints.
It also encourages tougher action against employers who hire illegal immigrants."
(Citation http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070529/pl_afp/ uscongressimmigration_070529211954;_ylt=Ai_a0dzPQ5d7lhTS3oEAVaoE1vAI, retrieved from Yahoo News 5/30/07)
It seems to me there is a lot of sense in this. As I've pointed out repeatedly to those who want us simply to deport the 12 million undocumented workers - how exactly do we do that? The suggestion was made that since Eisenhower did it, Bush should be able to do it. Yeah, okay, Eisenhower did it. And...so all the illegals just came back? If simply deporting them worked in the 1950s, we wouldn't have this problem in 2007.
Above and beyond the Immigration Bill itself, I wonder if anyone in the world sees the bigger picture: something is dreadfully wrong in the home countries of those illegal immigrants that THAT many people want to come here as criminals. Why on earth would you want to sneak into another country as a criminal? I suppose it beats living on a dirt floor with no running water, no sanitation, no jobs, and rampant government corruption. My point is this: where are the do-gooder "nation builders" when immigrants from Central American countries are leaving in droves to find a better life as a criminal in the U.S.? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
--stepping off soap box--
I finally got around to reading a little more about the bill, and I found out these items:
"The bill, which was introduced in the Senate last week, could eventually allow most of the estimated 12 million undocumented workers in the United States to gain legal status, in the most sweeping immigration law reform in 21 years.
While providing more money to tighten border control against those sneaking into the United States, it would require those who came to the country before January 1, 2007 to pay 5,000 dollars in fines and apply for legal status in a process that would at one point require them to return to their home countries.
Permanent status would be granted after a vetting process which, according to the current bill, would prioritize entry by education, job and language skills, rather than giving preference to those with family already in the United States as has been the case.
It would also allow 200,000 temporary guest workers to enter the country for two-year stints.
It also encourages tougher action against employers who hire illegal immigrants."
(Citation http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070529/pl_afp/ uscongressimmigration_070529211954;_ylt=Ai_a0dzPQ5d7lhTS3oEAVaoE1vAI, retrieved from Yahoo News 5/30/07)
It seems to me there is a lot of sense in this. As I've pointed out repeatedly to those who want us simply to deport the 12 million undocumented workers - how exactly do we do that? The suggestion was made that since Eisenhower did it, Bush should be able to do it. Yeah, okay, Eisenhower did it. And...so all the illegals just came back? If simply deporting them worked in the 1950s, we wouldn't have this problem in 2007.
Above and beyond the Immigration Bill itself, I wonder if anyone in the world sees the bigger picture: something is dreadfully wrong in the home countries of those illegal immigrants that THAT many people want to come here as criminals. Why on earth would you want to sneak into another country as a criminal? I suppose it beats living on a dirt floor with no running water, no sanitation, no jobs, and rampant government corruption. My point is this: where are the do-gooder "nation builders" when immigrants from Central American countries are leaving in droves to find a better life as a criminal in the U.S.? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
--stepping off soap box--
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The Weekend in Photos
The Fam at Aunt Stella's (Big Bro, his wife Donn-Wa, Aunt Stella, Bizarro, Mom):
Aunt Stella's Porch:
Bizarro grills the Man Meat on our patio:
Food Cam!
Big Bro, Donn-wa & Me at Taughahanunauk Falls (I have no idea how to spell it):
Big Bro & Donn-wa:
Me at Ithaca Falls:
Aunt Stella's Porch:
Bizarro grills the Man Meat on our patio:
Food Cam!
Big Bro, Donn-wa & Me at Taughahanunauk Falls (I have no idea how to spell it):
Big Bro & Donn-wa:
Me at Ithaca Falls:
The Beatles - LOVE
I'm listening to the remastered, remixed Beatles CD that came out last year, produced by Sir George Martin and his son Giles. I had ignored its release at the time because I thought it would just be another rehashing of the old tracks - get over it! But honestly, this is beautiful. The Beatles had recorded so many tracks that never made the final cuts, and some of this stuff is really gorgeous.
I've borrowed the CD from my Big Bro, but when our assets are liquid again (as opposed to stagnant), I'll pick up a copy of my own.
Read up on it:
The Beatles Love Site
Monday, May 28, 2007
Holiday Inn
This weekend my Big Bro and his wife are visiting from Boston. They're staying with us for a few days. Yay! We've had a great time, hanging out, visiting with Momazoo and Aunt Stella. We ate SO MUCH FOOD at Aunt Stella's house. Good god. There was spaghetti with meatballs (of course), sausages with peppers and onions, roasted chicken, potato salad, green salad, and for dessert there was chocolate and cherry cake with chocolate frosting. Needless to say, we ate around 3:00 in the afternoon and didn't eat again for the rest of the night. I worked out last night because if I hadn't I would have felt like a total sack o'shite.
Today I'm taking them around town to see the sights and stuff.
I have a good feeling for the coming week.
Today I'm taking them around town to see the sights and stuff.
I have a good feeling for the coming week.
Friday, May 25, 2007
I can has laffez
You MUST see this site, which posts photos of animals, particularly cats, with hilarious captions (katshunz): I can has cheesberger?
From which I am posting this:
...and then there's this...
From which I am posting this:
...and then there's this...
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Tightening the Belt
I'm now in my second week of being unemployed, and the picture is not pretty. We are cutting all extraneous activities. Bizarro is stressed out, I'm stressed out, and I'm angry as fucking hell that we are in this position.
I am also really disappointed that the temp scene in this town is as shitty as it is. I've never had a problem getting a temp job in any other city I've ever lived in (Boston, Rochester, Elmira, Columbus).
Korea is looking more and more like a pie in the sky. I'm angry because my dream is being squashed by the realities of life that have been foisted upon me, despite all my hard work and apprent successes as a teacher.
Perhaps my lot in life is to be an admin until I can break in with screenwriting. Perhaps I have to say goodbye to being a filmmaker. At least I can write without disrupting my entire life, unlike making a film.
I'm working hard not to let my self esteem slide into the slimy depths of oblivion, but goddam it's hard. Meantime, I got word that yet another of my applications didn't make it to the interview round (the admin job at the international students office). Another one bites the dust.
If I don't get a temp job soon, we're F'd in the A.
I am also really disappointed that the temp scene in this town is as shitty as it is. I've never had a problem getting a temp job in any other city I've ever lived in (Boston, Rochester, Elmira, Columbus).
Korea is looking more and more like a pie in the sky. I'm angry because my dream is being squashed by the realities of life that have been foisted upon me, despite all my hard work and apprent successes as a teacher.
Perhaps my lot in life is to be an admin until I can break in with screenwriting. Perhaps I have to say goodbye to being a filmmaker. At least I can write without disrupting my entire life, unlike making a film.
