Sunday, February 26, 2006

As The Stomach Turns

Yet another chapter in my drama at work. On Friday my boss came into my office at 10:30 and said that we had to finish the "performance dialogue" we had only skimmed through the previous Friday. Apparently, she ended up looking bad after it got out that I won't be there next year, and she didn't do a proper "performance dialogue" with me. She ended up spilling pieces of back story and hinted at "other people being involved." There was clearly more going on behind the scenes than I have been aware of. She said some things she really shouldn't have, and was her usual unprofessional self. The worst part was that, in typical fashion, I had to find a way to find time to finish the damned form and have a long meeting with her on a day that I was scheduled to meeting 9 of my students. She has access to my schedule, so she knew what she was asking me to do was ridiculous, but she asked it of me anyway because now her ass was on the line and she had to turn in the performance dialogue forms, signed sealed and delivered by end of day Friday. I'm sorry but that is NOT how one conducts a review with an employee. I ended up having to cancel two of my student meetings so I could take care of the issue with her, and she seemed suprised that I had done that. I had to remind her that I prefer not to do two things at the same time (after all those supposed productive meetings in which we discussed my working style, she apparently forgot everything we'd discussed) and that when it's something as important as this, I need to focus on it.

Bloody hell. The best part is that she ended up offering me a one-year contract with a raise for next year. So, if I want to stay there, I can. That alleviates a lot of the tension I was carrying about having no job at all next year. Last week she was demanding my letter of resignation, this week she offers me a one-year contract. The up and down inconsistency is classic of this woman, and the last-minute putting out fires is also her apparent work-mode of choice. Not I, said the wise man.

My job search is in full swing and I am confident that I will find something so that I don't have to continue on in that rat's nest of mean and crazy people, teaching pronunciation to the most privileged students on earth. I want to be a writing teacher!!!! I want to be a writer!!!!

Speaking of writing, I am meeting with my "writer's group" that presently consists of myself and my pal Lee. She is the first friend I made here in Ithaca last summer, and now that she's defending her PhD dissertation, she's ready to turn her time and energies to more creative writing. So I have to go shower and get ready for that. I feel like a writer.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

The Elena Monster

I've asked Bizarro to get me the shirt for my birthday:

Evil, Livestock-Eating Nightmare of Anger
The Next Stage

It's a snowy, windy, freezing Saturday morning (currently 9 degrees). Yesterday was reality check day. I had my "performance dialogue" yesterday morning, which wasn't really a true performance review because my boss knew from talking to the HR woman that I hadn't intended to seek renewal of my appointment for next year. However, I guess I assumed that I'd get to tell her in my own time, when I was ready. She brought it up and said she needs a letter from me soon because they want to start recruiting at the big national conference coming up in March.

I had nightmares last night of me having to tell everyone about the fact that I'm quitting my job. The truth is that I have only just begun a job search, which now has to get kicked into high gear. Thankfully I met with an HR person earlier this week so at least I know the ball's in motion. However, I was really disappointed when the HR person tried to foist an admin position on me. Yes, it has a lot of writing and editing skills required, but it's also clearly a highly visible admin position with lots of multi-tasking and being someone else's schedule-maker and go-fer. I did NOT go through the financial destitution and pain in the ass of getting two masters degrees just so I could end up a freaking secretary who can write correspondance.

On the other hand.... maybe a cut-and-dry 8:00 - 4:30 leave-work-at-the-office job is what I need to be able to focus on my writing. I don't know... but right now it doesn't feel good to imagine myself going from Lecturer to Admin. I feels like it would be a step backwards. I have to think about it some more.

So, I'm feeling a little wobbly in the knees this morning, reflected by the frigid weather. I know that I'm making a move in the right direction, that I'm finally starting to realize a dream I've had for a long time. I'm finally focused on a goal and I'm intent on achieving it. But the timing was not what I expected. I'll get over this. The good news is that, according to the HR person, I'm heading into peak hiring season for the kind of jobs I'm looking for.

It's time to buck up, leave the past behind, and move forward. Today I am staying home instead of driving to a friend's birthday party. The party is about 2 - 2.5 hours away, and I'd only have about 2-3 hours to stay there before turning around and coming home in the dark (the thing doesn't start until 5:30). Since Bizarro doesn't want to go at all, I'm not inclined to make the drive by myself, especially in this weather and the fact that our friends live atop a hill in the middle of freaking backwater nowhere.

Here's to a productive weekend. I need to work out and release some stress, and hit the sauna later tonight.

Om mani padme hum.

Monday, February 13, 2006

The thrill of victory...

Spent a lovely weekend at home. The only time I even went out of doors was to change the laundry over and get the stuff out of the dryer tonight. I really needed this time to just be in my space, relax, sleep, get some things done around the house, read and write. It has been really great, and I've decided I need to spend less time traveling on the weekends. I already told MZ that I'll be coming to her place only once or twice a month, and she supported my need to spend more time at home, thankfully. Next weekend we have a party to go to out of town, but other than that I'll be staying put. I think with this job, especially, I really need the recharge and renewal. I don't mind going to see friends out of town once in a while, but with gas prices and my obvious need to nest a bit more, it won't be so frequent has it has been (and even then, it wasn't really all that often).

