Tick Tock
2005 is just about over. Man, what a year! Here's a recap:
Jan 2005: Bizarro and I are planning our wedding and try to come up with a plan that will satisfy everyone. In the end, we decide on a "fancy elopement." I am hip-deep in collecting data for my pro-seminar paper.
Feb 2005: Mid winter blues tempered by the knowledge that we're getting married next month. Drafts of the pro-sem paper are emerging.
March 2005: Pro-sem? What pro-sem? I'm getting MARRIED! We tie the knot on March 23rd at the Galbreath Memorial Chapel on O.U.'s campus, on a rainy day. Our witnesses and wedding crashers really make the day special. We spend our honeymoon in the "Love Bug Cabins" at Ash Cave. (I miss that jacuzzi!) Oh, and I also turn 37 on the 3rd.
April 2005: Seriously getting to work on my pro-sem. Apparently I am parked over the 2 hour limit somewhere and get a ticket, but I won't know about it until 7 months later. Sending out resumes and applying for jobs like crazy. Realizing with my friends that we will be going our separate ways in a few short months makes us all cry.
May 2005: Getting the final draft of pro-sem ready. Wuhan wants me to teach this summer, again, but I know it's not likely. Getting scared that no interviews have happened yet.
June 2005: My very pregnant friend Kelly stays with us so that she can go to the undergrad commencement. The last of my patio parties with my girls. Graduation! June 10 is hot and sticky, and I totally flub communicating with my husband where to meet me after the commencement exercises. Later in the month, I have a phone interview with a prestigious school in Central NY, and I can't believe they are interested in me. Our good friends Mr. Club and Catwoman move to Missouri. Sadness.
July 2005: Bizarro turns 32! The prestigious school invites me to campus for an in-person interview. They love my background in video production as well as my ESL training and experience. Little did I know! They offer me the job and we have two weeks to pack up, say our good-byes, and move to NY. I drive the truck all the way from Athens, OH to Ithaca, NY.
August 2005: Totally exhausted and disoriented, I attend the 3-day mandatory training for my job. Then I have 3 weeks off to get settled before the job begins. The bosses try to coax me into teaching in the summer program, but I say no way, I need a break! My first day of work is Aug. 22. It's all down hill from there!
September 2005: It's so wonderful to live near Momazoo and see her on a regular basis. I take her to the doctor and help her to get some things taken care of with her bad back. The job is a huge pain and I wonder on a regular basis what's wrong with me that I can't seem to get it.
October 2005: Stress is the name of the game these days. A major project is taken away from me at work and I'm given another. Fantastic halloween party, though! We go as "The Pimp and the Pirate." It's great to be in the same state as my friends of old.
November 2005: Lots of stormy weather at the job. NYSTESOL convention is a turning point for me; I realize how destructive this job has been to my self esteem. I really don't know if this is a job I can take for 2 years. Being in NYC for that convention also gives me the chance to see Scotto and his wife, and to see Ground Zero, China Town, and the Statue of Liberty from afar. We receive the shocking news that Mr. Club and Cat Woman have split; we can only offer our love and support. Thanksgiving at our apartment rocks! Momazoo is here and we eat like pigs.
December 2005: I end up in counseling for all the stress, anxiety, anger and disappointment the semester has wrought. Things go from bad to worse with a threat of probation. On the upside, I remember my "roots" and re-dedicate myself to pursuing my career as a writer and teacher of writing. Toward this end, I begin creating my perfect office space. I form some plans and goals for 2006 and try to rest easy over the holidays. Christmas at Momazoo's is wonderful, and the week of vacation is a much needed respite. I receive a "delinquent violation" notice from the Athens Police Department for a ticket I allegedly got in April (which I never did see, nor receive any other notices). Even after all this time and distance, the incompetence of Appalachia reaches out to haunt me, like the ghost of Sadako.