I'm working hard not to let my self esteem slide into the slimy depths of oblivion, but goddam it's hard. Meantime, I got word that yet another of my applications didn't make it to the interview round (the admin job at the international students office). Another one bites the dust.
If I don't get a temp job soon, we're F'd in the A.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Irons In The Fire
This weekend, my big bro and his wife are coming to visit, so I've been house-kleening and grokkery-choppin in preparation. I'm really looking forward to this visit. Believe it or not, Bizarro hasn't yet met my brother. We eloped in Ohio and haven't seen them since that time (although I went out alone last October to meet my grand-nephew). So this will be a momentous occasion. Also, our mom is turning 80 this summer, so it's high time he gets his ass out here to see her.
Yesterday had coffee with my Korean producer friend and we had a good chat about the film I'm going to make this summer, for which he will lend me equipment and help me with editing. He's an amazing guy - so generous. I think I've gushed about him here before.
Okay, time to get crackin. Where's the "On The Lot" guy with the belt??
Yesterday had coffee with my Korean producer friend and we had a good chat about the film I'm going to make this summer, for which he will lend me equipment and help me with editing. He's an amazing guy - so generous. I think I've gushed about him here before.
Okay, time to get crackin. Where's the "On The Lot" guy with the belt??
On The Lot
Last night I watched the first episode of "On The Lot," the next Apprentice/American Idol inspired show. The premise is simple, as these shows usually are - 50 filmmakers from around the world were chosen and are now competing for the grand prize of an office at Dreamworks. Spielberg is putting up the show, with judges Carrie Fisher, Brett Ratner, and Garry Marshall.
The first task was to pitch a log line that was provided to the contestants. I had to avert my eyes in one case - the pitch was so horrible (the guy with the belt). I'm hoping some of my students watched it -- how not to do a pitch was plainly demonstrated. And I myself have a bit to learn - I have a hard time keeping a pitch simple (I get too detail-oriented and lose the main story).
The second task is for them to team up into groups of 3, and write, shoot and edit a 2.5 minute film in 24 hours. Tomorrow night we'll see the results.
I'm pretty psyched for this show. Check it out here at On The Lot's Official Site
The first task was to pitch a log line that was provided to the contestants. I had to avert my eyes in one case - the pitch was so horrible (the guy with the belt). I'm hoping some of my students watched it -- how not to do a pitch was plainly demonstrated. And I myself have a bit to learn - I have a hard time keeping a pitch simple (I get too detail-oriented and lose the main story).
The second task is for them to team up into groups of 3, and write, shoot and edit a 2.5 minute film in 24 hours. Tomorrow night we'll see the results.
I'm pretty psyched for this show. Check it out here at On The Lot's Official Site
Monday, May 21, 2007
More Than Meets the Eye
With the upcoming remake of The Transformers has come much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the Old Schoolers.
I'd rather watch this:
I'd rather watch this:
Sunday, May 20, 2007
So Easy, A Caveman Could Do It
At last, those lovable, defensive cavemen will get their own sitcom:
ABC's Caveman sitcom
I give it four weeks, max. Which is too bad because cavemen are funny. I have two Geico ads on my office door at home. But it's like making a 90 minute flick out of an SNL sketch -- usually not suited to anything longer than a coupla minutes, and usually sucky.
But I will watch at least the first episode to see where they'll take it. Unless, of course, they are stupid enough to put it up against The Office, in which case they'll cancel it after the pilot.
Speaking of which, the season finale of The Office last week really kicked my ass. Ah, summer, the land of re-runs and grilling. What really blows chud is that we gotta wait until January 08 for Battlestar Galactica to return.
Meantime, we've got Doctor Who imports every weekend (the ones we download, not the ones on Sci Fi). This week's was like an old episode - the TARDIS and the sonic screwdriver were both effectively cut out of the story. I'm glad; he was starting to rely too heavily on the sonic screwdriver.
Tomorrow I'm getting my ass back in the driver's seat - wake up and write! Write til it's time for a walk, then write some more. Job-search crap in the afternoon, followed by house work.
I worked out tonight - the damned Ellipticals are still down, those bastages. I despise the treadmill. I did some punching drills and hit the saunaaaaahhhhhh...
And now it's time for zzzz's. Nite.
ABC's Caveman sitcom
I give it four weeks, max. Which is too bad because cavemen are funny. I have two Geico ads on my office door at home. But it's like making a 90 minute flick out of an SNL sketch -- usually not suited to anything longer than a coupla minutes, and usually sucky.
But I will watch at least the first episode to see where they'll take it. Unless, of course, they are stupid enough to put it up against The Office, in which case they'll cancel it after the pilot.
Speaking of which, the season finale of The Office last week really kicked my ass. Ah, summer, the land of re-runs and grilling. What really blows chud is that we gotta wait until January 08 for Battlestar Galactica to return.
Meantime, we've got Doctor Who imports every weekend (the ones we download, not the ones on Sci Fi). This week's was like an old episode - the TARDIS and the sonic screwdriver were both effectively cut out of the story. I'm glad; he was starting to rely too heavily on the sonic screwdriver.
Tomorrow I'm getting my ass back in the driver's seat - wake up and write! Write til it's time for a walk, then write some more. Job-search crap in the afternoon, followed by house work.
I worked out tonight - the damned Ellipticals are still down, those bastages. I despise the treadmill. I did some punching drills and hit the saunaaaaahhhhhh...
And now it's time for zzzz's. Nite.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
A Breath of Life
Something to cheer about in a world of not-so-happy circumstances... although the far-reaching consequences are yet to be seen:
Trains Cross S./N. Korean Border
The story with pictures from Channel News Asia
Trains Cross S./N. Korean Border
The story with pictures from Channel News Asia
Thank the 'Verse
I am not yet gainfully employed, but I have some hot fires burning right now and I am hopeful.
Even better, last night I had a long and overdue conversation with my friend and spiritual teacher, Lama Kathy Wesley, of KTC Columbus. She really helped me see through all the ego-clinging B.S. that was piling up, hindering my practice and contorting reality.
The last few weeks has seen a series of crash-and-burns, but I think I'm finally over the crashes. The crashes were all illusion-based, although it is true enough that I do have some long-term decisions to mull over with Bizarro (and we are).
So the long and short is that my situation hasn't changed much since yesterday, yet it has changed, as far as how I perceive it.
We'll see how even-keeled I'm feeling in a month if I still don't have a paycheck coming in and I've run out of money. Ahhh...the life of a writer.
Even better, last night I had a long and overdue conversation with my friend and spiritual teacher, Lama Kathy Wesley, of KTC Columbus. She really helped me see through all the ego-clinging B.S. that was piling up, hindering my practice and contorting reality.
The last few weeks has seen a series of crash-and-burns, but I think I'm finally over the crashes. The crashes were all illusion-based, although it is true enough that I do have some long-term decisions to mull over with Bizarro (and we are).