I took a very small step towards the possibility of starting an Ithaca KKSG (Karma Kagyu Study Group) today: I emailed someone at Snowlion Publications, which is here in town, and asked about any Kagyus in the area. If I start networking, I might find a couple of people who would be interested in doing this with me. I feel very lonely and isolated without a Sangha, and as I've said before the Namgyal monastery here in town has inconvenient schedules and/or pricy retreats that just aren't working for me.

I have two physical therapy appointments this week (Tomorrow and Thursday) and a meeting with HR on Wed morning, so it's gonna be a busy week. Plus tomorrow and Tuesday I've been roped into administering surveys for the very same project I was bumped off of last fall. Talk about adding insult to injury! And of course I didn't find out about the fact that I was being asked to give up two afternoons for this endeavor until last Friday at 5:30 on my way out the door (literally). Monday and Tuesday afternoons are the only times I have to get MY work done, because I'm meeting with students all day Wed, Thurs and Friday. I have projects and paperwork galore to do, as well as listening to student audio journals and preparing for classes and my conferences. So who the hell knows when all that will get done this week. Last night I had stress dreams over it; dreaming that I was lost on campus and couldn't find my way to where I was supposed to administer the surveys and being in trouble over it. Nice, eh?

I reminded myself today that I needn't be so bothered by these things because I KNOW it's only a temporary situation, and it's all for a good cause. I am totally confident that I am moving in a good direction and that things will sort themselves out this year.

And on that positive note, I am now going to bed at 12:40 a.m. I've been slipping back into my old ways of going to bed late and getting up late. Tsk tsk!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

The thrill of victory...

Watched the opening ceremony of the 20th winter Olympics last night. It was okay, I guess. The coolest parts were the guys with the fire helmets (they wore propane backpacks and had fire shooting out of their helmets) and the choreographed acrobats on the wires who formed a giant dove. Ono Yoko said a few words (I love Yoko) and Peter Gabriele butchered "Imagine." Pavarotti sang at the end, and he looked like a vampire with his botox forehead and giant cape. My biggest disappointment was the lighting of the "cauldron". It's not really a cauldron, it looks rather like a smokestack with fire coming out the top (like in Cleveland). The Italians did a decent job, overall, but I wish they would've used a real cauldron of some kind and had someone actually light it instead of lighting the pyrotechnics which THEN lit the smokestack thingie.

Figure skating starts tonight, and I think speed skating too. Rock on.

This has been a rough week. My cousin, who's been in the hopsital the last couple of weeks, took a turn for the worst and the doctors had told family to come see her before she goes into a coma and passes on. Bizarro and I drove down to Elmira Thursday after I got out of work and I was pleased to be able to see her. She's had a bit of a rally and seems to be fighting, which doesn't surprise me knowing her tenacity. That made for an emotional, tiring end of the week, so I'm just staying home this weekend to get some writing and reading done, and watch the Olympics, of course. Oh, and I have a meeting with HR this week so I have to get my writing samples together and organized, too.

I did manage to make some progress on my sci fi script last weekend, so I'm feelig more confident about hitting it this weekend. I've made some breakthroughs in the character development that will make the story stronger. Yay!

Here's to a long, relaxing, productive weekend.

Monday, February 06, 2006

I'm never ever ever gonna quit, cause quittin' just ain't my schtick!

Listening to Barry White on the Dead Presidents soundtrack, just about to drop over asleep. It's been a rough Monday, as Mondays go. Been in a poopy mood the last couple of days (hangin' out the "Crabby Flag" as Sark says).

My class went very well tonight, and thank god for the teaching 'cause I couldn't deal with all the other bullshit if I weren't able to teach and at least feel like there's something positive and useful comin' out of my 40 hours.

Bizarro is in the next room listening to... guess? "Hard habit to break."

So even though things are looking a little bit bleak... the semester stretching far into infinity... I keep working on the assumption that by this time next year I'll be teaching writing and feeling a lot better about what I'm doing for a living while I write my own masterpieces of filmic glory.

Time for bed with my new pillow.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Farewell Prometheus

Just watched the recent SG-1 where they blew up the Prometheus to try to save two countries from blowing each other up and/or being taken over by the Ore-Eye or whatever they're called. That was actually a decent story, with a sobering epilogue.

Also watched BG yesterday and found it to be the best episode I've seen yet (granted I missed the entire first season). It focused on Starbuck and one of the other pilots, and the ravages of war. Very nicely done, though they need to get back to some straight story-telling and save the flashbacks for special episodes instead of doing it every week.