What will 2006 bring? Who the hell knows. But I do know that I can't lose sight of what I want and who I want to be. If all goes well, Bizarro will get a good job sooner than later, and I'll be able to get pregnant sometime this year. I have one more semester to weather, and I don't know exactly how that will happen, but I can only do my best, probation or not. At least I have some people in my corner and I'm not alone, which is the most important thing for me to remember. That, and I am not half as incompetent as that job makes me feel!
I am thankful for my wonderful husband, my family and friends, my intellect and compassion, and the roof over our heads. I am grateful for Dharma in my life, and all the opportunties I have to practice (even if it feels like crap sometimes!).
May the new year be full of wonderful new beginnings, prosperity, and fulfillment! May all beings benefit!
Monday, December 26, 2005
It's the day after Christmas
...and all through the house
not a creature is stirring
not even Bizarro.
That's not surprising, since the poor man has had so little sleep the last few nights. I was affecting him with my severe stress from last week (I toiled away at the curriculum design project and emailed the whole thing off around 4:45 on Friday), and then we stayed a night at mom's, after being up until 3:00 a.m. (midnight mass, opening gifts, eating sausage as is our tradition). Then we had to get up around 10 yesterday to go to Aunt Stella's for breakfast/brunch. Man I hope I have half the energy of that woman when I get to be 83! Anyway, after that we went back to mom's and made a delicious Christmas dinner of chicken and stuffing with cranberry sauce and salad. Of course we had pie and coffee for dessert after Bizarro took a little cat nap. Since I drove down to Elmira on Sat., Bizarro drove back last night. When we got home we opened up our gifts here and had our merry little Christmas night (followed by Law and Order and Crossing Jordan).
So it's 9:00 and I'm up, but he's not and I don't expect he will be until at least 10. We were supposed to go out early for the after Christmas sales (to get stuff for his family) but I don't think the "early" part of that is happening. That's okay. I'm digging the "alone time" this rainy morning is affording me. This week is officially vacation (not working from home) and this weekend we're driving to Cleveland to see the Bizarro folks. I need all the alone, off the meter time I can get!
Okay, so here's an up date on work: as I said, I turned in my project and although I expected to get an email back that said "sorry, you're on probation, merry freaking xmas" my boss instead thanked me for working so hard and said "you're on vacation now, so please enjoy your holiday with your family and friends" and said not to give it any more thought. So who knows. That may have been her way of saying "I don't feel like dealing with this now, so thanks for the effort but your ass is grass come January 3rd." I suspect the curriculum I designed isn't what she wants, and that she may yet put me on probation. If that's true, oh freaking well. That's the point I've come to: I realize this isn't the place for me and in my own mind, I've already moved on.
I am excited about the prospect of nurturing my "real" professional identity as a writer and a teacher. I need to teach writing, I need to write. That's all there is to it. I'll make a living patching freelance and part time work together and I'll enjoy the freedom that lifestyle offers. However, I'll have to work my butt off to make a living and keep the money coming in for bills and student loans. But that's okay; I've never been afraid of hard work.
I got a few books out of the library on writing as a career and writing your life, AND Bizarro got me the one screenwriting book I've been pining for and never got, so this break is going to be a bit of a "refresher training". I need to come up with some introduction/query letters and get some biz cards made up, too. The best part is that I'll have the rest of the semester to get things off the ground, and hopefully by June I'll have something lined up. In the meantime, however, I'm going to keep my nose to the grindstone and get as much out of this job as I can, as well as doing my best work as always. I need to keep my dignity and I still have a responsibility to the students, if nothing else.
Well I guess I will go make some coffee and try to get some reading done before Bizarro gets up and turns on the TV, the radio, his computer, and whistles at the same time. ;-)
Here's to making the most of the last few days of 2005.
...and all through the house
not a creature is stirring
not even Bizarro.