So the long and short is that my situation hasn't changed much since yesterday, yet it has changed, as far as how I perceive it.
We'll see how even-keeled I'm feeling in a month if I still don't have a paycheck coming in and I've run out of money. Ahhh...the life of a writer.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Back to the Grind
Yesterday was my first day back to reality. More of the same. Some disappointing news from the temp agency that was trying to steer me toward a job at a college for the summer (they'd turned me down). But the woman at the agency seemed to think I have good skills and should be placed somewhere soon.
I'm struggling with the usual depression here. When you're away for a few days then you come back with renewed clarity and perspective, all the problems and issues come glaringly into focus, and that is happening to the proportions of being overwhelming.
I'm not just talking about the physical space I live in (although there is that; I came home to a messy kitchen and floors begging to be vacuumed and swept, and my office space is cluttered and packed to the gills). There's also the pall of my finances in light of not having a job, the job-search itself, and the stress of my mother's continued ill health.
Tonight I am going to have a phone session with my spiritual teacher/mentor from my Sangha in Columbus. Thankfully, she doesn't charge $150 a half hour like some people I know. She charges nothing, in fact.
After days of sunshine, it is raining. Good for the earth, and I for once don't mind the rain. It matches my mood at the moment
I'm struggling with the usual depression here. When you're away for a few days then you come back with renewed clarity and perspective, all the problems and issues come glaringly into focus, and that is happening to the proportions of being overwhelming.
I'm not just talking about the physical space I live in (although there is that; I came home to a messy kitchen and floors begging to be vacuumed and swept, and my office space is cluttered and packed to the gills). There's also the pall of my finances in light of not having a job, the job-search itself, and the stress of my mother's continued ill health.
Tonight I am going to have a phone session with my spiritual teacher/mentor from my Sangha in Columbus. Thankfully, she doesn't charge $150 a half hour like some people I know. She charges nothing, in fact.
After days of sunshine, it is raining. Good for the earth, and I for once don't mind the rain. It matches my mood at the moment
Monday, May 14, 2007
Home On The Range
I arrived home from Saltonstall around 4:15. Got settled in at home pretty quickly, happy to be back as much as I loved the weekend.
I've said it before and I'm saying it again here: I will be returning to that place a couple times a year.
I've posted a journal for each day, in reverse order below (since I stated with Day 1 I just followed in order).
I have to tutor at 5:30, so better shower and get ready. More later.
I've said it before and I'm saying it again here: I will be returning to that place a couple times a year.
I've posted a journal for each day, in reverse order below (since I stated with Day 1 I just followed in order).
I have to tutor at 5:30, so better shower and get ready. More later.
Writer's Holiday - Day 4
This morning I woke up a little later – I really needed the sleep. Got up around 7:20 and got to work after making coffee and opening my shrine.
Have been cruising with “Beauty Is…” and working through the stumbling block I’d reached last time I worked on it.
Part way through the morning, the cleaning people showed up downstairs – Martha says they’re not supposed to be here until Wednesday. So they’re talking and vacuuming and carrying on down there, which is annoying. My solitude is broken.
I decided to go for a walk in the woods to clear my head and stretch my legs. First I went on the pink path, and it was blocked by a water-logged area (it’s spring, after all). I then found the green path, and was enjoying it immensely – the peace and space, the silver birches, when I heard a snuffling ahead and saw what I think was a woodchuck. I was thrilled, and took a few pictures. Then I realized it was acting strange – almost drunk. It would take a few steps, then fall over. A few steps, fall over. It got closer – I saw that it was unable to put weight on its back left leg for long, before it would fall over and roll. I was horrified. I thought I could see dried blood under its belly.
I stopped taking pictures when I realized it was hurt, and I started praying Medicine Buddha’s mantra: Tayata Om Bekaze Bekaze Ma Ha Bekaze Radza Samagate So Ha… I prayed and watched until I couldn’t stand it. I picked a violet on my way back to my rooms, and when I got up here I put the violet on my shrine in the little vase, and prayed again to Medicine Buddha for the poor creature. I then called Martha, the director in the office, and told her about it. She said she’d send the caretaker up to see about it. I don’t know that there’s anything anyone can do to help the poor creature, but I felt like I had to try to do something. I don’t know enough about wild animals to have approached it and examined it. And even if I had, what could I have done then?
I read in the handbook to this place that there are coyotes up in the woods; no doubt that little guy escaped with its life. But if it’s injured like that it’ll probably die, if it can’t run. What do woodchucks eat? If it can’t feed itself, it’ll surely die of starvation. I’m thinking it eats greens and berries, so maybe it’ll be alright. But what about water? God, the poor critter! I feel so awful thinking about it.
But I know that is life in the wild. That is life. That is samsara. I can’t help feeling that I saw that little guy for a reason. I chose that moment to go for a walk, even though I’d thought about going out earlier in the morning. And I hadn’t seen the green path the other two days I was out in the woods – just today. What can that woodchuck teach me?
Life is short; life is precious; even if things go wrong, you have to keep trying. That animal, injured though it was, kept trying. It circled the tree it was under a couple times… then sort of wandered almost aimlessly. Was it trying to get somewhere? Or was it just in so much pain that it didn’t know what it was doing?
Life is pain. Life is samsara. As a human, I have choices to make that an animal doesn’t. I have choices about how I deal with pain – mine and others’. I also must face mortality – mine and others’. Death is a part of life.
Sobering. Not so fun. Not the carefree walk in the woods I was going for. But perhaps more meaningful and appropriate. And the cleaning folks showing up today instead of Wednesday – maybe also no accident? Reminding me that life doesn’t go according to plan. Reminding me that I have to be flexible and realize that other people are doing their best, just as I am. Reminding me that I can’t hide in retreat forever. (But I really just wanted one last afternoon of solitude before returning home).
Life is so precarious – I need to make sure that I don’t waste any more time with stupid shit. I need to write and write and write and send it out into the world. Otherwise, what’s the point?
ADDENDUM
Another piece of today’s lesson – a hummingbird just hovered outside my window, seeming to look in at me for a few moments before zipping off. She told me that no matter what, life goes on.
Post Script
With only an hour or so left of my time here, I’m finding it increasingly harder to focus. I don’t want to start picking up and packing up because it’ll wreck whatever momentum I have left. Incidentally, the grounds keeper Joe stopped by a couple hours ago. He asked me about the woodchuck. When I described what I’d seen, said that it looked like the thing was drunk, wobbling around, he said it sounded like a brain disease that he’s seen in raccoons. I never was sure if I’d seen dried blood, or if it was just the color of its fur. Joe said if a coyote had got it, it wouldn’t have survived; they kill to eat. So, the only thing was to let nature take its course. Sometimes that’s all you can do – let things go they way they are going to go.
