I am so frightfully tired again today, no doubt due to the fact that I had a hellacious weekend with debilitating cramps on Saturday and that feeling of being paralyzed by fear yesterday when I came face to face with the real possibility that I won't get any of the jobs I applied for and will have to start from scratch on my job search, widening it to include other localities and other kinds of jobs. It was not a good weekend for me at all, and the freaking snow didn't help.
I'm in better spirits today but so fucking exhausted that I hardly care about anything. This pace is so grueling; I can't wait to be done with grad school and yet I'm petrified of being done cause then I better have a job lined up. Sometimes I really wish I could just move back to Korea, husband in tow. There are jobs and plenty of money over there, and here I'm just another schlepp with students loans and nothing special to set me apart from all the billions of applicants vying for the same 5 jobs.
*sigh* I need a fucking vacation.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Man is this thing slow today. I'm a bit on edge -- still waiting to hear from places I've sent my CV to. Got 2 rejection letters so far.
Yesterday I forgot to bring my checkbook to school so I could pick up the DVD of my film that's costing me 20 smackers. And wouldn't you know I forgot the goddam thing again today. I even thought of it when I first woke up this morning, but then in the usual mad dash to get out of the house I forgot it again. I really have to start preparing my bags the night before -- too many times I've left the house without important items.
I'm teaching in 1/2 an hour. Yesterday in class I had the students describing their classmates (we were learning new adjectives). One guy said of his classmate: "Yuki is caring and she has a hot body." Needless to say, "hot body" was not one of the vocab words in the book! I instructed him that the word "attractive" was more appropriate.
It's those little moments I live for in the classroom, sometimes.
Yesterday I forgot to bring my checkbook to school so I could pick up the DVD of my film that's costing me 20 smackers. And wouldn't you know I forgot the goddam thing again today. I even thought of it when I first woke up this morning, but then in the usual mad dash to get out of the house I forgot it again. I really have to start preparing my bags the night before -- too many times I've left the house without important items.
I'm teaching in 1/2 an hour. Yesterday in class I had the students describing their classmates (we were learning new adjectives). One guy said of his classmate: "Yuki is caring and she has a hot body." Needless to say, "hot body" was not one of the vocab words in the book! I instructed him that the word "attractive" was more appropriate.
It's those little moments I live for in the classroom, sometimes.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Photo du Jour: My Power Animal
vstory.kangarooafp
Originally uploaded by Pizcamele.
Ever since I was a little tiny baby girl, I've loved kangaroos. I have no idea where it was I first glimpsed one of these amazing creatures, but somehow I got it into my head when I was about three that I wanted a "red kangaroo" for Christmas. I got one (stuff animal, we're talking, not live kangaroo) and named it Pepper; it's joey was named Salt. Pepper is still around, looking pretty tattered after almost 35 years. About 5 years ago my brother sent me a "new" kangaroo, this one named Nutmeg. Of course, the cutesy stuffed animals belie the absolute ferocity and speed these animals are capable of. Fierce and protective, yet still cuddly looking. I like that in a power animal.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Vindication!
An interesting bit of gossip fell into my hands this morning. Normally I am not very keen on gossip, but this had particular relevance. First I need to fill in a couple details...
Remember the QBE? On Thursday I received a mass email from her to all the cast and crew of the film she shot last fall. I spent a day as a P.A. on her shoot and cooked spaghetti for the cast and crew in my own spaghetti pot (which never made it back from her kitchen, BTW). So as such I was included on this email she sent out to everyone, announcing that the film will be shown at a certain regional film festival, and inviting everyone to a pre-screening party. Now, upon reading this, I found it in my heart to be truly happy for her. After all, I know how I will feel once my first film finally gets in a festival! I tried sending her a short congratulations email, but that bounced because she hasn't cleaned out her inbox in a decade. Okay, so then I made the decision to call her. What the hell? I figured I'd just get her vm anyway - which I did. I left a congratulations message and within 30 minutes she had emailed me with a thank you and a specific invite to her party and the screening.
I replied with a thank you and a "I'll try to be there"... blah blah blah... not promising anything, leaving myself room to manoever, not overextending myself. Yay, me!
Now mind you, I felt very good about this exchange because I proved to myself that I was really the more mature person, and that I had managed my anger to the point of being able to be happy for someone's success, even if she has shown me great unkindness in the past.
This morning... a little birdie told me a little secret...turns out that QBE's film was actually rejected from that festival, and she put up such a stink, badgering and hollaring about how much money she's given to the festival and using all her community influence to pressure the director of the festival, who finally caved. The little birdie was the designer of the festival's program, and just before going to print he had to redesign a few pages to fit in her film. How bout THAT?
For me this is an affirmation that I wasn't just being over-sensitive or seeing malice where there was none. This woman gets things her way, when she wants them, by pretending to be altruistic when really she's got an agenda. She threatens and bullies when she's not getting her way. Believe you me, I already have a letter penned which shall be mailed on our way out of this place in July. She needs to hear it, and although it would be better to do it in person, I'm not about to become homeless just to tell her off.
This has been such a learning opportunity for me. I've learned so much about boundaries and listening to my own gut instincts when the little red flags go up. Happy ending, too. She gets what she wants (I suppose) and I get what I need.
Now Bizarro just needs to get that screen door replaced so we can brush off the dust from this whole crummy scenario.
An interesting bit of gossip fell into my hands this morning. Normally I am not very keen on gossip, but this had particular relevance. First I need to fill in a couple details...