That's not surprising, since the poor man has had so little sleep the last few nights. I was affecting him with my severe stress from last week (I toiled away at the curriculum design project and emailed the whole thing off around 4:45 on Friday), and then we stayed a night at mom's, after being up until 3:00 a.m. (midnight mass, opening gifts, eating sausage as is our tradition). Then we had to get up around 10 yesterday to go to Aunt Stella's for breakfast/brunch. Man I hope I have half the energy of that woman when I get to be 83! Anyway, after that we went back to mom's and made a delicious Christmas dinner of chicken and stuffing with cranberry sauce and salad. Of course we had pie and coffee for dessert after Bizarro took a little cat nap. Since I drove down to Elmira on Sat., Bizarro drove back last night. When we got home we opened up our gifts here and had our merry little Christmas night (followed by Law and Order and Crossing Jordan).
So it's 9:00 and I'm up, but he's not and I don't expect he will be until at least 10. We were supposed to go out early for the after Christmas sales (to get stuff for his family) but I don't think the "early" part of that is happening. That's okay. I'm digging the "alone time" this rainy morning is affording me. This week is officially vacation (not working from home) and this weekend we're driving to Cleveland to see the Bizarro folks. I need all the alone, off the meter time I can get!
Okay, so here's an up date on work: as I said, I turned in my project and although I expected to get an email back that said "sorry, you're on probation, merry freaking xmas" my boss instead thanked me for working so hard and said "you're on vacation now, so please enjoy your holiday with your family and friends" and said not to give it any more thought. So who knows. That may have been her way of saying "I don't feel like dealing with this now, so thanks for the effort but your ass is grass come January 3rd." I suspect the curriculum I designed isn't what she wants, and that she may yet put me on probation. If that's true, oh freaking well. That's the point I've come to: I realize this isn't the place for me and in my own mind, I've already moved on.
I am excited about the prospect of nurturing my "real" professional identity as a writer and a teacher. I need to teach writing, I need to write. That's all there is to it. I'll make a living patching freelance and part time work together and I'll enjoy the freedom that lifestyle offers. However, I'll have to work my butt off to make a living and keep the money coming in for bills and student loans. But that's okay; I've never been afraid of hard work.
I got a few books out of the library on writing as a career and writing your life, AND Bizarro got me the one screenwriting book I've been pining for and never got, so this break is going to be a bit of a "refresher training". I need to come up with some introduction/query letters and get some biz cards made up, too. The best part is that I'll have the rest of the semester to get things off the ground, and hopefully by June I'll have something lined up. In the meantime, however, I'm going to keep my nose to the grindstone and get as much out of this job as I can, as well as doing my best work as always. I need to keep my dignity and I still have a responsibility to the students, if nothing else.
Well I guess I will go make some coffee and try to get some reading done before Bizarro gets up and turns on the TV, the radio, his computer, and whistles at the same time. ;-)
Here's to making the most of the last few days of 2005.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Happy XMas (The War Is Over)
So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The young and the old
A very merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and for poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
Hare Rama, if you want it
Hare Rama now
c. 1971
Yoko Ono and John Lennon
-- Peace on earth--
So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The young and the old
A very merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and for poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
Hare Rama, if you want it
Hare Rama now
c. 1971
Yoko Ono and John Lennon
-- Peace on earth--
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Feelin' Teeny Tiny
Have been incommunicado since Friday. Things have gone from bad to worse at my job and seem to be headed straight downhill like a speeding train with no brakes. I face probation in a week if I don't pull off the miracle of designing this project to their satisfaction, despite the face that they refuse to give me insightful, meaningful, constructive feedback. As I said before: pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
I have decided to return to my "roots" as I begin exploring other possibilities. I've been a writer-in-hiding my entire life. Ever since high school, when I was the editor of our school paper, I've wanted this career as a writer. Trouble is, I let everything else get in the way: money, boyfriends, fear of success, fear of failure, and the list goes on and on. About 11-12 years ago, I had been accepted into the MFA in Creative Writing program at Emerson College in Boston. I turned it down. Why? To stay in Rochester and follow through with a relationship that was getting serious. Instead I went to film school for my MFA - which wasn't a bad thing becuase it opened my eyes to screenwriting and also I got a couple life-long friends out of the experience. So no regrets there. It's just that I haven't allowed myself to do what has always been the background of my life. I need to get focused and find a way to make it happen. And I'm looking at my current miserable situation at work to be the final kick in the ass to do it. My belly dancing teacher calls this phenomenon "Our Lady of the Two-by-Four." Indeed!