Post Post Script
It’s 3:30 – I’m mostly cleaned and packed up, save for the food in the fridge and this here computer. I said good-bye to the woods (I know, I’m too sentimental for my own good). I am really bad at saying good-bye, and I’ve come to so fully feel at home here that it’s actually an emotional departure. That, and I’m loathe to re-enter the fray of real life. I have to tutor at 5:30. Well, so it goes. I will be returning in the fall, so until then…
Have been cruising with “Beauty Is…” and working through the stumbling block I’d reached last time I worked on it.
Part way through the morning, the cleaning people showed up downstairs – Martha says they’re not supposed to be here until Wednesday. So they’re talking and vacuuming and carrying on down there, which is annoying. My solitude is broken.
I decided to go for a walk in the woods to clear my head and stretch my legs. First I went on the pink path, and it was blocked by a water-logged area (it’s spring, after all). I then found the green path, and was enjoying it immensely – the peace and space, the silver birches, when I heard a snuffling ahead and saw what I think was a woodchuck. I was thrilled, and took a few pictures. Then I realized it was acting strange – almost drunk. It would take a few steps, then fall over. A few steps, fall over. It got closer – I saw that it was unable to put weight on its back left leg for long, before it would fall over and roll. I was horrified. I thought I could see dried blood under its belly.
I stopped taking pictures when I realized it was hurt, and I started praying Medicine Buddha’s mantra: Tayata Om Bekaze Bekaze Ma Ha Bekaze Radza Samagate So Ha… I prayed and watched until I couldn’t stand it. I picked a violet on my way back to my rooms, and when I got up here I put the violet on my shrine in the little vase, and prayed again to Medicine Buddha for the poor creature. I then called Martha, the director in the office, and told her about it. She said she’d send the caretaker up to see about it. I don’t know that there’s anything anyone can do to help the poor creature, but I felt like I had to try to do something. I don’t know enough about wild animals to have approached it and examined it. And even if I had, what could I have done then?
I read in the handbook to this place that there are coyotes up in the woods; no doubt that little guy escaped with its life. But if it’s injured like that it’ll probably die, if it can’t run. What do woodchucks eat? If it can’t feed itself, it’ll surely die of starvation. I’m thinking it eats greens and berries, so maybe it’ll be alright. But what about water? God, the poor critter! I feel so awful thinking about it.
But I know that is life in the wild. That is life. That is samsara. I can’t help feeling that I saw that little guy for a reason. I chose that moment to go for a walk, even though I’d thought about going out earlier in the morning. And I hadn’t seen the green path the other two days I was out in the woods – just today. What can that woodchuck teach me?
Life is short; life is precious; even if things go wrong, you have to keep trying. That animal, injured though it was, kept trying. It circled the tree it was under a couple times… then sort of wandered almost aimlessly. Was it trying to get somewhere? Or was it just in so much pain that it didn’t know what it was doing?
Life is pain. Life is samsara. As a human, I have choices to make that an animal doesn’t. I have choices about how I deal with pain – mine and others’. I also must face mortality – mine and others’. Death is a part of life.
Sobering. Not so fun. Not the carefree walk in the woods I was going for. But perhaps more meaningful and appropriate. And the cleaning folks showing up today instead of Wednesday – maybe also no accident? Reminding me that life doesn’t go according to plan. Reminding me that I have to be flexible and realize that other people are doing their best, just as I am. Reminding me that I can’t hide in retreat forever. (But I really just wanted one last afternoon of solitude before returning home).
Life is so precarious – I need to make sure that I don’t waste any more time with stupid shit. I need to write and write and write and send it out into the world. Otherwise, what’s the point?
ADDENDUM
Another piece of today’s lesson – a hummingbird just hovered outside my window, seeming to look in at me for a few moments before zipping off. She told me that no matter what, life goes on.
Post Script
With only an hour or so left of my time here, I’m finding it increasingly harder to focus. I don’t want to start picking up and packing up because it’ll wreck whatever momentum I have left. Incidentally, the grounds keeper Joe stopped by a couple hours ago. He asked me about the woodchuck. When I described what I’d seen, said that it looked like the thing was drunk, wobbling around, he said it sounded like a brain disease that he’s seen in raccoons. I never was sure if I’d seen dried blood, or if it was just the color of its fur. Joe said if a coyote had got it, it wouldn’t have survived; they kill to eat. So, the only thing was to let nature take its course. Sometimes that’s all you can do – let things go they way they are going to go.
Post Post Script
It’s 3:30 – I’m mostly cleaned and packed up, save for the food in the fridge and this here computer. I said good-bye to the woods (I know, I’m too sentimental for my own good). I am really bad at saying good-bye, and I’ve come to so fully feel at home here that it’s actually an emotional departure. That, and I’m loathe to re-enter the fray of real life. I have to tutor at 5:30. Well, so it goes. I will be returning in the fall, so until then…
Writer’s Holiday – Day 3
Today was a bit off because I had to leave in the late morning to attend to things at home (laundry and posting my grades online for school), spend a little time with my hubby, and then have dinner with mom for Mother’s Day. I got back here around 7:30 or so, then immediately got a call from Bizarro stating that I’d taken the only lighter in the house (it’s true) and this was inconvenient since he’d bought charcoal and had plans to grill out. I am wracked with guilt. Not only did I bogart the lighter, I took the good coffee scoop (the one he knows how to use) and the paper towels. I must remember next time to either make sure we have two of everything I need to take with me, or ask him if it’s okay for me to take something we only have one of. Not an auspicious start to my evening. I did, however, invite the poet in the other building over for tea. She has yet to arrive (she was mid-revision when I knocked).
I’ve been working on (yet) another statement for the community college. It’s coming along, slowly. I’d hoped to call them tomorrow to ask if I really need to do it, since I’m not applying for a faculty position. Alas, I left the application form at home. Rats. I also forgot to bring a pair of clean socks for tomorrow. Rats, again.
I will work on Beauty Is… primarily from now, with occasional dips into the Firefly story I’ve started (but which I fully realize is a waste of time because Joss Whedon doesn’t need anyone to write stories for him, especially his baby Firefly which was torn from him unfairly). I could also start Draft 7 of Sentinel, but I feel that I need to rest on that, since I finished up Draft 6 around 11:00 last night. Feeling a little burned out on that story for the moment.
I will be here tomorrow until around 4:30. I’ll be very sad to leave, but I saw the director again this morning and she assured me that I can come back as many times as I like – it’s my home away from home. As clichéd as it sounds, that’s exactly how I think of this place now. I will look forward to coming back in the fall.
I’ve been working on (yet) another statement for the community college. It’s coming along, slowly. I’d hoped to call them tomorrow to ask if I really need to do it, since I’m not applying for a faculty position. Alas, I left the application form at home. Rats. I also forgot to bring a pair of clean socks for tomorrow. Rats, again.