I have been trying to finish my sci fi script with little accomplished in the last couple weeks. I'm having a hard time getting the ending done, and it's waaaayyy too short. I'll need to go back and flesh some things out. I have other stories waiting in the wings but I NEED to finish this damn thing. I started writing it, or an earlier incarnation of it, 10 years ago. I have to find a new title for it, too, because in the last few years my title's been taken (The Sentinel) and if I don't finish this damned thing soon, the entire story is going to show up on Sci Fi's movie of the week. I've always had the uncanny knack of being ahead of the trend, but I've never done anything about it.

Going to MZ's for spaghetti dinner later this afternoon. She recently had her ears checked and it turns out she's totally deaf in her right year, but they were able to adjust the hearing aid for her left ear so that she can hear better than before. Bizarro's not sure if he'll come with me. I know it's boring at mom's house sometimes, but I feel like I need to take advantage of every moment I can spend with her. She's no spring chicken.

Well I'm going to get some writing done before I leave for MZ's place. Here's to a loooong and beautiful Sunday!

Friday, February 03, 2006

Isn't It Rich?

One of the most deplorable things I've ever seen is this video that Bizarro has of Chet Baker when he was nearly on his deathbed from all the smack and god-knows-what-else, playing a concert with Van Morrison. In the words of Mr. Edmond Blackadder, "Utter crap". Van Morrison tries to sing/say a la William Shatner "Send in the clowns" but it really sounds more like he should be singing "Send me down to the pub for a pint."

So in his State of the Union address, Prezzie W said America is addicted to oil and we need to develop technologies to replace this dependence. I have three words for ya, Dubbya: NO SHIT SHERLOCK. Haven't we known how messed up our energy supply is since the gas crisis in the mid-70s? Does anyone even REMEMBER that? I was only seven or eight and even I remember the long lines and the crazy prices and dad blowing a gasket about the state of things. Am I the only one who thinks that we noodled around with "emissions controls" for 30 years, only to realize that as we were bending over to wedge our head so firmly in the sand ('cuz there's "awl" down there), our rear ends were very exposed and perfect targets for OPEC to um...you know. Yeah. I remember my Big Bro talking about experimental hydrogen powered cars some 20 years ago. It's not like we didn't have the beginnings of the technology - it just wasn't funded and was probably actively squelched by the auto and petroleum industries. I have no proof of that, but I suppose it wouldn't take much to find it, if I didn't have a job and other things to do with my time.

And so ends my rant. I love my Big Bro's new blog, for which there's a link from here. He rocks.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Free at last...

I have finally and completely entered the 21st century. I have a computer with internet that doesn't run off a dial up modem, all of which lives on my kick-ass desk that houses all my important papers, dreams and scribblings. The next piece of technology we need to acquire is a scanner. And I wouldn't mind some decent speakers for the comuter, since I play music a lot. Right now I have these little tinny things left over from my life in Korea, but they're better than nothing. Current listening enjoyment: "World Domination Recordings" 1998 Spring/Summer sampler. (trip hop electronica)

This has been the first week teaching. I taught my 3 classes, all of which seem to be good sections. No trouble makers or bad attitudes, at least so far. The job is going so much better these days. I feel a whole lot more comfortable with the job and myself in it. Still, I'd rather be writing.

Right now Bizarro is flitting around the house further butchering (as if it were possible) Christopher Cross' song "Ride like the wind." When I was in 6th or 7th grade, we did a dance routine to that song in my dancing school. I can still picture the costumes: black satiny one-piece suits with blousy legs and spaghetti straps. The trim at around the top and the cuffs of the legs were thick, bright pink sequine bands, with a belt and headband of the same stuff. Yikes. Just Yikes.

So recently Bizarro has been...um.. acquiring episodes of the new Battlestar Galactica series from our friends at SciFi (which we don't get with our basic cable). I guess it's an interesting show, but I don't see why it has to be the universe of BG, necessarily. Other than the fact that they're on a ship called Galactica and they borrowed some character names from the original show (and oh yeah, there's the Pegasus, too)... it could be any ole' sci fi scape. I really dislike the fact that everything they wear, use and seem to create just happens to look exactly like western Earth cultures of the early 21st century. From their uniforms to their whiskey glasses to the lampshades Adama has in his quarters. May as well be Earth, plucked from 2006. Even despite the premise that "life here began out there" it is ludicrous to allude to a mother-culture that happened to look exactly like what their eventual descendants would end up creating and living in. Extremely unlikely, to say the least. The only thing that seems to be different about them and us: they say "Frack" instead of "Fuck" and "oh my gods" instead of "oh my god."

I'm waiting for the eventual episode where Adama gets telekinetic powers, and I'm hoping Christopher Walken will play Count Iblis.

I do like the whole Cylon-Human baby storyline. And I'm waiting to see when and if Boltar will crack. I want to see him sitting in some swivel-chair throne lording his smarmy ass over the Cylons. Of course that will never happen, because the writers of the show are too busy being subtle with his character.

*sigh* It's very demanding, being a sci fi geek and a writer. As Bizarro is finding out, becoming a writer (or going to film school) kind of ruins the shows and films that once would have made you wet yourself.

On that note, I need to go do something else now.