I need to apologize to Mr Club for not calling and saying "congrats". I will give you a call soon, though, I promise.
Have been incommunicado since Friday. Things have gone from bad to worse at my job and seem to be headed straight downhill like a speeding train with no brakes. I face probation in a week if I don't pull off the miracle of designing this project to their satisfaction, despite the face that they refuse to give me insightful, meaningful, constructive feedback. As I said before: pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
I have decided to return to my "roots" as I begin exploring other possibilities. I've been a writer-in-hiding my entire life. Ever since high school, when I was the editor of our school paper, I've wanted this career as a writer. Trouble is, I let everything else get in the way: money, boyfriends, fear of success, fear of failure, and the list goes on and on. About 11-12 years ago, I had been accepted into the MFA in Creative Writing program at Emerson College in Boston. I turned it down. Why? To stay in Rochester and follow through with a relationship that was getting serious. Instead I went to film school for my MFA - which wasn't a bad thing becuase it opened my eyes to screenwriting and also I got a couple life-long friends out of the experience. So no regrets there. It's just that I haven't allowed myself to do what has always been the background of my life. I need to get focused and find a way to make it happen. And I'm looking at my current miserable situation at work to be the final kick in the ass to do it. My belly dancing teacher calls this phenomenon "Our Lady of the Two-by-Four." Indeed!
I need to apologize to Mr Club for not calling and saying "congrats". I will give you a call soon, though, I promise.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Just a lil sumthin sumthin
I'm at work, so this will have to do for now:
More later...
I'm at work, so this will have to do for now:
what flavor pocky are you?
[c] sugardew
More later...
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Keeping my head up
Day Two of the Epiphany. Not only is okay for me to leave a situation that is bad for me (i.e. which is not encouraging or allowing me to be the best of who I am), it also important for me to realize that I have certain talents and traits that may not fit in well some places, but which will allow me to flourish in other places. That said, I should not allow myself to be brought down by circumstances that are presently uncomfortable, but rather use the experience to help me decide who/what I want to be and to target where might be good places for me to get to that point. As my hubby is always saying "Use your anger!" (or was that the Emperor?). IOW, get motivated by my uncomfortable situation to create a situation which is right for me.
I have been riddled with self-doubt and loads of anxiety these last few months, and I must now purge those negative perspectives so that I can focus on what is good for me, rather than lamenting what has turned out to be not so good.
It's time for me to branch out and find myself in this town, to feel comfortable with my work as well as my personal life. I am bound and determined to do that. Am I too idealistic? Perhaps. But for now I need to maintain the positive outlook that it is possible for me to work hard, to feel fulfilled, to grow and flourish, and to feel in some small way appreciated.
I know it's my Ego that wants to be recognized and appreciated. I don't expect anyone to lick my boots, but I also can't work in an environment where only amorphous critical feedback is presented with not a mention of anything positive that I've accomplished. I'm sick to death of playing "pin the tail on the donkey."
I toiled away on a project from work this morning and this afternoon, then I cleaned the house. I have a couple friends coming for dinner tonight. I look forward to sharing food and companionship. Hopefully Bizarro will join us for dinner and a game of Scrabble, at least.
Day Two of the Epiphany. Not only is okay for me to leave a situation that is bad for me (i.e. which is not encouraging or allowing me to be the best of who I am), it also important for me to realize that I have certain talents and traits that may not fit in well some places, but which will allow me to flourish in other places. That said, I should not allow myself to be brought down by circumstances that are presently uncomfortable, but rather use the experience to help me decide who/what I want to be and to target where might be good places for me to get to that point. As my hubby is always saying "Use your anger!" (or was that the Emperor?). IOW, get motivated by my uncomfortable situation to create a situation which is right for me.