I will work on Beauty Is… primarily from now, with occasional dips into the Firefly story I’ve started (but which I fully realize is a waste of time because Joss Whedon doesn’t need anyone to write stories for him, especially his baby Firefly which was torn from him unfairly). I could also start Draft 7 of Sentinel, but I feel that I need to rest on that, since I finished up Draft 6 around 11:00 last night. Feeling a little burned out on that story for the moment.
I will be here tomorrow until around 4:30. I’ll be very sad to leave, but I saw the director again this morning and she assured me that I can come back as many times as I like – it’s my home away from home. As clichéd as it sounds, that’s exactly how I think of this place now. I will look forward to coming back in the fall.
Writer’s Holiday – Day 2
I arrived at 7:15 this morning and got right to work after taking some pictures. I finished a short script called Skylab that I’d started last summer, before my reunion with Jackie. I really like the way it reads; I think it’s poignant without being too depressing, and I think it captures some of the flavor of our childhood friendship.
I also did some significant work on Sentinel, and a way out of a corner I’d written myself into. I will work on that problem scene tonight, now that I know what I need to do.
In addition to the fun creative stuff, I did some work-related stuff. I started YET ANOTHER personal statement for the community college I’m applying to for yet another job. This job isn’t a faculty position like the others, so I’m wondering if I really have to do a personal statement. I’m going to call the HR department Monday and see what the story is on that.
The other project I worked on was the video promo for the recruiter. I wrote the script and timed it out to minimum 3 minutes, and then organized some other stuff for the Korea TEFL project.
I went for two walks today and realized beyond any doubt that “Walking is a necessary part of writing.” In the morning I walked the fields and visited the pond. After lunch I went on the trail in the woods, and headed to the right instead of the left as I did yesterday. I followed it parallel to the field and then down a tractor path to the bottom of the field where the main office is. Martha was there with her two lovely dogs, so I stopped in to say hi and we chatted a bit. I then walked up the gravel road to my “house.”
I also met the other writer who’s up here this weekend. She’s in the main building, and she’s a poet. Seems nice from our 5 minutes conversation. I hope we get to chat a bit more, since we’re both here through Monday. Kind of a shame that I have to leave tomorrow for mom’s. But it’s Mother’s Day and I didn’t realize that when I booked this place. I’ll leave a little before noon to get home and spend an hour or so with Don before going to Mom’s for the afternoon. I’m debating on whether I want to come back here tomorrow night. It would mean a little more money, but it would be nice not to have to drive out here again on Monday morning. I’ll have to see how it goes and how I feel tomorrow night. Truth be told, I need to do laundry something fierce. ;-)
Some realizations:
1. I have been hiding my creative streak for a long time. Oh, people know I’m creative and stuff, but I’ve never allowed it free reign. It’s always been hemmed in and penned up behind some limitation I’ve set for myself. This is reference to both how I’ve approached my writing and how I’ve lived my life. With my headspace cleared after a day here, I’m getting so much done and I really SEE that I’m a good writer.
I know I started identifying myself as a writer last summer, but I’m really starting to feel it now, and I’m seeing the fruits of my labors, which aren’t half bad, even if I say so myself.
2. I’m going to need to do this a couple times a year. Now that I know this place is here in spring and fall for so little money, I will try to do this regularly, if they’ll let me. A weekend in spring and one in fall – that will be so wonderful!
3. I have to be a writer. Part of #1 I guess – allowing myself to admit this fully and sink myself, immerse myself into the identity 100% without any hesitations. This is a good reason for me to get this College Editor job. Teaching is wonderful and I love it, but maybe it’s still keeping me from my path as a writer in terms of identity. Plus, if I’m working as a writer, I will buy into my own path and will eventually be able to teach writing again with more confidence and professional background, which I do think is very important.
4. I am supremely grateful for my opportunity to teach screenwriting this past year. It was so good for me in so many ways, for so many reasons. I release it to the Universe with prayers of gratitude and hopes to continue making the most out of the blessings I sustained this year.
Only thing I don’t like about this place – the building is wood and constantly creaks and cracks (rather loudly), which freaks me out a little at night when I’m by myself.
I also did some significant work on Sentinel, and a way out of a corner I’d written myself into. I will work on that problem scene tonight, now that I know what I need to do.
In addition to the fun creative stuff, I did some work-related stuff. I started YET ANOTHER personal statement for the community college I’m applying to for yet another job. This job isn’t a faculty position like the others, so I’m wondering if I really have to do a personal statement. I’m going to call the HR department Monday and see what the story is on that.
The other project I worked on was the video promo for the recruiter. I wrote the script and timed it out to minimum 3 minutes, and then organized some other stuff for the Korea TEFL project.
I went for two walks today and realized beyond any doubt that “Walking is a necessary part of writing.” In the morning I walked the fields and visited the pond. After lunch I went on the trail in the woods, and headed to the right instead of the left as I did yesterday. I followed it parallel to the field and then down a tractor path to the bottom of the field where the main office is. Martha was there with her two lovely dogs, so I stopped in to say hi and we chatted a bit. I then walked up the gravel road to my “house.”
I also met the other writer who’s up here this weekend. She’s in the main building, and she’s a poet. Seems nice from our 5 minutes conversation. I hope we get to chat a bit more, since we’re both here through Monday. Kind of a shame that I have to leave tomorrow for mom’s. But it’s Mother’s Day and I didn’t realize that when I booked this place. I’ll leave a little before noon to get home and spend an hour or so with Don before going to Mom’s for the afternoon. I’m debating on whether I want to come back here tomorrow night. It would mean a little more money, but it would be nice not to have to drive out here again on Monday morning. I’ll have to see how it goes and how I feel tomorrow night. Truth be told, I need to do laundry something fierce. ;-)
Some realizations:
1. I have been hiding my creative streak for a long time. Oh, people know I’m creative and stuff, but I’ve never allowed it free reign. It’s always been hemmed in and penned up behind some limitation I’ve set for myself. This is reference to both how I’ve approached my writing and how I’ve lived my life. With my headspace cleared after a day here, I’m getting so much done and I really SEE that I’m a good writer.
I know I started identifying myself as a writer last summer, but I’m really starting to feel it now, and I’m seeing the fruits of my labors, which aren’t half bad, even if I say so myself.
2. I’m going to need to do this a couple times a year. Now that I know this place is here in spring and fall for so little money, I will try to do this regularly, if they’ll let me. A weekend in spring and one in fall – that will be so wonderful!
3. I have to be a writer. Part of #1 I guess – allowing myself to admit this fully and sink myself, immerse myself into the identity 100% without any hesitations. This is a good reason for me to get this College Editor job. Teaching is wonderful and I love it, but maybe it’s still keeping me from my path as a writer in terms of identity. Plus, if I’m working as a writer, I will buy into my own path and will eventually be able to teach writing again with more confidence and professional background, which I do think is very important.