Remember the QBE? On Thursday I received a mass email from her to all the cast and crew of the film she shot last fall. I spent a day as a P.A. on her shoot and cooked spaghetti for the cast and crew in my own spaghetti pot (which never made it back from her kitchen, BTW). So as such I was included on this email she sent out to everyone, announcing that the film will be shown at a certain regional film festival, and inviting everyone to a pre-screening party. Now, upon reading this, I found it in my heart to be truly happy for her. After all, I know how I will feel once my first film finally gets in a festival! I tried sending her a short congratulations email, but that bounced because she hasn't cleaned out her inbox in a decade. Okay, so then I made the decision to call her. What the hell? I figured I'd just get her vm anyway - which I did. I left a congratulations message and within 30 minutes she had emailed me with a thank you and a specific invite to her party and the screening.
I replied with a thank you and a "I'll try to be there"... blah blah blah... not promising anything, leaving myself room to manoever, not overextending myself. Yay, me!
Now mind you, I felt very good about this exchange because I proved to myself that I was really the more mature person, and that I had managed my anger to the point of being able to be happy for someone's success, even if she has shown me great unkindness in the past.
This morning... a little birdie told me a little secret...turns out that QBE's film was actually rejected from that festival, and she put up such a stink, badgering and hollaring about how much money she's given to the festival and using all her community influence to pressure the director of the festival, who finally caved. The little birdie was the designer of the festival's program, and just before going to print he had to redesign a few pages to fit in her film. How bout THAT?
For me this is an affirmation that I wasn't just being over-sensitive or seeing malice where there was none. This woman gets things her way, when she wants them, by pretending to be altruistic when really she's got an agenda. She threatens and bullies when she's not getting her way. Believe you me, I already have a letter penned which shall be mailed on our way out of this place in July. She needs to hear it, and although it would be better to do it in person, I'm not about to become homeless just to tell her off.
This has been such a learning opportunity for me. I've learned so much about boundaries and listening to my own gut instincts when the little red flags go up. Happy ending, too. She gets what she wants (I suppose) and I get what I need.
Now Bizarro just needs to get that screen door replaced so we can brush off the dust from this whole crummy scenario.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Rough Road
Was my blogging absence conspicuous? I've been so freaking sick with this goddam bronchitis-flu-whatsit that I've been down for about 4 days straight. Missed 4 days total of class/work this past week so of course I'm behind (but not too bad). Spent most of my time sleeping and watching old Dr. Who episodes, when I wasn't psychoanalyzing myself for my part in the "almost homeless" fiasco. Don't worry, I'm not beating on myself. Quite the contrary. I'm keeping my good spirits and going to do what is necessary to mollilfy the Batty Old Land Lady, and will deliver a healthy and honest letter to QBE (previously "The Bee-yatch)upon departing this wretched land. Meantime, I'm focusing on positive self-image and reminding myself of what my boundaries have to be. I'm also trying to remain more "in the moment" so that if and when those boundaries are challenged again, I will react in a positive and healthy way (not resentfully and with large doses of guilt for taking care of myself).
Also read Reviving Ophelia, this week whilst languishing on couch and bed, which happened to speak to me at the perfect time in my life. I may not be a teenager any more, but I can certainly recognize the patterns that etched themselves into my psyche when I was a pre-teen and teen, which are still affecting my abilities to deal with every day reality even now. Last night had a great conversation with my good friend Merlin, my best friend from high school. She lives down by NYC, so if we end up in Binghamton as I hope, I'll only be a couple hours from her. Haven't seen her in about 5 years, but we keep in regular touch, and I must say, aside from Bizarro, she knows me best. Anyway, we talked a lot about these kinds of things, and as usual she always has good perspective for me to consider. I call her "Merlin" because she is a magician, of sorts. We've been through many lifetimes together, that's for sure.
Well here we are at the laundr-o-mat and I can tell Bizarro is getting antsy because I've been using the laptop for more than 10 minutes. Ha. He's like a little kid with his toys. I'll relinquish control. For now. Buwa-ha-ha-ha!
Was my blogging absence conspicuous? I've been so freaking sick with this goddam bronchitis-flu-whatsit that I've been down for about 4 days straight. Missed 4 days total of class/work this past week so of course I'm behind (but not too bad). Spent most of my time sleeping and watching old Dr. Who episodes, when I wasn't psychoanalyzing myself for my part in the "almost homeless" fiasco. Don't worry, I'm not beating on myself. Quite the contrary. I'm keeping my good spirits and going to do what is necessary to mollilfy the Batty Old Land Lady, and will deliver a healthy and honest letter to QBE (previously "The Bee-yatch)upon departing this wretched land. Meantime, I'm focusing on positive self-image and reminding myself of what my boundaries have to be. I'm also trying to remain more "in the moment" so that if and when those boundaries are challenged again, I will react in a positive and healthy way (not resentfully and with large doses of guilt for taking care of myself).
Also read Reviving Ophelia, this week whilst languishing on couch and bed, which happened to speak to me at the perfect time in my life. I may not be a teenager any more, but I can certainly recognize the patterns that etched themselves into my psyche when I was a pre-teen and teen, which are still affecting my abilities to deal with every day reality even now. Last night had a great conversation with my good friend Merlin, my best friend from high school. She lives down by NYC, so if we end up in Binghamton as I hope, I'll only be a couple hours from her. Haven't seen her in about 5 years, but we keep in regular touch, and I must say, aside from Bizarro, she knows me best. Anyway, we talked a lot about these kinds of things, and as usual she always has good perspective for me to consider. I call her "Merlin" because she is a magician, of sorts. We've been through many lifetimes together, that's for sure.
Well here we are at the laundr-o-mat and I can tell Bizarro is getting antsy because I've been using the laptop for more than 10 minutes. Ha. He's like a little kid with his toys. I'll relinquish control. For now. Buwa-ha-ha-ha!
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