I have been riddled with self-doubt and loads of anxiety these last few months, and I must now purge those negative perspectives so that I can focus on what is good for me, rather than lamenting what has turned out to be not so good.
It's time for me to branch out and find myself in this town, to feel comfortable with my work as well as my personal life. I am bound and determined to do that. Am I too idealistic? Perhaps. But for now I need to maintain the positive outlook that it is possible for me to work hard, to feel fulfilled, to grow and flourish, and to feel in some small way appreciated.
I know it's my Ego that wants to be recognized and appreciated. I don't expect anyone to lick my boots, but I also can't work in an environment where only amorphous critical feedback is presented with not a mention of anything positive that I've accomplished. I'm sick to death of playing "pin the tail on the donkey."
I toiled away on a project from work this morning and this afternoon, then I cleaned the house. I have a couple friends coming for dinner tonight. I look forward to sharing food and companionship. Hopefully Bizarro will join us for dinner and a game of Scrabble, at least.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Time to make the donuts
Not a good day. Not even by a long shot. I am faced with the reality of having to re-assess my personal inventory and do some serious re-prioritizing. Thankfully, Bizarro is with me on this, so it will be a joint-process, in part.
I am tired of feeling like shit about myself. This has to end.
Here's my Personality Analysis for the week. Actually, it explains a lot of what I've been going through the last few months.
Not a good day. Not even by a long shot. I am faced with the reality of having to re-assess my personal inventory and do some serious re-prioritizing. Thankfully, Bizarro is with me on this, so it will be a joint-process, in part.
I am tired of feeling like shit about myself. This has to end.
Here's my Personality Analysis for the week. Actually, it explains a lot of what I've been going through the last few months.
 | You scored as Serenity (from Firefly). You like to live your own way and do not enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you that you should do different. Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you.
Which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? v1.0 created with QuizFarm.com |
Sunday, December 04, 2005
In the swing of things...
Yesterday was a looong day. But a good day. I drove to Elmira and took mom Christmas shopping. Mostly we bought stuff for Bizarro. At least now we have 2 prezzies under the tree. It was not like normal Christmas shopping because with mom's hips, legs and back, she can't walk fast and she has to rest often. I honestly wonder how she's been able to manage Christmas shopping on her own the last couple of years. Although I think I was with her last year, come to think of it. Anyway, she says it gets harder each year. I think next year she shouldn't be doing any shopping for us at all. Gift certificates would be enough, or hell even cash MONee.
Before we went shopping, we went to the cemetary to put a wreath on my dad's grave. I hadn't been there in a while. It was interesting - something was different this time. I didn't feel the bleakness that I often associate with a grave that only holds the earthly remains. It was more like we were honoring his memory and feeling grateful to have each other, rather than grieving or feeling cold inside (which are the two extremes I'd felt in the past). The holiday season was always a particularly difficult time of year for me, and for mom. This year, with me being back here and being married, there is more joy than sadness. It's a good feeling.
After shopping, we got take-out at our favorite Chinese restaurant, and then I wrapped the prezzies to bring home (so Bizarro couldn't find them accidentally in a bag). Turns out that mom "pulled an Angelo". My dad (Angelo) always used to buy stuff for himself around the holiday season and inevitably would buy something mom had in mind to get him or had already bought and wrapped. Mom went out and bought a scarf - just as I would have if she'd given me the chance. We laughed about that, and she said "just buy me some mystery books."
On the way home last night, I stopped at Borders and bought her a couple books, as well as another tube of my coveted and much-sought-after Burt's Bees lip balm. Mmmm mmmmm I love that stuff.
So it's Sunday and I have two things on the docket for today: 1. work on my script and 2. work on my curriculum design project. Here's to a productive day.