4. I am supremely grateful for my opportunity to teach screenwriting this past year. It was so good for me in so many ways, for so many reasons. I release it to the Universe with prayers of gratitude and hopes to continue making the most out of the blessings I sustained this year.
Only thing I don’t like about this place – the building is wood and constantly creaks and cracks (rather loudly), which freaks me out a little at night when I’m by myself.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Writer’s Holiday – Day 1
I arrived at Saltonstall at 8:50 a.m. – it only takes 15 minutes to get there and yet it’s a totally different world out there in the countryside. I call it the “civilized country” – we’re not talking stinky dairy farms and hoedowns, but communities of people who work in town and prefer to live with fresh air and trees. (I know that’s very classist. Sorry.)
The space is absolutely gorgeous! Tomorrow I’ll bring my camera so I can post a couple pictures. It’s spacious and light, with huge windows and a cathedral ceiling, a circular floor plan, many windows that crank open, and a patio with two deck chairs. It is off the grid, so I had no internet and no cell. However, there is a land-line that I was able to use to check in with the woman at Stafkings (I have to wait until Monday to find out about the temp job(s) at the community college.).
I went for a walk before lunch, in the woods, and sat on the patio for a few minutes in the afternoon. My only regret is that I didn’t bring more food, so that I could stay later!
I know what I need to bring for tomorrow, and the plan is to get there by 7:00 in the a.m. I might even stay over night – it’s actually an apartment with a studio space. There’s a small fridge and a toaster oven, a coffee pot and a hot pot for water. What more could I ask for?
Today I worked on just about every creative project I have going. Got some good revisions done on Sentinel, got reacquainted with Beauty Is, adding here and there, wrote another scene or two for the short script Skylab, and wrote a personal essay that will eventually be included in the memoir/non-fiction volume that JEB and I are going to collaborate on this year.
This place is everything I’d dreamed it would be. The director is very kind and cheerful, and I immediately felt at home there. I plan to do this every year, schedule permitting. Even if it is just a weekend, spring and fall, it would be worth it. For $5 a day, or $10 if I stay overnight, I can’t beat it with a stick!
I have to get some things done tonight, watch Ghost Whisperer, and get to bed early so I can be ready to get up at 6:00 a.m. Must also call JEB tonight, too.
God, I needed this retreat! Thank you, ‘Verse!
The space is absolutely gorgeous! Tomorrow I’ll bring my camera so I can post a couple pictures. It’s spacious and light, with huge windows and a cathedral ceiling, a circular floor plan, many windows that crank open, and a patio with two deck chairs. It is off the grid, so I had no internet and no cell. However, there is a land-line that I was able to use to check in with the woman at Stafkings (I have to wait until Monday to find out about the temp job(s) at the community college.).
I went for a walk before lunch, in the woods, and sat on the patio for a few minutes in the afternoon. My only regret is that I didn’t bring more food, so that I could stay later!
I know what I need to bring for tomorrow, and the plan is to get there by 7:00 in the a.m. I might even stay over night – it’s actually an apartment with a studio space. There’s a small fridge and a toaster oven, a coffee pot and a hot pot for water. What more could I ask for?
Today I worked on just about every creative project I have going. Got some good revisions done on Sentinel, got reacquainted with Beauty Is, adding here and there, wrote another scene or two for the short script Skylab, and wrote a personal essay that will eventually be included in the memoir/non-fiction volume that JEB and I are going to collaborate on this year.
This place is everything I’d dreamed it would be. The director is very kind and cheerful, and I immediately felt at home there. I plan to do this every year, schedule permitting. Even if it is just a weekend, spring and fall, it would be worth it. For $5 a day, or $10 if I stay overnight, I can’t beat it with a stick!
I have to get some things done tonight, watch Ghost Whisperer, and get to bed early so I can be ready to get up at 6:00 a.m. Must also call JEB tonight, too.
God, I needed this retreat! Thank you, ‘Verse!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The Future that Never Was
The video clip below is from this nifty website: paleo-future. As you know, I'm obsessed with the past's vision of the future.
Night on Disco Mountain
Today has been a day of convergence and synchronicity. It was my last day at the college, and I felt pangs of nostalgia as I drove out of the parking lot and left campus (goddamn I'm a drama queen). Anyway, as I was waiting at the light at the edge of campus I thought "If only one student is inspired or has learned something valuable about screenwriting this year, then I can call it a sucessful year." That thought cheered me up, and I realized even if I don't know for sure that I've made an impact on someone's life, I can guess that the positive feedback I did get wasn't sunshine up my arse.
From campus I drove directly to Manpower to apply for temp jobs for the next month and a half. They weren't very helpful. (The girl's words were "we don't have anything right now". I wanted to say, "Why the hell not? Isn't it getting into vacation season? We live in a college town for krissakes!" I'd only brought one resume with me when I left the house this morning, but I decided with the help of some inspiration from the Great Beyond that I'd hop over to Stafkings across the street and fill out an app anyway. I'm glad I did; they have two positions at the community college that I might fit. The manager asked me to email my resume, which I did immediately upon returning home.
And on the way home, I drove in the "middle of a fucking gale" (from Withnail & I, which I'm sure by now you know is one of my favorite films). Not only that, but on the classical station they played "Night on Bald Mountain" which totally fit the scene and the wind-lashed rain I was veering through on the way up that very steep hill on rte 13.
After emailing my resume to the Stafkings manager, I fell asleep on the couch, exhausted. Woke up, checked email and again - the voice of the Great Beyond in my ear - did something unexpected. I checked the 4 messages sitting in Bulk, 3 of which were spam, 1 of which was from one of my students this semester who wrote to thank me for a great class and went on and on about how inspired he is. His website is here and I'll add it to my links. A very talented individual with loads of promise. And his blog is much better-written than mine.
Last night was supposed to be the screening of that student film I'm in. They had technical difficulties, which landed me in the aud for 2 hours and never saw the film. I left at 9:30 so I could watch Medium and grade the rest of my students' scripts. I sat with some of my students from last semester, one of which is going to Korea for that cross-cultural documentary program I was hoping to teach for. She and I chatted about Korea and we were all treated to a slide show of last summer's stay in Korea -- all of which got me totally jazzed up for going in July.
Tomorrow I'm headed to the Saltonstall Foundation for the first of 4 days in glorious studio to myself. I will write in peace, and the best part is there's a coffee maker already in the room!
So tonight I have to prepare what I will bring with me. I am so looking forward to this writing retreat.
I need to make dinner; there's a gurgling hole where my stomach should be. I think tofu stirfry.
From campus I drove directly to Manpower to apply for temp jobs for the next month and a half. They weren't very helpful. (The girl's words were "we don't have anything right now". I wanted to say, "Why the hell not? Isn't it getting into vacation season? We live in a college town for krissakes!" I'd only brought one resume with me when I left the house this morning, but I decided with the help of some inspiration from the Great Beyond that I'd hop over to Stafkings across the street and fill out an app anyway. I'm glad I did; they have two positions at the community college that I might fit. The manager asked me to email my resume, which I did immediately upon returning home.
And on the way home, I drove in the "middle of a fucking gale" (from Withnail & I, which I'm sure by now you know is one of my favorite films). Not only that, but on the classical station they played "Night on Bald Mountain" which totally fit the scene and the wind-lashed rain I was veering through on the way up that very steep hill on rte 13.
After emailing my resume to the Stafkings manager, I fell asleep on the couch, exhausted. Woke up, checked email and again - the voice of the Great Beyond in my ear - did something unexpected. I checked the 4 messages sitting in Bulk, 3 of which were spam, 1 of which was from one of my students this semester who wrote to thank me for a great class and went on and on about how inspired he is. His website is here and I'll add it to my links. A very talented individual with loads of promise. And his blog is much better-written than mine.
Last night was supposed to be the screening of that student film I'm in. They had technical difficulties, which landed me in the aud for 2 hours and never saw the film. I left at 9:30 so I could watch Medium and grade the rest of my students' scripts. I sat with some of my students from last semester, one of which is going to Korea for that cross-cultural documentary program I was hoping to teach for. She and I chatted about Korea and we were all treated to a slide show of last summer's stay in Korea -- all of which got me totally jazzed up for going in July.
Tomorrow I'm headed to the Saltonstall Foundation for the first of 4 days in glorious studio to myself. I will write in peace, and the best part is there's a coffee maker already in the room!
So tonight I have to prepare what I will bring with me. I am so looking forward to this writing retreat.
I need to make dinner; there's a gurgling hole where my stomach should be. I think tofu stirfry.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
This Day
If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you might recall that May 8 has special significance for me and mine. On this day in 1979, my father died of cancer. I was eleven years old. It still seems like the recent past sometimes, his death. Sometimes it still feels like I could turn around and he'd be standing in the door way, smiling at me.
I know he'd love Bizarro - especially his sense of humor. I don't know what he'd think of me, exactly. I don't know what *I* think of me, exactly. But that's another issue.
Anyway, today I remember Angelo Cambio - accordion teacher, musician, adoring father, landscaper extraordinaire, storyteller incomparable, visionary, dreamer. I think I am like him in more ways than I can fully understand. And I still miss him as painfully as I did 28 years ago this day.
I know he'd love Bizarro - especially his sense of humor. I don't know what he'd think of me, exactly. I don't know what *I* think of me, exactly. But that's another issue.
Anyway, today I remember Angelo Cambio - accordion teacher, musician, adoring father, landscaper extraordinaire, storyteller incomparable, visionary, dreamer. I think I am like him in more ways than I can fully understand. And I still miss him as painfully as I did 28 years ago this day.
Reality Check Part II
Phrase of the day: "Show me the money!"
Trying to figure out my monies for planning the next few months. Not an easy task with my awful spending habits.
I am putting myself on a strict budget and reassessing how I track my spending. I'm really a basket case with this stuff. Always have been. Never had good role models for this kind of thing, although mom always knew what was in the bank account to the penny. Unfortunately, when a person owes more than she makes (i.e.in credit card debt to her eyeballs), it doesn't matter if she knows the pennies in the account. That was the case with my mom, at any rate. I am not swimming in consumer debt, thankfully, but I do have Uncle Sam screwing up my bank account by taking out double payments and then saying "Ooops! Did we do that? Sowweeeeee..."
This is all a part of my recent break-down / slash-n-burn / rebuilding effort. It's much like The Tower of the tarot deck.
Trying to figure out my monies for planning the next few months. Not an easy task with my awful spending habits.
I am putting myself on a strict budget and reassessing how I track my spending. I'm really a basket case with this stuff. Always have been. Never had good role models for this kind of thing, although mom always knew what was in the bank account to the penny. Unfortunately, when a person owes more than she makes (i.e.in credit card debt to her eyeballs), it doesn't matter if she knows the pennies in the account. That was the case with my mom, at any rate. I am not swimming in consumer debt, thankfully, but I do have Uncle Sam screwing up my bank account by taking out double payments and then saying "Ooops! Did we do that? Sowweeeeee..."
This is all a part of my recent break-down / slash-n-burn / rebuilding effort. It's much like The Tower of the tarot deck.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Arrogant I
Today's post title is from an in-joke with PMP. We went to dinner for cheap eats at Wok Village, and I was explaining something about Korean grammar. There are two ways to refer to oneself - the "humble" I and the regular I. From this, PMP deduced that there must be an "arrogant" I. I think she must be right.
It was good to relax this afternoon, although I did get some grading done so I don't feel guilty. I had my last Korean lesson with Kyung-Ah this morning (sadness) and we made our plans to meet up in Seoul in July.
This time of year, spring, a season of growth and newness, is tinged with things ending - the school year, friendships associated with the academic year, etc. I'm always left with a little bit of emptiness when it all dies down and the summer sets in. Just a little, mind you. This summer I have plans, after all!
I was sick all weekend, no doubt as a result of the crash-and-burn last week. I'm still snotty but feeling better, over all. Bizarro did an excellent job of taking care of me this past weekend. Last night I got to eat wonton soup and watch classic episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Can't think of a better way to recoup.
I've got myself in the HR system at the Big Red School for summer temp work and possible admin jobs for the fall. The one I wrote about the other day - in the international students office - is still on tap and my HR contact is trying to help me get an interview. We shall see...
All will be revealed, in the fullness of time.
It was good to relax this afternoon, although I did get some grading done so I don't feel guilty. I had my last Korean lesson with Kyung-Ah this morning (sadness) and we made our plans to meet up in Seoul in July.
This time of year, spring, a season of growth and newness, is tinged with things ending - the school year, friendships associated with the academic year, etc. I'm always left with a little bit of emptiness when it all dies down and the summer sets in. Just a little, mind you. This summer I have plans, after all!
I was sick all weekend, no doubt as a result of the crash-and-burn last week. I'm still snotty but feeling better, over all. Bizarro did an excellent job of taking care of me this past weekend. Last night I got to eat wonton soup and watch classic episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Can't think of a better way to recoup.
I've got myself in the HR system at the Big Red School for summer temp work and possible admin jobs for the fall. The one I wrote about the other day - in the international students office - is still on tap and my HR contact is trying to help me get an interview. We shall see...
All will be revealed, in the fullness of time.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Slope Day
As you can guess, I basically had a breakdown yesterday. I was in pretty bad shape for most of the rest of the day, although I did get some wise words of support from T., Jen, and of course Bizarro. Thanks to PMP for distracting me with pizza, beer, tales from her workplace, and of course THE OFFICE.
Here's my plan:
1. I am going to Korea. I will temp from mid-May through end of June to make my bills.
2. I choose to be patient with the job apps I have out there. It's the busy season and everyone is grading and wrapping up the semester. I need to give it a bit more time.