Yesterday was a looong day. But a good day. I drove to Elmira and took mom Christmas shopping. Mostly we bought stuff for Bizarro. At least now we have 2 prezzies under the tree. It was not like normal Christmas shopping because with mom's hips, legs and back, she can't walk fast and she has to rest often. I honestly wonder how she's been able to manage Christmas shopping on her own the last couple of years. Although I think I was with her last year, come to think of it. Anyway, she says it gets harder each year. I think next year she shouldn't be doing any shopping for us at all. Gift certificates would be enough, or hell even cash MONee.
Before we went shopping, we went to the cemetary to put a wreath on my dad's grave. I hadn't been there in a while. It was interesting - something was different this time. I didn't feel the bleakness that I often associate with a grave that only holds the earthly remains. It was more like we were honoring his memory and feeling grateful to have each other, rather than grieving or feeling cold inside (which are the two extremes I'd felt in the past). The holiday season was always a particularly difficult time of year for me, and for mom. This year, with me being back here and being married, there is more joy than sadness. It's a good feeling.
After shopping, we got take-out at our favorite Chinese restaurant, and then I wrapped the prezzies to bring home (so Bizarro couldn't find them accidentally in a bag). Turns out that mom "pulled an Angelo". My dad (Angelo) always used to buy stuff for himself around the holiday season and inevitably would buy something mom had in mind to get him or had already bought and wrapped. Mom went out and bought a scarf - just as I would have if she'd given me the chance. We laughed about that, and she said "just buy me some mystery books."
On the way home last night, I stopped at Borders and bought her a couple books, as well as another tube of my coveted and much-sought-after Burt's Bees lip balm. Mmmm mmmmm I love that stuff.
So it's Sunday and I have two things on the docket for today: 1. work on my script and 2. work on my curriculum design project. Here's to a productive day.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
I Made It Through The Rain...Kept Myself Together!
It's probably a bad thing that I am quoting a Barry Manilow song, but it just happens to be very accurate at this time. Yesterday was the last day of classes for the semester, and I SURVIVED! More on that later, but first:
I usually take Bizarro's quizzes, and this one I thought was especially interesting. I answered all the questions as a Buddhist (although, from a researcher's standpoint, many of the items were bad questions which asked more than one question or had fuzzy meaning). Anyway, apparently Buddhism and Postmodernism are compatible. But man, that picture is really creepy.
Today my goals are: 1. Get some writing done in the morning. 2. Go pick up mom and do some "Choppin' Broccoli" i.e. holiday shopping. Last night we put up our Christmas tree. I have to figure a way to get the photos onto my computer, which is a Power Mac. Bizarro swears it can only be done with a PC. Hm. I don't buy that. Anyway, if I can get some photos up of Halloween, T'giving and our Christmas/holiday/winter tree, I will get them on here.
Time to drink cawfee. Go to this page to have some coffee-drinking, unemployed fun: www.oddtodd.com
It's probably a bad thing that I am quoting a Barry Manilow song, but it just happens to be very accurate at this time. Yesterday was the last day of classes for the semester, and I SURVIVED! More on that later, but first:
 | You scored as Postmodernist. Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis.
What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com |
I usually take Bizarro's quizzes, and this one I thought was especially interesting. I answered all the questions as a Buddhist (although, from a researcher's standpoint, many of the items were bad questions which asked more than one question or had fuzzy meaning). Anyway, apparently Buddhism and Postmodernism are compatible. But man, that picture is really creepy.
Today my goals are: 1. Get some writing done in the morning. 2. Go pick up mom and do some "Choppin' Broccoli" i.e. holiday shopping. Last night we put up our Christmas tree. I have to figure a way to get the photos onto my computer, which is a Power Mac. Bizarro swears it can only be done with a PC. Hm. I don't buy that. Anyway, if I can get some photos up of Halloween, T'giving and our Christmas/holiday/winter tree, I will get them on here.
Time to drink cawfee. Go to this page to have some coffee-drinking, unemployed fun: www.oddtodd.com
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