3. Quite simply: if I don't have a teaching job lined up for next year, I will take an admin job, preferably at the Big Red School on the Hill to get a steady income.
4. I will continue writing NO MATTER WHAT.
Things aren't nearly as f'd up as I'd thought. Oh, what unbridled emotion will do to one's reason. I have a plan, Bizarro has given it his seal of approval. We have our goals for the future and I know what I need to get there.
THe fact is that there are never any guarantees, and I think that I WANTED this job (the one that's about to end) to last indefinitely - so much so that I'd somehow convinced myself that it was going to. Yes, they gave me indications that it would, but there was no contract and no reason to believe that they couldn't change their tune. This is more about my expectations and where I invest myself. I realized yesterday night that I was still really angry at the school for not asking me back, and I felt as if I'd been betrayed. That was underlying all the other feelings mixed into this mess.
So -- I'm still not thrilled with how things are at the moment. But here's what I know:
1. It won't be this way forever - eventually I'll either get interviews or I won't. I'll know one way or another.
2. I have a plan for summer and a way to make money and put some away.
3. I have a back-up plan for fall if a teaching job doesn't come through.
4. Bizarro and I know what we need to do to eventually buy a house. It won't happen overnight, but we qualify for the first-time home owners' program and we'll be able to do it in a couple years.
5. I have enough skill, ingenuity, flexibility, and passion to find a good place to settle down in. It will happen.
Today is Slope Day at the Big Red School -- the sanctioned wild party on campus. Go Big Red! Way to enable alcoholism!
Here's my plan:
1. I am going to Korea. I will temp from mid-May through end of June to make my bills.
2. I choose to be patient with the job apps I have out there. It's the busy season and everyone is grading and wrapping up the semester. I need to give it a bit more time.
3. Quite simply: if I don't have a teaching job lined up for next year, I will take an admin job, preferably at the Big Red School on the Hill to get a steady income.
4. I will continue writing NO MATTER WHAT.
Things aren't nearly as f'd up as I'd thought. Oh, what unbridled emotion will do to one's reason. I have a plan, Bizarro has given it his seal of approval. We have our goals for the future and I know what I need to get there.
THe fact is that there are never any guarantees, and I think that I WANTED this job (the one that's about to end) to last indefinitely - so much so that I'd somehow convinced myself that it was going to. Yes, they gave me indications that it would, but there was no contract and no reason to believe that they couldn't change their tune. This is more about my expectations and where I invest myself. I realized yesterday night that I was still really angry at the school for not asking me back, and I felt as if I'd been betrayed. That was underlying all the other feelings mixed into this mess.
So -- I'm still not thrilled with how things are at the moment. But here's what I know:
1. It won't be this way forever - eventually I'll either get interviews or I won't. I'll know one way or another.
2. I have a plan for summer and a way to make money and put some away.
3. I have a back-up plan for fall if a teaching job doesn't come through.
4. Bizarro and I know what we need to do to eventually buy a house. It won't happen overnight, but we qualify for the first-time home owners' program and we'll be able to do it in a couple years.
5. I have enough skill, ingenuity, flexibility, and passion to find a good place to settle down in. It will happen.
Today is Slope Day at the Big Red School -- the sanctioned wild party on campus. Go Big Red! Way to enable alcoholism!
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Time to reevaluate everything
I just found out that a close friend of mine has bought a house. I am happy for her, but more than that, I am feeling wretched about myself.
I seriously have to reconsider my plans, short and long term, and figure out what my priorities are.
I just found a great job at the place where Bizarro works and I applied on-line. It's an admin job, but it's in the office that supports international students and scholars at the university. I have been giving a lot of thought lately to finding more comprehensive opportunities to work with international folks, above and beyond ESL. This may be a good breakthrough position for me.
We'll see. If they are really interested in me but are put off my the timing of my summer plans, I will scrap the trip to Korea for now, much as I am loathe to do so. My sincerest hope is that they would want me to start in the fall, but I don't think that is realistic.
Well, I have applied for absolutely EVERYTHING imaginable around here, and have heard virtually nothing. It is seriously getting to me. My mood swings are intense not just from day to day, but hour to hour. Not good.
I really hope the 'Verse gives me a frakking break soon! (mixing Sci Fi slang)
I seriously have to reconsider my plans, short and long term, and figure out what my priorities are.
I just found a great job at the place where Bizarro works and I applied on-line. It's an admin job, but it's in the office that supports international students and scholars at the university. I have been giving a lot of thought lately to finding more comprehensive opportunities to work with international folks, above and beyond ESL. This may be a good breakthrough position for me.
We'll see. If they are really interested in me but are put off my the timing of my summer plans, I will scrap the trip to Korea for now, much as I am loathe to do so. My sincerest hope is that they would want me to start in the fall, but I don't think that is realistic.
Well, I have applied for absolutely EVERYTHING imaginable around here, and have heard virtually nothing. It is seriously getting to me. My mood swings are intense not just from day to day, but hour to hour. Not good.
I really hope the 'Verse gives me a frakking break soon! (mixing Sci Fi slang)
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
May Day
It is the first of May and I am still procrastinating with all the grading I have to do. It's getting done, just at a much slower pace than I'd like. I can only grade 3-4 at a time, then I have to take a break, which is what I'm doing now.
I have been in a substantially better mood since the weekend. Nothing's changed in my situation - just my attitude. And attitude is everything as they say.
I'm just focussed on getting through the next week of grading nightmares.
Sadly, my Korean tutor is going back to her country next Thursday, so I'm having my last lesson with her on Monday. It is good for her to be going back, but I will miss our lessons and our little chats.
I have a couple back-up plans sketched for summer, but I am still holding out hope that the college I interviewed with last week will take me on for their first summer session. That would set me at ease going into summer. But I'm all about contingency plans.
Not much else to report, except that PMP has her own blog now. I'll add it to my links at right. She's a PhD candidate and all I can say is that there is no way I'd ever go back to school for a PhD. I have no tolerance for that kind of stress. All the more reason why I admire her academic prowess and vision. Go PMP!
I have been in a substantially better mood since the weekend. Nothing's changed in my situation - just my attitude. And attitude is everything as they say.
I'm just focussed on getting through the next week of grading nightmares.
Sadly, my Korean tutor is going back to her country next Thursday, so I'm having my last lesson with her on Monday. It is good for her to be going back, but I will miss our lessons and our little chats.
I have a couple back-up plans sketched for summer, but I am still holding out hope that the college I interviewed with last week will take me on for their first summer session. That would set me at ease going into summer. But I'm all about contingency plans.
Not much else to report, except that PMP has her own blog now. I'll add it to my links at right. She's a PhD candidate and all I can say is that there is no way I'd ever go back to school for a PhD. I have no tolerance for that kind of stress. All the more reason why I admire her academic prowess and vision. Go PMP!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)